No matter what, do what you gotta do!

It is hard to keep rolling at times. 

It is difficult to feel empty inside and still smile as if nothing is wrong. 

It is terrible to wake up every 2-3 hrs and find yourself alone, scared everynight - as if living a nightmare everyday. 

It is awful not to have a sense of belongingnes, as if you do not exist anywhere, or to anyone. 

It is tiring to constantly remind yourself that it is okay not to be okay. 

We mostly live a life, that leads us nowhere, leaves us with nobody. Its like a dead end at times, you keep going and going and you reach nowhere. All of sudden - end of road. And you feel helpless and hopeless as you never knew or reached your destination. 

It is heartbreaking to see yourself in the mirror, as if you are looking at some stranger. Do you know me? Do I know you? You question yourself. It is like deja vu - you do not really remember how you have become, what you have become. 

Still you live through everyday. You smile, you laugh. You keep rolling. You get tired and angry at yourself. You pinch yourself to snap out of it. Sometimes you succeed, mostly you fail. You cry endlessly as if you have lost a closed one - actually you keep loosing yourself. Even If it gets worse, YOU still keep breathing. 

Life is hard, keep trying harder.                 

... Depression and Soi ...

বিষণ্ণতায় ভোগা ব্যাপারটা আমার কাছে প্যান্ডোরার বাক্সের মত। মানে সামনেই বা হাতে নিয়ে বসে আছি...দেখছি ভেতরে কি থাকতে পারে তাও আন্দাজ আছে কিন্তু খুলতে পারি না। বছরের পর বছর একটাই বাক্স নিয়ে পড়ে থাকি যখন তখন। ১-২-৩ দিন। অন্ধকার আর আমি, শুন্যতা আর আমি, মনে হয় এরপর জীবনের আর কিছু নাই। জীবনের শেষ বিন্দুতে দাড়িয়ে আছি।

নিজেকে নিয়ে অসহায় ফিল করবার যে কি প্যারা তা এসময় বোঝা যায়। নিজের সাথে নিজের দ্বন্দ্ব চলে, এট্যাক - কাউন্টার এট্যাক ... আইডেন্টটিটি ক্রাইসিস এ ভুগি খুব।

আমি আমার হারানো সেই সইকে নিয়ে খুব কষ্ট পাই তখন, সেই সই যে সবকিছু করতে পারতো ... সব মানে তার কাছে ইমপসিবল বলে কিছু ছিল না, তার কাছে এত মায়া ছিল না, পিছুটান ছিল না...ত চিন্তা ছিল না। ও শুধু করে ফেলতো আর জীবন ছুটে চলতো...সি কুড সারভাইভ উইথ অর উইথআউট এনিথিং।

মানসিক বিষন্নতার মধ্যে দিয়ে যাওয়ার সময় আমার শারীরিক আলস্য কাজ করে খুব। মনে হয় সারাদিন বিছানায় থাকব, বা একভাবে বসে থাকব। শরীর ম্যাজ-ম্যাজানি, জয়েন্টে ব্যাথা... আলো সহ্য হয় না। খিদা লাগে না...সিগারেটটাও মনে হয় অসহ্য। মানে নিঃশ্বাস নেওয়াটাই পেইন তখন। মাথার উপর মনে হয় একচিলতে কালো মেঘ ঝুলছে সবটাসময়।

কন্সটেন্টলি বুক ভেঙে যেতে থাকার ফিলিং, ভেতরটাকে কিছু একটার খেয়ে নেওয়ার ফিলিং :S এবং ইউ কান্ট জাস্ট স্টপ ইট!

কে আমি? কেন আজকের অবস্থানে আমি? কি চেয়েছিলাম, যা পাচ্ছি তাই? মানে এই ধরনের প্রশ্ন হুদাই আজাইরা মাথায় বাড়ি মারবে আর আমি পড়ে যেতে থাকি ইন টু দিস ব্ল্যাক হোল ... মানে আমার অতীত, বর্তমান বা ভবিষতের মধ্যে আমি কোন ডিফার করতে পারি না।

নিজের পরিচয় বা পরিচিতি সবকিছু নিয়েই যখন সংশয় তখন কিছু একটা খুজে পাওয়া যায় যা নষ্ট হয়নি, শেষ হইয়ে যায়নি। সেইটা কোন স্মৃতি বা কোন পারসোনালীটি ট্রেইট বা কিছু একটা হলেও হতে পারে - আমি ঠিক বুঝতে পারি না -মানে সেই প্যান্ডোরার বাক্সের মত। কিন্তু ফিল করতে শুরু করি আর নিজে নিজেকে টানতে থাকি ... রোজ দিন আমি চিৎকার করি কিন্তু তার প্রতিধ্বনি শুনা যায় না। খালি হতে হতে ভেতরটা শামুকের খোলস হয়ে যায় কিন্তু এর পরে এতে কি আসবে জানি না।

এমনটা আমার সাথে আগেও হয়েছে। আমি আমার জীবনের এক বিরতির মধ্যে বসবাস করছি। আমি কাজ ছেড়েছি, অনেক মানুষের সাথে মেলামেশা ছেড়েছি ... কথা বন্ধ করেছি ... আমি এখন হাতে গোনা কিছু মানুষের সাথে কথা বলি। যাও বা বলি তাও খুব ইনকনসিস্টেন্ট। কাছের মানুষদের সাথে কথা বলতেই হয় আদারওয়াইজ অস্তিত্তটুকু হারিয়ে ফেলব। ডিপ্রেশন এর সময় একলা থাকাটা খুব মারাত্মক বিশেষ করে যদি পাস্ট হিস্টরিতে ঘন ঘন সুইসাইডাল এটেম্পট থাকে। আমার কেস হিস্ট্রি একটাই এটেম্পট বহন করছে আর এখন তেমন তিব্র সুইসাইডাল টেন্ডেন্সি কাজ করে না। উলটা নিজের মৃত্যুভাবনায় নিজে কেদে ফেলি - কারন ডিপ্রেশনে আমার অন্যতম উপলব্ধি আমি মরে গেলে কেউ আমার জন্য কাঁদবে না বেশিদিন- ওই কুলখানি পর্যন্তই তারপর যার যার জীবন আবার তার তার। আব্বাকে মিস করি এসময় - কারন আমি জানি আব্বা থাকলে আব্বা সারাজীবন আমাকে স্মৃতিতে, অনুভূতিতে বাঁচিয়ে রাখতো ... যেমন দাদীর ছোট ছোট ব্যাপারগুলা আব্বা কি পরম আগ্রহে আর আদরে আমাদের বলতো আর দুঃখ করতো।

শেষ এমনটা হয়েছিল সেই ২০১১ তে। তখন খুব কম সময় ছিল ব্যপারটা ৫-৬ মাস এর মত। এবার ২০১৬ তে এসে ৮ মাস পেরিয়ে ৯ মাস চলছে।

সো ফার আমার ৩০ বছর জীবনের সবচেয়ে বড় ব্রেক বা বিরতির মধ্যে দিয়ে যাচ্ছি... এক অসীম শুন্য সময় - রোজ আমি নিজেকে নিয়ে ভাবছি ... বুঝার চেষ্টা করছি। সেলফ গ্রোথ আর নিজেকে নতুনভাবে ঢেলে সাজানোর জন্য ভেবেছিলাম একটু ছুটিতে যাব। কিন্তু আরাম করবার আগেই পড়ে গেলাম বিশাল এক অন্ধকূপে। নিজেকে নিজে দেখি না এত অন্ধকার। দম আটকে আসে মাঝে মাঝে কিন্তু তাও বলি এইতো আর একটু। এখনই শেষ হয়ে যাবে। জানি না আর কতদিন থাকব এইভাবে ... কিন্তু আমি অপেক্ষা করছি। হয়তো আবার আরেকবার নিজেকে নতুনভাবে গড়ে নিতে পারব। নতুন স্বপ্ন, নতুন উদ্দেশ্য, নতুন কিছু পাওয়ার বা করবার ইচ্ছা পেয়ে যাব। ১মাস হতে পারে , ১০ মাস হতে পারে বা আরও ১ বছর বা বেশি লাগতে পারে - আমি আসলে জানি না ... জানতেও চাই না... আমি শুধু জানি আমার এই জাদূর বাক্স হয় খুলে যাবে বা আমি কিছুদিনের জন্যে একে হারিয়ে ফেলব। আবার আমি উঠে দাড়াব..আবার তৈরি হব পরবর্তী বিরতির জন্য।

আমরা যারা ক্রনিক ডিপ্রেশনে ভুগি - আমাদের জীবনে এই পরিস্থিতি বার বার ঘুরে ফিরে আসবেই ... আমরা একে কন্ট্রল করতে পারি, কম বেশি করতে পারি...কিন্তু একবারেই শিকড় গুঁড়িয়ে ফেলতে পারা সম্ভব নয়। কাজেই হাল ছেড়ে দিবেন না ... আর একটু, একটু অপেক্ষা করুন.. এ যাত্রায় রক্ষা পেয়ে যাবেন ... কষ্ট হচ্ছে হয় জানি ... কিন্তু এইটুকু পার হতে পারলেই আপনি পাবেন নতুন দিনের নতুন আলো ...

যতদিন আছে নিঃশ্বাস করিতে হইবে প্রানেরও আঁশ ...

Don't stop breathing People. Don't stop breathing Soi.

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... Things i also want to tell my daughter ...

1. When her boyfriend sticks his tongue down your throat, do not kiss back. Push him away, then swallow down the bile that’s threatening to spill out of your soft lips. Take off, run, and never look back. Some boys like to play dangerous games; but darling, you are not a toy.

2. The boy next door with the tanned skin and earthy brown eyes will whisper beautiful things to you. Sad things, loving things, things that will make blood rush to your cheeks in raging streams. Don’t believe the words that tumble out of his mouth baby; most people never really mean what they say. But that’s life, and it’ll be okay.

3. Be strong, be bold, be unafraid of the world and all the people in it. Always, always speak your mind and pounce to action when injustice creeps up on you. Challenge him when he questions you, hurl facts and opinions like darts until he recedes with shame. Whenever you feel rage and anger spreading like wildfire through your heart, speak up. Your words matter. You matter.

4. You are beautiful. You have always been beautiful, and you need to believe that you are. Even if the magazines don’t appreciate your wide hips or your glowing brown skin; dark and soft like honey, learn how to love yourself. This body is the only home you’ll have in this lifetime, so my darling, learn how to embrace every scar, freckle and mole. You are made out of the same atoms that formed Frida Kahlo and Picasso. You are art and you need to have faith in that.

5. It’s okay to eat dinner on your own. Or lunch. Or breakfast for that matter. There is no shame in solitude. Go to a quaint cafe; and observe the sights and sounds around you. Take note of the smell of fresh coffee hanging hot and heavy in the air. You are by yourself and free to be who you really are.  It is a lovely feeling. Revel in it, my love. When you finally leave, you will realize that you’ve just learned how to be okay on your own.

6. If someday you wake up and start to see the world in grey, please, please come to me first. I will hold you and we’ll take a long drive to nowhere with your favorite mix-tape playing in the car. I will remind you that the only way out is through, and that the demons in your mind are most definitely not stronger than you. I will tell you how much this world needs you so it can heal, how staying alive is a much better deal. I will tell you that I love you, then kiss your forehead, and promise to do everything I can, until your universe stops playing out in shades of blue.

Six Valuable Things I will Tell My Daughter Before She Grows Into a Woman from ArtParasites by Thushena Ganesh

Link : http://www.artparasites.com/six-valuable-things-i-will-tell-my-daughter-before-she-grows-into-a-woman/  

Don’t fall in love with me

Don’t fall in love with me.
There are days when I get sad without a reason and I just stare at the ceiling with tears streaming down my face.
Don’t fall in love with me.
On those days, I don’t talk to anyone. I just bury myself in my bed and think about how I became this mess of sadness.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I will become attached to you and I will cry myself to sleep if you don’t text me good night before you go to sleep and I will convince myself that it’s because you got tired of me.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m too much. I will depend on you. I need attention, much more than other people. I’ll talk to you in metaphors and make you one. I’ll write poems about you and opening up my skin at 2 A.M.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I couldn’t stand you coming home to find me on the bathroom floor shaking and crying, with blood spilling from my wrists. I couldn’t stand seeing the disappointment in your eyes.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I will pour everything I’ve left of me into you, every bit of love, until I have nothing to give. Until I become completely empty.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m scared that my sadness is contagious.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I will replay your sweet words in my head when I hate myself so much that I want to die. Your words will be the only thing that make me stay.
Don’t fall in love with me.
You will live in fear. You won’t be able to leave me, because you’d know if you did, I wouldn’t have anything to live for.
Don’t fall in love with me.
Before I met you, there wasn’t a single person who could’ve made me stay. You’re my reason now.
Don’t fall in love with me.
Because I will fall in love with you.

- by (yet) unknown writer

What Is Love ?

love is every morning when i wake up thinking i am next to him and i feel profoundly safe. 
love is every kiss i put on him and i feel i am close to life - to earth. 
love is every time i land in his arms and i feel i am home. 
love is every day i go to work and i wish to see him when i finish. love is every meal that i have and reminds me whether he has eaten or not. 
love is when i get angry and sad - and i feel i will not talk to him but then i end up touching him slowly in tears and in pain. 
love is when i can't stop telling him how my day was. 
love is when i wear something and wish him to tell me i look good. 
love is when i hope he would call me and tell me he misses me. 
love is each time he smiles at me and i get loads of butterflies in my stomach. 
love is every love story which reminds me of ours. 
love is any breaking point when i loose myself, i feel weak and lonely. 
love is any boiling point when i feel extremely heated up wanting to be with him in every possible way i can. 
love is what i feel for his friends and family - pure and honest; whether i like them or not. Yet how they have become part of my life.
love is how we don't agree and even when we disagree we remain partners- in wellness and in sickness, in harmony and in chaos. 
love is what makes me cry and laugh to think and not to think. 
love is when i love him and he loves me. 
love is beyond signs on a piece of paper or approval from elders. 
love is everything that makes me feel, sense, to understand, not to understand, numbly dumb, dominantly stupid; loudly active, prominently sad;love is when We Love, in goodness and in badness.

...difference between I Want You and I Need You...

As I grow, I learn. My desires from a relationship have changed over the course of time. Now I no longer want someone who says they would be with me forever, and I no longer want someone who says they would never leave me. I am not looking for someone who is always neatly dressed up, or wears shiny shoes, or has an amazing sense of humour or has great guitar playing skills. I am not looking for someone who has the false sense of love, and thinks that love is finding that one perfect person, or someone who is trying to check items off their list while they search for "the one". I want someone who understands that "the one" is a fairy tale, and though fairy tales do happen in real life, they take much more work than the Cinderella finding her prince charming by walking into a party. Every fairy tale ends with "happily ever after", I want someone who realizes that the "happily ever afters" are a lot of hard work. As I grow, I have learnt that the physical traits matter less and less and loyalty and undivided attention are the most important traits in a relationship. I don't want someone who sugar coats everything, and never gets angry at anything. I want someone who is raw, and real, and tells me how it really is. I am more interested in someone who realizes that sometimes life happens and sometimes things don't work out. I want to be able to make a conversation with them, for four hours straight, and not feel bored, and not feel unwanted and not feel like they are not listening. I want someone who wants to know how my day was, always. As I grow, I have learnt that privacy is important, and there is only so much time that we all have on this earth and only so many people that we can spend it with. I want someone who wants to spend their time with me as much as I want to spend time with them, any less is just not good enough. I want someone who admits that they really like my company rather than playing games, alas, modern dating, games have become the norm, and I don't have time or patience to play along. As I grow, I have learnt, that I am complete by myself, and I don't need anyone to define my existence, but you can make me so much better. I want to be stronger with you, and grow with you, together, and individually. To tell you the truth - no, I don't need you - but I really want you. And all of this, that you realize that we are two very different people, and that we are just starting to know each other, and that we might not work out, and everything else about our relationship, makes me think that this might actually work, that we've got a pretty good shot. - Shivee Chauhan

“The letter had been crumpled up and tossed onto the grate. It had burned all around the edges, so the names at the top and bottom had gone up in smoke. But there was enough of the bold black scrawl to reveal that it had indeed been a love letter. And as Hannah read the singed and half-destroyed parchment, she was forced to turn away to hide the trembling of her hand.

—should warn you that this letter will not be eloquent. However, it will be sincere, especially in light of the fact that you will never read it. I have felt these words like a weight in my chest, until I find myself amazed that a heart can go on beating under such a burden.

I love you. I love you desperately, violently, tenderly, completely. I want you in ways that I know you would find shocking. My love, you don't belong with a man like me. In the past I've done things you wouldn't approve of, and I've done them ten times over. I have led a life of immoderate sin. As it turns out, I'm just as immoderate in love. Worse, in fact.

I want to kiss every soft place of you, make you blush and faint, pleasure you until you weep, and dry every tear with my lips. If you only knew how I crave the taste of you. I want to take you in my hands and mouth and feast on you. I want to drink wine and honey from you.

I want you under me. On your back.I want to talk with you forever. I want to remember every word you've ever said to me.


If only I could visit you as a foreigner goes into a new country, learn the language of you, wander past all borders into every private and secret place, I would stay forever. I would become a citizen of you.

You would say it's too soon to feel this way. You would ask how I could be so certain. But some things can't be measured by time. Ask me an hour from now. Ask me a month from now. A year, ten years, a lifetime. The way I love you will outlast every calendar, clock, and every toll of every bell that will ever be cast. If only you—

And there it stopped.”

― Lisa Kleypas, A Wallflower Christmas

To let go is to forgive, the moment you can forgive who or what or why or how - you are ready to let go - to start over!

We often get hurt by people, their lies, their attitudes, their simple tiny misconceptions regarding us. it feels sad to see people we cherish the most, are so radical in making us feel down on ourselves. 

Such times you feel angry, you feel stupid, you scream, you explain over and over or you naturally get inside a shell - crying on your own. Some wounds are forever. Some are too bad to hold onto. As time passes by - we learn to deal with those hurts, we pretend we are over those, even we actually manage to get over at times as well.

But do we really forgive those people? do we forget those moments?

Rather we change ourselves, make ourselves stronger and stronger, hard to access, emotionally unavailable for that particular person or group of people. if someone hurts you - that happens for 2 reason in my observation. Either you give them the access or they are complete assholes. Well, both ways you are the one who's in pain! 

Furthermore, though it's always a temporary situation but it f'cking tears you apart even if its for a moment. so what??? yeap that's the magical 2 words - my trick to overcome hurtful situations. 

Every single time I get hurt by someone close or distant, i look at myself - hate my crying face and shout out inside "So WhaT?" 

I mean my heart is not only for bouncing and dancing - its also for aching and pouncing sorrows duh! Am i being too generous ? No, Soi is hardly generous towards people who hurts her. when i ask and find out it doesn't stop me from daily life functioning, whew i am blessed. why it doesn't ? because i got other stuff to take care of. My maa, my job, my friends, myself wow. And slowly bit by bit I brighten up. 

Life is full of uncertain possibilities and too short to waste over people who are not worth your tears, your heartbreaks, your time to act sad and dark. 

Whenever someone leaves you rather then counting what you are loosing - count what you are left with afterwards. 

Whenever someone makes a messy comment on your being, rather then sobbing over the criticism, smile at the amount of concern you managed to create at the 1st place. 

Whenever you feel hurt and the whole world starts to shake up in your vision, close your eyes and remember the faces, repeat the faiths that made you whatever you are already. 

People supposedly are to hurt people. You must be thinking that this girl is crazy and too strong to say all these. Trust me - i am as weak, emotional and stupid as you are. Even I have pretty hard times in letting go of people, of moments, of memories. For me to let go is to forgive. And i do forgive people the moment i find the definite answer to So what! 

Life is not easy. C'mon who said it would be? its supposed to be twisted, complicated and requires great deal of effort from each of us in our respective ways. More or less, we all do have to survive, whether we like it or not.

Being hurt doesn't make you a looser - rather it proves you have got a heart and it beats to every beat it recognizes.
Don't just quit because you dint match up to some other persons standard of life.
Quit only when it makes you conflict with your own standard of living.
Change for yourself - be stronger to survive for yourself - not because someone else told you, you are imperfect.
And if you are as much as in love with own self as i am - don't bother about being sad.
Just don't make it your 24/7 routine.
Laugh when you want to. Cry when you feel like.
It proves you are a human, a normal one.

Forgive when you know, you are better then holding grudges and making a fuss.
Let go of the unnecessary pains in you life, to your soul - your soul is what you should survive for.

Give it your full-length of care - unless death persists, your soul will never betray you. 

... A girl in Dhaka - A girl everywhere in the world ...

Lately i had re-situated myself in the metro city Dhaka , my home city - the city where i was born, raised and taught the itsy-bitsy deals of life. I have earned myself a average job as in a communication executive which is feeding my mind nicely - i have taken over my family responsibilities which often suits my madness to the infinity. 

5-days a week - starting every Sunday to Thursday - i travel from home to office via public bus transportation in within the city. some mornings are too fine to have a 25min max. journey to office. some mornings are too hectic when Dhaka traffic shows its true colors of chaos, crowd and indiscipline of cars and cars and cars. Moreover, i despise it at times as i enter office late - i get out late - i reach home late and i feel late in my thinking and mind as well. But this is how Dhaka is ! The most densely populated city in the world perhaps one of the worst cities to live within. 

Sometimes in the evening - it takes me hours to just get into a transport - may it be a bus or CNG - as in Dhaka, time seems to be the most precious treasure to almost everyone at the same time - no one is ready to spend 2 min to cross the over-bridge - no one is ready to let the next car cut down before them ... all simply rush and rush. Accidents, incidents all happen and still no one care a shit to wait - to be patient - to follow the traffic rules. 

Well, that's how i have seen Dhaka as per past 25 years. 

I have stayed in Kuala Lumpur for about 2 years - and yes they have got some remarkable manners in case of following traffic rules and maintaining ques and honoring the passer-by people around them; also the traffic rules are quite strict and no they don't have traffic police in roads. Rather they have got the cameras and speed detectors and toll stations and automatic traffic systems to help out the people around.

Comparable to Dhaka - I would give more appreciation to KL streets and roads and lanes and their structures and safety issues. But if i am given option ride the Dhaka street or KL one - i will always choose Dhaka.

In Dhaka, its quite tough for a girl to travel along - as it takes illegitimate touches of strangers in the bus throughout the journey - u have to go through x-ray looks of men around you round the clock - no matter what shape or skin or age you are. U cant travel alone after 10 to 10:30 pm max in the city. Even if you are in the private car - unless your glass is black - you cant hide yourself out from those nasty looks and remarks. To get inside a bus is like a triumph of delivery to me - people will jump over you without paying much concern of your womanly body and mostly they would simply do it for fun. 

Unfortunately, its shameful but true 95% men wont sacrifice their seats even when a lady or girl is standing in the bus ... and that's how Dhaka is. In case, you are wearing a pant or jeans or some western outfit - you are being eye-raped by at-least 5 men around you. Am i talking too much shit about men in Dhaka? C'mon that's the reality which i go through at least 3 days a week.

To be able to travel through such calamities everyday - is more of a fight being repeated over and over. 

Some days i feel like crying - some days i simply stay silent - some days are full of discomfort and disgusted emotions and mostly Its part of daily life where i have to held my head strong - my facial expressions unchanged. I simply follow one statement - people giving you nasty looks doesn't make you nasty !

If you know how to travel in Dhaka using the public transports and yet be not scared of using it again and again - you can travel alone anywhere in the world ... trust me ! Self - guarantee !

I love Dhaka , despite of the worse living conditions i always do - like when we love someone we accept their flaws and keep loving them. Dhaka is becoming impossible to bear day by day - mentality of people are becoming empty and troublesome - poverty is rising high and life is becoming complicated ... but isn't that how life becomes? ups and downs - good stuff and then bad stuff and then again good stuff and keeps on repeating over and over - circle of life?

... Being Regular ...

Writing ...

Well i do call myself a creative writer which is semi-true - i write academic papers for my masters - i write official required papers for my professional outputs - i post severe emotional Facebook statuses for my friends and public followers - i even write up my opinions on different issues both important and non-important one's ... but the habit of writing freely for just nothing has left me in past few years.
I keep coming back to blogger.com - i always decide 'from now on i will be writing at-least once or twice a week about nothing in particular - rather about anything that crosses my mind and i want to talk about. Unfortunately it never happened as per i thought.
I do often write in my mind - yes I do - i think overloaded-ly about stuff and people i see - i don's see. I want to see - i don't want to see. I imagine - i day dream - i conceptualize about things that has happened or never happened to me.
I am very expressive and self-centered in case of my own gut-feelings - good or bad - right or wrong - i say it - some cases without holding much conviction about it. I try not to hurt people at the same time i am too keen to say the honest opinion to them - which rather makes me the evil-being to them mostly. Can't help it ! Actually, i never had the notion of being one self and pretending to be another. I go by moments. I go by odd chances in life. What if tomorrow never comes for me?
I am awkwardly confused about how people terms me - i am not bothered about how good or bad i am to them but i do care whether they are getting me right or wrong. now that's complicated. even if i am being bad i want people to understand that. who wants it? weird me :D
I am loudly soft spoken - bit juggled up between emotions and reality bites. Emotions are something which keep changing shapes in my mind and my life- reality is something which stays static at the end of the day. Having all other variables unchanged or changed - i stick to own way of perceiving things - i do what i feel is necessary to do - though often i do what my heart wants me to do.
I am not a head-person in case of personal life. I am a complete nut-shell in case of dealing with humor and joke. on top of it i am kinda dumb and stupid-some ... but i like myself.
Hey i am kinda self-criticizing myself on the very 1st day of work in Bangladesh after 2 and half straight years. not bad huh!

Life is all about moving on - unless you are dead ! I dont like being stuck - i dont like being settled in one place for a longer period.
Does it mean i lack in having focus? No... i believe i am too unpredictable to be in one situation. I love changes. i love being through changes. I like it when situations change around and we keep on shifting our tracks from one to another. I am worried of being drawn into one direction. I am more comfortable in being driven to different directions. new phases - new experiences. 

Do i lack commitment or stability? what is commitment? to do things with proper concern and till the end of period. I follow it - i stick to the plan till the end - i do my work whatever it is till the very end of completion - its just that i dont take it as in my only job. I feel the urge and thirst for more and more challenges. whats next? whats more worse? whats coming which i dont see? how to bend myself to the outmost? out to push myself out of the boundary each time situation requires it?
what is stability? to be consistent in moving on and on - being in one proper role or position isnt stability for me - to be able to have the same level of dedication towards fighting or coping or dealing with life is stability for me. because life is very uncertain - and its supposed to be like that. you cant say tomorrow you will wake up in the same bed - same place as you did today. if you do - congratulations ! if you don't - don't worry its normal. 

Home - where i belong !what do i have in home? a mother who is constantly nagging and bugging me to be home as early as i can ...
but also the mother for whom my existence matters. who cares whether i am home or not - eaten or not. slept or not. what i am wearing. what i am doing locked inside the room ... yes - that matters more than half of life to me. for this women i have the urge to be someone - something so that she can smile. otherwise i am not a person who wants to go back home - a constant stable point where everything remains unchanged. 

what else? good to be back home ... good to be remain how i am or how i have become. Life is easy - we are complicated. Let's not have pre-occupied ideas of how to do what when and where - because honey the more you will plan the more you will get worked up as not everything goes as in you want ... taking control over life is ok - but destiny awaits and that's pretty much uncontrollable. 

Cheers ! 

Soi 

11:40 am (BD)

... March 7th till July 7th ...

Abba is gone Forever ! 

Its been straight 4 months - and Abba is gone forever (RIP March 7th 2014)... how was he ? how is he now? does he sees us time to time? how did it all happen? Questions arrive to often in mind - answers are so many ... its painful and hard to bear the emptiness - i feel awfully as in a orphan and now i know my relationship with him when he is nomore ...

I came back to Dhaka 2 months ready ... back home - nothing has changed - same old chaos and same old conflicts - newer issues to cry over - i wonder why we don't change thinking about his demise? I look at the mirror and find myself drooling over the mistakes i have done so far ... and i find i stand nowhere ... no one to look up to - no job - no master degree - no friends to cling tight into - to love_life to dwell within ... i find myself completely numb and laying like a stone at times - nothing or noone touches me anymore. Is this what my father intended of me? No. Is this i wanted to become of myself ? Not at all.

At times there are tears rolling over cheeks and i don't know why am i crying - at times there are moments when i feel something is crushing hard on top of my chest and i can't find the thing myself ... at times there are sadness and grief of seeing myself like this and i don't know doing what would heal my soul ... i look at my mother and my sisters and i find enormous level of disappointment - pain - suffering in their lives ... I pray and pray thinking next day would be different - but i cant remember last time i saw them happy all-together. 

I ended my 1.5 year old relationship within a month - just out of hype of being free from prejudices and bindings of pressures over my soul and mind - what was it like? it was a sweet healthy relationship underneath having great mishaps and diseases ... a relationship which had a image of adjustment and torments going over with - as time passes by i realized it was a good feeling not to be in it anymore ... it gave me freedom to analyze over my family issues and understand my stands in them - i was not being lectured or guided or told what to do and what to not - i am once again free to perform my own mistakes and take blame for it - i am free to do my own thinking and not be ashamed of it - though i have been wonderfully well-criticized for my decision to end this relationship out of nowhere but at the end of the day i feel good - atleast less pressured and less burdened with life ... 

All relations aren't like fairy tales and comes with happy ending ! 

There comes relations where you try and try and see your partner pick on you to change and change for betterment - and still it gives you a lot of burden deep down inside making u feel u are worthless and no matter how much u do - the basic roots of being will never change - despite of whether its religious beliefs or social norms - but God has created u in different ways - and you keep taking in and taking in - that feeling of imperfection keeps eating u inside and u loose all the good course to try further - u become shallow and emptier inside - u become greedy for freedom of being - u don't stand on being right or wrong anymore and the bitterness of pressures and ultra-intensive love affair takes out your confidence of being what at the very 1st place of falling in love you were - You just explode !

Its specially easier to explode when you have that space and control over your surrounding where you are actually ... it wasn't pre-planned or anything that i brought in mind from KL - but i guess it happened so fast and accurately because we were in different countries - if i was still in KL - maybe we would still be together - suffocating and making ourselves suffer... looking at the good deeds one cannot pass their lifetime with the other one - atleast he wasn't like that - so i guess i had to turn into someone like him and give it the final ending - am i sorry about it ? no - i am content because it happened finally and I wish him all the best !

What's in another degree ? nothing anymore !

I enrolled for Masters because my father wanted me to do it ... I spent my 2 years in KL because My father wanted me to stay out of Bangladesh - I left Bangladesh because i had a very good reason ... now i regret it all - i ran away because i couldn't face my pain -  Abba helped me ran away because he didn't wanted me to be in pain - but what did i do ? I didn't finish my masters yet - i became unhealthy - more physically vulnerable and i am back into doing nothing - now I can't even ask anyone to let me stay and not ask me to go back ...

Its more like a dead-end now - knowing its a dead-end still have to move further and trust me - its a never-ending journey - taking a U-turn and ending where i started from - too tired of walking on the same path over and over - people say i wanted and did these all by myself - even i say yes i ruined it myself - why ? because i love life and i love for living ! if i start changing tomorrow the same people would blame for being other-way and me will be again taking a U-tern ...  so my understanding of all combines to its all about nothing and still everything and this is actual life ... u laugh u cry - u break down - u build up - more or less - sooner or later we all go with the same phase - i talk about it you don't - so u do criticize me and i adore you for your perfect picture :P 

Moving on is NOT tougher anymore ...

moving on isn't tougher anymore or something to think over and over - its more like a daily routine now - no matter what happens move on - whether its death or new life - move on ... its a failure or achievement move on ... just keep breathing - just keep rolling ur eyelashes and smiling for ownself - because life is very uncertain - and truth is supposed to be harsh - u gotta have all the energy to deal with life and people in it - u can't just sit back and wonder things will be falling into their own places - something u gotta fix yourself - some the Almighty will fix for you - unless its your final moment you gotta roll the dice and play along ... how and why its for you to decide and choose! 

... life as it is ...

From the very early period of years of my life i experienced nights of violence and disagreements between my parents .. nights i used to get scared of - i used to cry and i used to pray to pass on as quick as it can (i bet loads of you are familiar with it at-least once in a while) - sometimes i would end up being the stupid girl twisted in between Abba_Amma er shangsharik chaos - mostly shattered ... shut in my room and curse my life!

... Now at the age of 27, I have realized such nights brought along a new morning as-well ... morning of strength ... the faith i bear the most that no bad situation is permanent and no one can make me feel scared unless I want to be ... prayers was and will be answered sooner or later ... time would pass by and I did move on and I keep moving on !

I ain't anymore the scared - shattered - weak girl who would curse own fate nor do i make myself suffer for someone's lack of temperament !

... Being Continued ...

... Earning is HarD ...

Hell Yea ! I tasted the sweat of own earning for real after i came to KL... working is hard and earning is harder - i never knew i could be hardworking - i always thought i am the lazy bump type - talking and not doing type - but the hardships of living and need for money made me go all the way to earn a legitimate earning and get my own bread ! whether the work is small or big - when you know you are doing with the purpose of serving people it indeed is satisfactory. Being friendly and kind to different people - maintaining bondage within cultures - being patience and most of all standing various perceptions brings you under some level of responsibility. I have see both my flaws and attributes while working as in server-hostess... I have experienced great deal of physical challenge and yes it has made me stronger in terms of will of mind.

... Bangladesh ...

We often complain in our country we dont have this - we dont have that - lacking in everywhere - political turmoils - but the feeling of belonging does and can cost more of what we are ready to loose. It feels awful when you have to worry for a place to sleep or a meal to eat. We are mostly ready to go through hell in order to fulfill our basic needs - but in another territory... but in our homeland we complain and complain - we dont want to compromise. I miss my country - the weather - the similar faces - the festive seasons - the language - the food - the being of being - Malaysia has given me a lot though - still Bangladesh is some place i would always want to be - back in Dhaka there were incidents i never took account of - residing here in KL has made me look into them - to see and trying to realize - not to be ignorant - to be thoughtful of own origin. the sense of belonging in Bangladesh has day by day become mere reflection of something being taken away from me - my family is breaking - my friends are changing - but still i bear this hope of getting back in near future - retain my being for maybe fewer days - but to be back in my originality of culture.


... Food ...

Eating can be fun - and i have forgotten that - i eat to survive - i over-eat out of depression and frustration...i skip meals out of anxiety - but i hardly feel good of eating - i feel clumsy and tired of eating at times - and i miss the food back home. Foods are something which makes u feel complete physically - i feel terrible at  times with the fact that i eat out of nothing. I wish to eat out of joy and desire - i do ask to eat out of own will - but a eating habit which doesnt make me satisfied - sigh - i miss eating for health and desire.

... Marriage ...

Well - it seems like a triggering bullet to me - i dont know sometimes i am too comfy thinking of it sometimes just feel too scared of it - still there should be more time to figure out what it exactly is to me :S :S



... To Be Continued ...

... brainstorming thoughts of the present ...

After couple of months break in writing - in past few days - i have been writing on my mind thoughts that i couldn't finish - so i am back with bit of brainstorming issues that i do wonder about these days ... 

# SLEEP ! 

sleep is such a habit which does make me feel tiring - deosnt matter i sleep less or more - i hardly have a fresh feeling and its alarming ! when a person is happy - or maybe atleast satisfaction is there in mind - the sleep is supposed to be pleasurable ... to different people the pursuit of happiness is different - to me mostly its a good sleep ! If i am able to sleep sound and tight - I am content ! sigh - i am back with sleeping problems and it does make me worries often ! i am not into sleeping pills and pills are never a permanent solution to sleeping disorder - my own realization !

# RelationshiP !

being with someone is surely a happy moment - whether its ur father or your boyfriend ... your nieces or or ur friends ... each relation is valuable in terms of passionate devotion ... but at the end of the day - the best relation of all is the relation with ur creator and with urself ... the clarity and purity of own conscience is eventually the key to stay human ... how much of that am i getting? hmm - confusion and dissatisfaction ! 

# silence within soul ! 

i have become reaction-less - i was though before - but now it worries me ... i am observant of things happening around - still my senses have come to this what-so-ever state - where i have become this self-obsessed creature with less to want from the world and others ... self -obsession is nothing new in my case - but being silent is something i am worried about !

# Friends do Change ! 

whether its me or someone else - as time passes by the feelings do change - in negative-ness of miss-communication or from the positivism of betterment for the future - acceptance of the practical enhancement of reality . some do accept that and ignores the changes and pretend being same balancing the conjugational process of life-living-career-ambitions-family extensions-facebook bla bla ! some never accepts it and complains about it - and fails to balance in-between and is left out all alone ! 

# its ok to be faulty and wrong but not worth being called superlative !

i am a person of justified mistakes - well i am not proud of that but i do take pride in it ! when people points at me saying i am this i am that - i should correct and i should stop - i ask myself - why dont i think like that for myself? is it because i lack the level of understanding of right and wrong? is it because i have evil within my soul and a bad person? what am i ? stupid dumb who doesnt want ownself to see happy? whats wrong in being stupid? isnt this what was written in my destiny? i made mistakes and god made me paid for them - and still theres more to pay for - what if i choose that for myself? this does occur into great deal in me ! every coin has 2 faces ... in my opinion every issue has different meaning to explain to explore to conclude.  

to be continued next week !

... the taste of failure ...

how does the failure taste ?? 

would it be suitable to call the current feelings failure or breaking down?

a month ago - i heard from a very pro-active person of my person telling me - I will never succeed in relationships - because i am too self-obsessed ... and ignorant of others feelings ... i am selfish in such manner that nothing or no-one seems to work out with me ... 

when did i said i am not that? i always do admit and accept that I love myself the most ... to me it matters the most on terms of personal relationships - what i can give and can't .. being bold and stubborn has always been my kind of attitude ... and now I do have a attitude problem ... 

because of what its quite easy to leave me because if you cant stand me - even i don't bother. 

I have left home - staying without friends ... life has been quite strange to me - bit happiness is something which never stays longer in my end. i have seen in past few months that i am not worth it to stand ... people often gets it hard to put up with me - and no i don't blame their wits regarding such intolerance. 

i am greedy of the fact that i am what i have become and i don't compromise on the facts of i believe i am made of ... I am bad - dirty - witty - irritatingly impossible - but i am mine ... people talks about pain that i give them - i talk of the insecure-imbalanced present they give me. i am not adorable enough to adore - then why stick to me for the time-being as per your level of tolerance? do i beg you to do so? 

i know i am in-capable of making changes - because i have seen - it takes less then moments to leave me - leaving me has been always easier - as i dont force people to grab me in neither i entitle others to be with me. not every person on earth is given the power to create - to build - to bond ... its my incapabilities - and no i dont hate myself for that.

I always say i am crazy - because that is what i am. 

whatever my previous actions were or how i came so far - i did become such profound egoistic.

failure - another failure - its not nice to hear that i am incapable of relationships.

i don't feel guilty or ashamed - i just don't feel fine inside - it tears me apart - still i wont change myself - because its not worth it - the person who intends to stick - sticks no matter what. 

i am imperfect - and i accept myself as i am ... 

i have lost so many things and people for that ...

i am ready to loose more. 

i know i will. 

still i will be what i will be. 

...realizations...

those of us - who desire and dream of working for people - development of this mother earth and correcting the so called unfair norms of human behaviour - for us its like a prayer which we bear inside - we want it so bad that we mostly forget - dealing with humans are the toughest job on earth - as its the humans who neglect own welfare - whether that's physical and mental - people with no literacy of pride and respect - of being and the feeling of meaning something to this earth - no matter how much you speak for them - they will be the one backstabbing you - and the ones you will be fighting ! they will laugh at u like hyenas - still we keep believing people will change - people does - but in the process it takes ur heart apart and with slight fall of hurt - u might become a hyena yourself ... whom to blame?
another scenario you cry - you scream - u feel stupid and sad - because u fight for people and they show u the thumb finger down as in a failure of ur soul - but still the prayer becomes stronger - as you take the journey along the way - keep trusting people - at one moment the backstabbing and back-biting doesn't bother u anymore ... because u know u did what needed to be done - rest becomes history of success or failure - doesn't count...
To those people who back-stabs - no matter how much u disrespect ur own pride - U can never change me from being nice to you ...
To those who endangers others pride and respect - f'ck you in every moment of ur life ... today ur doing it to others - tomorrow time will take a full circle and will kick u back at ur ass ....
Peace !

... Nor I belong there - Neither I belong here ...

Its been 2 weeks that I am back in KL ... Nop - this time I am not missing myself - I am more broken and shattered - away from family in real terms - friends are there as always being missed .. but I am calm somehow ... few more days - to reach my 27th year ... and finally I believe I have outgrown into a fine lady - with loads of mistakes and lot less left to loose.

In last 3 months in Bangladesh - I have learned few things - no matter what happens nothing is merely essential to stop own faith from growing ... no matter how people treats you always keep the good things in memory and forget the bitterness for own mental health ... family - friends are worth being prioritized but more than that own capability building is important to choose the right people to be prioritized . It was more like a guilt-trip regarding wasting last few years on unsolved relationships and worthless emotional break-downs. I am back to my old self - but with advanced level of coping up abilities with own complicatedness. I don't blame myself any more for not getting anything or loosing whatever was meant to be lost . I am more into accepting the fate and luck - the lacking that I had in my efforts towards my life - people - love - dreams - hopes - living - health and everything. 

I am back to non-committed me ... and I am still holding onto patience and breathing ... I now do understand what-when-how-where to stop and start ... the game of manipulation is well-understood and the pace of ups-and-downs is bit more clearer to me. I am not yet focused to what I need to achieve in life but I am thinking freely - I am exploring different situations with neutral visions and yes I am learning to learn. 

I am taking things lightly for the first time in life I guess. I taking men-parents-friends-love-sadness lightly. I don't feel embarrassed for being a dramaqueen or no i don't call myself stupid anymore for silly mistakes. I am not scared or worried of a new problem - nor I am exhausted of existing situation. I am more into accepting life as it is coming and not in the state of asking for reasons anymore - because I realized it doesn't matter how one thing happens - i have faith in the fact that it happens because its meant to happen. 

I don't feel lonely despite of being alone - I do cry at times for myself - but not because I am unwanted everywhere but because at the end of the day I really want myself to be something - for myself - so that I can look at my face in the mirror and not hate what I see there. 

life can be so beautiful in one second and become ugly on the other - so can we - but the bitterness we hold inside is really what we need to let go. Dreams break in lack of concrete devotion - hopes shatter in lack of strong pillars of faith and we get hurt because we allow ourselves to be hurt . 

a strong observation - when we take a person seriously in this age of technology and innovation - the global world of opportunity and competition -  of facebook and smart phones - free mixing and crave for uncommitted-open-relationships and extreme level of sexual involvements - feelings are the least thing which gets noticed. The more its applied to be in touch - the more the attraction disappears. The more we get - the more we want - the more we want - the more we look for. Those we wait more - we become like waiters for lifetime - its the era of doing-as-per-requirement - more or less and you will be doomed. if you give more you will be criticized - you give less you will be replaced. The balance of being loved and loving is becoming so distant in most cases of us - that we are taking more of frustration-anger-tensions-irritation inside us and leaving the good things aside. there's is so much more discover in life - as we are gifted with time and passion - which others crave for and still not getting enough of it - and we let go of it by storing the bitterness of unwanted results and sufferings.

In my 27 years of life (almost) ... I have understood one fact very clear - nomatter how hard things get or how low I become - I will never stop moving - even if I know there's dead-end further ... more obstacles to face - more worse to become - I will break into pieces and gather myself on my own. Because I am meant to try for myself - make laughter and create love out of myself. I have many things to do - good or bad which time will decide and endeavour more tears to shed. I am unpredictable - crazy - impulsive but my karma was-is-will be mine. I will be punished and appreciated for my own account - and for forgiveness I am to bow to one entity  - My Allah - my creator ... 

Very heavy words - but from the bottom of real me - I am not afraid of the fact of going to bad all alone and waking up all alone - I am just starting over each day - as its meant to be ... I am my own light and darkness and I intend to make others happy so that I can be happy at the end of each brand new day ... 

My sins are mine and my heart is with me - no - its doesnt belong to someone worthless anymore ... and yes - I am in some cases a looser and winner - but it doesn't matter to me anymore - as far as I am alive _ I am fully satisfied with my self ... 

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Best Tips for Self-Improvement – Ways of Self-Improvement

As I don't invariably find yourself handling to place all the tips below directly into training, I really do produce a large effort to take action daily. It is a listing of the best suggestions to enhancing your lifestyle. It just takes slightly daily and you may notice wonderful modifications. You can increase your personal suggestions to your comments ought to.

1. Don’t Put things off

This really is a single We have a problem with a whole lot within my personal lifestyle. It has recently been a fantastic problem for me personally when i home based, however investing in this career has truly reduced the problem to avoid placing issues away as well as manage my well being. The sensation right after finishing a job you'll typically delay is a superb top and definitely a lot much healthier 1 compared to a few of the additional levels inside our lifestyles. Once you set one thing away, you might be getting oneself in to time-debt. You spend your debt again and also typically you get needing to do this at most bothersome period. Simply by delaying composing articles for that website, for instance, My partner and i wind up being forced to compose 1 with Several through the night once i would prefer to end up being viewing a show inside them for hours a glass or two! Your daily life will end up much more arranged in the event you adhere to this particular guideline.

2. Dont panic for targets – Live for the Now

Databases with this dynamics more often than not inform you to create and also create objectives. My goal is to let you know the alternative. A really smart psychotherapist when explained when you place a target, and get that, you might be frequently still having a clear experience as the objective isn't everything you believed it might be. It doesn't only not necessarily fulfill, an individual undoubtedly wind up missing a great deal existence simply by trying to succeed in one thing down the road. Having said that, We don’t feel you need to overlook the potential : it's well worth getting an idea of the items you should eventually accomplish -- yet don’t concentrate your entire vitality about setting it up. An illustration of this the main difference is: I've a objective to reside Italy. My partner and i devote Ten years wanting to conserve all of my funds in order to acheive in which aim. A very good fictitious example of this can be found in the film American Beauty.

3. Dont be afraid of fears, Face it

Each day you want to do one thing a person don’t might like to do -- or even really feel not comfortable carrying out. This particular may differ inside levels for everybody, however all of us have tiny problems we could commence with. For instance, you might not navigate to the health club as you worry everybody considering an individual -- take action anyhow! Right away you'll be much more certain that a person get rid of worries completely and may proceed to the subsequent worry : possibly even one thing greater. Residing any courageous lifestyle offers you any self-assurance which is obvious in order to other people. Rather than creating partitions about ourself, you should be shredding these lower.

4. Break the Chain

For those who have plenty of styles in your lifetime, attempt busting all of them -- make a move diverse every single day. Let’s point out you generally purchase exactly the same food at the typical Fri night time bistro. Test something different this kind of Comes to an end? You don't only arrive at expand your own encounters regarding lifestyle, an individual open several gates for future years. Recently I might by no means take in china meals or perhaps sea food. Then I chose which i would likely check it out. Fish has become certainly one of the best meals and that i would certainly dislike being without them. Simply because I stumbled upon i adore British as well as Oriental meals, I'm able to take in in almost any cafe I would like. In which initial step additionally meant I'm right now ready to try out completely any kind of meals.

5. Accept the things you can’t Change

Any time one thing negative occur in our everyday life, we attempt to correct these or perhaps modify all of them. However we sometimes can’t. Frequently this particular qualified prospects all of us to invest hrs moping and also dropping into despression symptoms. When you can be acknowledge what you can not modify -- you'll be a significantly more happy individual. Approval of those circumstances additionally we can begin getting a approach to deal considerably faster. For example, you may realize that you have only $10 left in your bank account that has to last the next 2 weeks. Instead of getting down about it, accept that you have no money and work out a way to survive on that amount.

...Ramadan Days...

Alhamdulilah ... I am still alive - healthy and peacefully (kind of) spending my this year's ramadan back home with my family and friends and being in the same city as in him :D

I am mostly a power-attention-care freak woman with absence of clear manners and justified activities. I do things which i wish to do without any concern to prior convictions that i might have to face or overcome. I am me - good and bad -ugly and sad - mostly smiling without reason ... whore-minded (named by a very close person to me) ... lol .. provocative-less active-quite possessive-huge temperamental and slight jealous kind of species ... duh - I am a human and I am not wise or worth risking your life for but I am good in helping you life get of risk for sure.

Ramadan to me is of limitations from obvious lust-pleasure-luxury-hatred-sick thinkings-dirty imaginations-seductive allocations of actions-envy-slothful intentions... it is to share-to help-to benefit others each way possible. Am I a pure fasting-holder? no comments to that ! 

I have fallen so low - that even my passion of getting up is lost at times. I have given reasons to people to hate me - not to want me - not to be with me. I have proved even I can loose control over relationships and my visions has changed. My ethics have advanced ... and my viewpoints are on diversion of changing directions. This year of 2012 - surely is a turning point in the book of my storyline - I am growing up real fast and real bad - I have got envious aggregation towards not-having-what-I-want ... I aint that sweet innocent girl any-more who used to cry slow and weep silently and say nothing to anyone - I shout - I scream - I insist - I provoke - I indulge - I protest - I resist - I sin - I make mistakes. 

I proud - I burn - I curse and most of all I ruin ! 

I think on my own concern more - I understand the clever dirty connections more - I value truth more - I live upto others expectations less and happily I get hurt more and more easily now-a-days. 

I don't know is it because I live a complete different me - back there in KL ? 

Or is it because I have experiences few new era's of life in past 6months?

People has changed alot around me - funny - it was always me who believed in change and when it happened to people i love - i coudnt take it ... i still can't maybe - but I am trying...after-all i am breathing still and time is moving on .. have to act prompt and smart or else tata-bye bye zindegi! whew!

love is more like a passion yes ! i love being in love - and no i will never change for sure ... i will dream about things which will never happen to me - i will want men who will never need me - i will need situations which will actually never occur in sense. 

I am on my way to 26 - but I still act as in some teen on her way to meeting her first cruse :D thanx to the men - who still can make me feel in such way - I am entirely grateful to you .

Moreover I am kind of being adoptive in case of family-matters ... I guess diplomatic would be the exact word... hmmm - going well Soi ! 

Friends - fixing my direction off to making them secondary priority of my life ...

Focus - havn't been able to set straight foot on it yet - but working hard - real hard ... 

Last but not the least - Have regained my faith of rejoicing my own mood after couple of years i guess ! yes - i have managed to be steady and happy even of feeling enormous pain somewhere down there inside of my soul - Bravo ! 

Uncertainties - a wide warming welcome ! 

Life - lets Play Fair-Safe-Big! 

Love Soi!

... Back in Bangaladesh ...

When I left Bangladesh ... four months back .. I knew loads of things will change but I feared the most that people will change - and yes ! people did !

I am back in Dhaka for 2 and half months - for my summer vacation and its just been 2 weeks ... I already feel awful . Few of best buddies aren't there as they used to be ... Parents are loving me more ... sisters are more caring .. and I feel like a guest in my home. Sigh - as they and I both know will be leaving again I guess its more adjusted that way.

My parents are on good terms - Alhamdulilah .. and each time I look at them I feel blessed. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't leave BD would it be some worse? all the things which were to be fixed could have been fixed even if I din't. I don't know - I don't wanna know anymore.


I have become more and more critical and self-centred ... its hard to keep my mood swings in control - or to just take jokes as in jokes. I believe I am getting older at heart - it doesn't matter how loud still I still laugh or how jolly-go-happy I act - deep within I feel a tired soul which is constantly crying out for a final end.


there are moments still left - when I am happy around home and friends - but as the night starts I fall and fall deep within my complicatedness and I freak out thinking what will happen to me in next few years.


I live a uncertain life - I feel uncertainties all around me - what am I doing why am I doing ... I don't have single clues at times ... I am more and more scattered ... there are moments when I stick to my pretentious self and say to myself - Its ok to fail. I moreover find a way to tame myself with such silly myths of life - attitudes of self-denial of self-mistakes have taken me nowhere better. I think alot these days - various issues - my past - my present - my future ... and I know the more I think I will go down.

I am standing in stage of life - when the self-interest of correction is dead ... the self-adjustment of accepting the world as it is and to move along with it is more of a curse ... my confidence level is finished and my dreams are all gone ... nowhere there is nothing .. I am more of a burden to myself .. and still I wake up - I laugh - I cry - I get angry and I get devastated - I again start a fresh - I again fall - and I stand up . I don't know how much more I can walk along - but as in a Human - I keep walking towards unknown ... No, I don't expect people to understand me anymore - as I am like a open book and still hard to read.
I have adjusted myself with the notion of - this is how things will be or maybe worse - who care's? I might not have to go all the way - so be prepared for it. what is valuable today might not be tomorrow - what I cherish today might hate it tomorrow and what I am not having today will not ask for in future ...
Contradictions and confusions are surrounding me tight and I am giving in this time - as I am tired of Myself and I have nothing left to try for - I will do what I have to do - I wont care what I want anymore.