To let go is to forgive, the moment you can forgive who or what or why or how - you are ready to let go - to start over!

We often get hurt by people, their lies, their attitudes, their simple tiny misconceptions regarding us. it feels sad to see people we cherish the most, are so radical in making us feel down on ourselves. 

Such times you feel angry, you feel stupid, you scream, you explain over and over or you naturally get inside a shell - crying on your own. Some wounds are forever. Some are too bad to hold onto. As time passes by - we learn to deal with those hurts, we pretend we are over those, even we actually manage to get over at times as well.

But do we really forgive those people? do we forget those moments?

Rather we change ourselves, make ourselves stronger and stronger, hard to access, emotionally unavailable for that particular person or group of people. if someone hurts you - that happens for 2 reason in my observation. Either you give them the access or they are complete assholes. Well, both ways you are the one who's in pain! 

Furthermore, though it's always a temporary situation but it f'cking tears you apart even if its for a moment. so what??? yeap that's the magical 2 words - my trick to overcome hurtful situations. 

Every single time I get hurt by someone close or distant, i look at myself - hate my crying face and shout out inside "So WhaT?" 

I mean my heart is not only for bouncing and dancing - its also for aching and pouncing sorrows duh! Am i being too generous ? No, Soi is hardly generous towards people who hurts her. when i ask and find out it doesn't stop me from daily life functioning, whew i am blessed. why it doesn't ? because i got other stuff to take care of. My maa, my job, my friends, myself wow. And slowly bit by bit I brighten up. 

Life is full of uncertain possibilities and too short to waste over people who are not worth your tears, your heartbreaks, your time to act sad and dark. 

Whenever someone leaves you rather then counting what you are loosing - count what you are left with afterwards. 

Whenever someone makes a messy comment on your being, rather then sobbing over the criticism, smile at the amount of concern you managed to create at the 1st place. 

Whenever you feel hurt and the whole world starts to shake up in your vision, close your eyes and remember the faces, repeat the faiths that made you whatever you are already. 

People supposedly are to hurt people. You must be thinking that this girl is crazy and too strong to say all these. Trust me - i am as weak, emotional and stupid as you are. Even I have pretty hard times in letting go of people, of moments, of memories. For me to let go is to forgive. And i do forgive people the moment i find the definite answer to So what! 

Life is not easy. C'mon who said it would be? its supposed to be twisted, complicated and requires great deal of effort from each of us in our respective ways. More or less, we all do have to survive, whether we like it or not.

Being hurt doesn't make you a looser - rather it proves you have got a heart and it beats to every beat it recognizes.
Don't just quit because you dint match up to some other persons standard of life.
Quit only when it makes you conflict with your own standard of living.
Change for yourself - be stronger to survive for yourself - not because someone else told you, you are imperfect.
And if you are as much as in love with own self as i am - don't bother about being sad.
Just don't make it your 24/7 routine.
Laugh when you want to. Cry when you feel like.
It proves you are a human, a normal one.

Forgive when you know, you are better then holding grudges and making a fuss.
Let go of the unnecessary pains in you life, to your soul - your soul is what you should survive for.

Give it your full-length of care - unless death persists, your soul will never betray you. 

... March 7th till July 7th ...

Abba is gone Forever ! 

Its been straight 4 months - and Abba is gone forever (RIP March 7th 2014)... how was he ? how is he now? does he sees us time to time? how did it all happen? Questions arrive to often in mind - answers are so many ... its painful and hard to bear the emptiness - i feel awfully as in a orphan and now i know my relationship with him when he is nomore ...

I came back to Dhaka 2 months ready ... back home - nothing has changed - same old chaos and same old conflicts - newer issues to cry over - i wonder why we don't change thinking about his demise? I look at the mirror and find myself drooling over the mistakes i have done so far ... and i find i stand nowhere ... no one to look up to - no job - no master degree - no friends to cling tight into - to love_life to dwell within ... i find myself completely numb and laying like a stone at times - nothing or noone touches me anymore. Is this what my father intended of me? No. Is this i wanted to become of myself ? Not at all.

At times there are tears rolling over cheeks and i don't know why am i crying - at times there are moments when i feel something is crushing hard on top of my chest and i can't find the thing myself ... at times there are sadness and grief of seeing myself like this and i don't know doing what would heal my soul ... i look at my mother and my sisters and i find enormous level of disappointment - pain - suffering in their lives ... I pray and pray thinking next day would be different - but i cant remember last time i saw them happy all-together. 

I ended my 1.5 year old relationship within a month - just out of hype of being free from prejudices and bindings of pressures over my soul and mind - what was it like? it was a sweet healthy relationship underneath having great mishaps and diseases ... a relationship which had a image of adjustment and torments going over with - as time passes by i realized it was a good feeling not to be in it anymore ... it gave me freedom to analyze over my family issues and understand my stands in them - i was not being lectured or guided or told what to do and what to not - i am once again free to perform my own mistakes and take blame for it - i am free to do my own thinking and not be ashamed of it - though i have been wonderfully well-criticized for my decision to end this relationship out of nowhere but at the end of the day i feel good - atleast less pressured and less burdened with life ... 

All relations aren't like fairy tales and comes with happy ending ! 

There comes relations where you try and try and see your partner pick on you to change and change for betterment - and still it gives you a lot of burden deep down inside making u feel u are worthless and no matter how much u do - the basic roots of being will never change - despite of whether its religious beliefs or social norms - but God has created u in different ways - and you keep taking in and taking in - that feeling of imperfection keeps eating u inside and u loose all the good course to try further - u become shallow and emptier inside - u become greedy for freedom of being - u don't stand on being right or wrong anymore and the bitterness of pressures and ultra-intensive love affair takes out your confidence of being what at the very 1st place of falling in love you were - You just explode !

Its specially easier to explode when you have that space and control over your surrounding where you are actually ... it wasn't pre-planned or anything that i brought in mind from KL - but i guess it happened so fast and accurately because we were in different countries - if i was still in KL - maybe we would still be together - suffocating and making ourselves suffer... looking at the good deeds one cannot pass their lifetime with the other one - atleast he wasn't like that - so i guess i had to turn into someone like him and give it the final ending - am i sorry about it ? no - i am content because it happened finally and I wish him all the best !

What's in another degree ? nothing anymore !

I enrolled for Masters because my father wanted me to do it ... I spent my 2 years in KL because My father wanted me to stay out of Bangladesh - I left Bangladesh because i had a very good reason ... now i regret it all - i ran away because i couldn't face my pain -  Abba helped me ran away because he didn't wanted me to be in pain - but what did i do ? I didn't finish my masters yet - i became unhealthy - more physically vulnerable and i am back into doing nothing - now I can't even ask anyone to let me stay and not ask me to go back ...

Its more like a dead-end now - knowing its a dead-end still have to move further and trust me - its a never-ending journey - taking a U-turn and ending where i started from - too tired of walking on the same path over and over - people say i wanted and did these all by myself - even i say yes i ruined it myself - why ? because i love life and i love for living ! if i start changing tomorrow the same people would blame for being other-way and me will be again taking a U-tern ...  so my understanding of all combines to its all about nothing and still everything and this is actual life ... u laugh u cry - u break down - u build up - more or less - sooner or later we all go with the same phase - i talk about it you don't - so u do criticize me and i adore you for your perfect picture :P 

Moving on is NOT tougher anymore ...

moving on isn't tougher anymore or something to think over and over - its more like a daily routine now - no matter what happens move on - whether its death or new life - move on ... its a failure or achievement move on ... just keep breathing - just keep rolling ur eyelashes and smiling for ownself - because life is very uncertain - and truth is supposed to be harsh - u gotta have all the energy to deal with life and people in it - u can't just sit back and wonder things will be falling into their own places - something u gotta fix yourself - some the Almighty will fix for you - unless its your final moment you gotta roll the dice and play along ... how and why its for you to decide and choose!