... March 7th till July 7th ...

Abba is gone Forever ! 

Its been straight 4 months - and Abba is gone forever (RIP March 7th 2014)... how was he ? how is he now? does he sees us time to time? how did it all happen? Questions arrive to often in mind - answers are so many ... its painful and hard to bear the emptiness - i feel awfully as in a orphan and now i know my relationship with him when he is nomore ...

I came back to Dhaka 2 months ready ... back home - nothing has changed - same old chaos and same old conflicts - newer issues to cry over - i wonder why we don't change thinking about his demise? I look at the mirror and find myself drooling over the mistakes i have done so far ... and i find i stand nowhere ... no one to look up to - no job - no master degree - no friends to cling tight into - to love_life to dwell within ... i find myself completely numb and laying like a stone at times - nothing or noone touches me anymore. Is this what my father intended of me? No. Is this i wanted to become of myself ? Not at all.

At times there are tears rolling over cheeks and i don't know why am i crying - at times there are moments when i feel something is crushing hard on top of my chest and i can't find the thing myself ... at times there are sadness and grief of seeing myself like this and i don't know doing what would heal my soul ... i look at my mother and my sisters and i find enormous level of disappointment - pain - suffering in their lives ... I pray and pray thinking next day would be different - but i cant remember last time i saw them happy all-together. 

I ended my 1.5 year old relationship within a month - just out of hype of being free from prejudices and bindings of pressures over my soul and mind - what was it like? it was a sweet healthy relationship underneath having great mishaps and diseases ... a relationship which had a image of adjustment and torments going over with - as time passes by i realized it was a good feeling not to be in it anymore ... it gave me freedom to analyze over my family issues and understand my stands in them - i was not being lectured or guided or told what to do and what to not - i am once again free to perform my own mistakes and take blame for it - i am free to do my own thinking and not be ashamed of it - though i have been wonderfully well-criticized for my decision to end this relationship out of nowhere but at the end of the day i feel good - atleast less pressured and less burdened with life ... 

All relations aren't like fairy tales and comes with happy ending ! 

There comes relations where you try and try and see your partner pick on you to change and change for betterment - and still it gives you a lot of burden deep down inside making u feel u are worthless and no matter how much u do - the basic roots of being will never change - despite of whether its religious beliefs or social norms - but God has created u in different ways - and you keep taking in and taking in - that feeling of imperfection keeps eating u inside and u loose all the good course to try further - u become shallow and emptier inside - u become greedy for freedom of being - u don't stand on being right or wrong anymore and the bitterness of pressures and ultra-intensive love affair takes out your confidence of being what at the very 1st place of falling in love you were - You just explode !

Its specially easier to explode when you have that space and control over your surrounding where you are actually ... it wasn't pre-planned or anything that i brought in mind from KL - but i guess it happened so fast and accurately because we were in different countries - if i was still in KL - maybe we would still be together - suffocating and making ourselves suffer... looking at the good deeds one cannot pass their lifetime with the other one - atleast he wasn't like that - so i guess i had to turn into someone like him and give it the final ending - am i sorry about it ? no - i am content because it happened finally and I wish him all the best !

What's in another degree ? nothing anymore !

I enrolled for Masters because my father wanted me to do it ... I spent my 2 years in KL because My father wanted me to stay out of Bangladesh - I left Bangladesh because i had a very good reason ... now i regret it all - i ran away because i couldn't face my pain -  Abba helped me ran away because he didn't wanted me to be in pain - but what did i do ? I didn't finish my masters yet - i became unhealthy - more physically vulnerable and i am back into doing nothing - now I can't even ask anyone to let me stay and not ask me to go back ...

Its more like a dead-end now - knowing its a dead-end still have to move further and trust me - its a never-ending journey - taking a U-turn and ending where i started from - too tired of walking on the same path over and over - people say i wanted and did these all by myself - even i say yes i ruined it myself - why ? because i love life and i love for living ! if i start changing tomorrow the same people would blame for being other-way and me will be again taking a U-tern ...  so my understanding of all combines to its all about nothing and still everything and this is actual life ... u laugh u cry - u break down - u build up - more or less - sooner or later we all go with the same phase - i talk about it you don't - so u do criticize me and i adore you for your perfect picture :P 

Moving on is NOT tougher anymore ...

moving on isn't tougher anymore or something to think over and over - its more like a daily routine now - no matter what happens move on - whether its death or new life - move on ... its a failure or achievement move on ... just keep breathing - just keep rolling ur eyelashes and smiling for ownself - because life is very uncertain - and truth is supposed to be harsh - u gotta have all the energy to deal with life and people in it - u can't just sit back and wonder things will be falling into their own places - something u gotta fix yourself - some the Almighty will fix for you - unless its your final moment you gotta roll the dice and play along ... how and why its for you to decide and choose! 

...realizations...

those of us - who desire and dream of working for people - development of this mother earth and correcting the so called unfair norms of human behaviour - for us its like a prayer which we bear inside - we want it so bad that we mostly forget - dealing with humans are the toughest job on earth - as its the humans who neglect own welfare - whether that's physical and mental - people with no literacy of pride and respect - of being and the feeling of meaning something to this earth - no matter how much you speak for them - they will be the one backstabbing you - and the ones you will be fighting ! they will laugh at u like hyenas - still we keep believing people will change - people does - but in the process it takes ur heart apart and with slight fall of hurt - u might become a hyena yourself ... whom to blame?
another scenario you cry - you scream - u feel stupid and sad - because u fight for people and they show u the thumb finger down as in a failure of ur soul - but still the prayer becomes stronger - as you take the journey along the way - keep trusting people - at one moment the backstabbing and back-biting doesn't bother u anymore ... because u know u did what needed to be done - rest becomes history of success or failure - doesn't count...
To those people who back-stabs - no matter how much u disrespect ur own pride - U can never change me from being nice to you ...
To those who endangers others pride and respect - f'ck you in every moment of ur life ... today ur doing it to others - tomorrow time will take a full circle and will kick u back at ur ass ....
Peace !

....I am done with Life...

In next 16 days i am going to 25...i know it will make me look mature and aged enough to be a grown-up. i never wanted to live long...in my childhood..i wasn't afraid of living long...i just never had the vision of living long and becoming something very famous or being ambitious..i was a normal kid i believe...very shy and polite and sober i guess. as time passed by i kept on changing my inner-skin to heart and soul... and in 10years if span i became such a tiny animal of a kind...who feared living and also at the time loved it more than anything.

people changes due to course of time ... depending on environmental, social, economical, personal etc. variables around them plus happening to them. i changed according to the mistakes i conducted and misdeeds i counted in people. i grew up in a family where being happy is like monsoon weather...appears 3-4 months a year. yes... unforgettably each year was more or less similar. parents fighting, sisters making the family headlines, i being more n more into the inside-home shell. i did open up n grew up into a fine-outspoken angel to the outer world...but at home i became more more to myself. i always felt the necessity to hug someone and cry endlessly but i never had or nor i have today someone who can hold me up that tight.

its a tough feeling...strange maybe...but its true. i am that much lonely in my life. i have got fortunately bunch of good people as in my best buddies and still none of them are that someone. maybe i never tried or saw whether its possible or not. i think as time passed by and i became this different inner-soul inside i kinda lost that feeling of necessity. peculiar me!

as i was saying i never thought of having a long life. now i do pray that may i never live longer. i am done with all i could be in life. i know there are so many things and places and people and feelings and love is still left to endure-experience-adventure ... but still i feel no passion. i feel no breath. i feel terribly-deeply dissatisfied and done with everything. i feel such bitterness in myself an i often do think i was born as in a human as in a mistake. pardon me - Allah... but its true. i am a human born with a tiny head and heart which doesn't partake such small amount of guilt-sorrow-tear in life. and to prove my-own-self wrong i don't feel any necessity either.

i wonder as time passed by why do necessities keep on vanishing from my head? i think of suicides often and trust me that seems the easiest short-cut to hell. i know when i'll be in hell i will be complaining as same as i am doing right now. but i wont be able to figure out any short-cut from there. and my soul and heart wont be treated or act as in a human anymore. i mostly feel i am stuck in this world and i feel no shame in saying that i am a failure.

I am talking shit cause i am a shit...worthless...who doesn't want to take care of own-self. definitely i wasn't and won't be able to take care of any other soul.

i am going to turn 25 and already it seems to much for me. i am tired of my birth..my own smell...my own breathing, my own concepts and lies to own-self... that at the end it all will come round.

i am planning...yes planning to dispatch my soul some other place. when and how not fixed yet. but the necessity is rising high. and one thing i learned the most in life when something is needed in life...fulfill it as soon as possible since the necessity might run out. LoL. Adios..