Its been 2 weeks that I am back in KL ... Nop - this time I am not missing myself - I am more broken and shattered - away from family in real terms - friends are there as always being missed .. but I am calm somehow ... few more days - to reach my 27th year ... and finally I believe I have outgrown into a fine lady - with loads of mistakes and lot less left to loose.
In last 3 months in Bangladesh - I have learned few things - no matter what happens nothing is merely essential to stop own faith from growing ... no matter how people treats you always keep the good things in memory and forget the bitterness for own mental health ... family - friends are worth being prioritized but more than that own capability building is important to choose the right people to be prioritized . It was more like a guilt-trip regarding wasting last few years on unsolved relationships and worthless emotional break-downs. I am back to my old self - but with advanced level of coping up abilities with own complicatedness. I don't blame myself any more for not getting anything or loosing whatever was meant to be lost . I am more into accepting the fate and luck - the lacking that I had in my efforts towards my life - people - love - dreams - hopes - living - health and everything.
I am back to non-committed me ... and I am still holding onto patience and breathing ... I now do understand what-when-how-where to stop and start ... the game of manipulation is well-understood and the pace of ups-and-downs is bit more clearer to me. I am not yet focused to what I need to achieve in life but I am thinking freely - I am exploring different situations with neutral visions and yes I am learning to learn.
I am taking things lightly for the first time in life I guess. I taking men-parents-friends-love-sadness lightly. I don't feel embarrassed for being a dramaqueen or no i don't call myself stupid anymore for silly mistakes. I am not scared or worried of a new problem - nor I am exhausted of existing situation. I am more into accepting life as it is coming and not in the state of asking for reasons anymore - because I realized it doesn't matter how one thing happens - i have faith in the fact that it happens because its meant to happen.
I don't feel lonely despite of being alone - I do cry at times for myself - but not because I am unwanted everywhere but because at the end of the day I really want myself to be something - for myself - so that I can look at my face in the mirror and not hate what I see there.
life can be so beautiful in one second and become ugly on the other - so can we - but the bitterness we hold inside is really what we need to let go. Dreams break in lack of concrete devotion - hopes shatter in lack of strong pillars of faith and we get hurt because we allow ourselves to be hurt .
a strong observation - when we take a person seriously in this age of technology and innovation - the global world of opportunity and competition - of facebook and smart phones - free mixing and crave for uncommitted-open-relationships and extreme level of sexual involvements - feelings are the least thing which gets noticed. The more its applied to be in touch - the more the attraction disappears. The more we get - the more we want - the more we want - the more we look for. Those we wait more - we become like waiters for lifetime - its the era of doing-as-per-requirement - more or less and you will be doomed. if you give more you will be criticized - you give less you will be replaced. The balance of being loved and loving is becoming so distant in most cases of us - that we are taking more of frustration-anger-tensions-irritation inside us and leaving the good things aside. there's is so much more discover in life - as we are gifted with time and passion - which others crave for and still not getting enough of it - and we let go of it by storing the bitterness of unwanted results and sufferings.
In my 27 years of life (almost) ... I have understood one fact very clear - nomatter how hard things get or how low I become - I will never stop moving - even if I know there's dead-end further ... more obstacles to face - more worse to become - I will break into pieces and gather myself on my own. Because I am meant to try for myself - make laughter and create love out of myself. I have many things to do - good or bad which time will decide and endeavour more tears to shed. I am unpredictable - crazy - impulsive but my karma was-is-will be mine. I will be punished and appreciated for my own account - and for forgiveness I am to bow to one entity - My Allah - my creator ...
Very heavy words - but from the bottom of real me - I am not afraid of the fact of going to bad all alone and waking up all alone - I am just starting over each day - as its meant to be ... I am my own light and darkness and I intend to make others happy so that I can be happy at the end of each brand new day ...
My sins are mine and my heart is with me - no - its doesnt belong to someone worthless anymore ... and yes - I am in some cases a looser and winner - but it doesn't matter to me anymore - as far as I am alive _ I am fully satisfied with my self ...
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