... Things i also want to tell my daughter ...

1. When her boyfriend sticks his tongue down your throat, do not kiss back. Push him away, then swallow down the bile that’s threatening to spill out of your soft lips. Take off, run, and never look back. Some boys like to play dangerous games; but darling, you are not a toy.

2. The boy next door with the tanned skin and earthy brown eyes will whisper beautiful things to you. Sad things, loving things, things that will make blood rush to your cheeks in raging streams. Don’t believe the words that tumble out of his mouth baby; most people never really mean what they say. But that’s life, and it’ll be okay.

3. Be strong, be bold, be unafraid of the world and all the people in it. Always, always speak your mind and pounce to action when injustice creeps up on you. Challenge him when he questions you, hurl facts and opinions like darts until he recedes with shame. Whenever you feel rage and anger spreading like wildfire through your heart, speak up. Your words matter. You matter.

4. You are beautiful. You have always been beautiful, and you need to believe that you are. Even if the magazines don’t appreciate your wide hips or your glowing brown skin; dark and soft like honey, learn how to love yourself. This body is the only home you’ll have in this lifetime, so my darling, learn how to embrace every scar, freckle and mole. You are made out of the same atoms that formed Frida Kahlo and Picasso. You are art and you need to have faith in that.

5. It’s okay to eat dinner on your own. Or lunch. Or breakfast for that matter. There is no shame in solitude. Go to a quaint cafe; and observe the sights and sounds around you. Take note of the smell of fresh coffee hanging hot and heavy in the air. You are by yourself and free to be who you really are.  It is a lovely feeling. Revel in it, my love. When you finally leave, you will realize that you’ve just learned how to be okay on your own.

6. If someday you wake up and start to see the world in grey, please, please come to me first. I will hold you and we’ll take a long drive to nowhere with your favorite mix-tape playing in the car. I will remind you that the only way out is through, and that the demons in your mind are most definitely not stronger than you. I will tell you how much this world needs you so it can heal, how staying alive is a much better deal. I will tell you that I love you, then kiss your forehead, and promise to do everything I can, until your universe stops playing out in shades of blue.

Six Valuable Things I will Tell My Daughter Before She Grows Into a Woman from ArtParasites by Thushena Ganesh

Link : http://www.artparasites.com/six-valuable-things-i-will-tell-my-daughter-before-she-grows-into-a-woman/  

Don’t fall in love with me

Don’t fall in love with me.
There are days when I get sad without a reason and I just stare at the ceiling with tears streaming down my face.
Don’t fall in love with me.
On those days, I don’t talk to anyone. I just bury myself in my bed and think about how I became this mess of sadness.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I will become attached to you and I will cry myself to sleep if you don’t text me good night before you go to sleep and I will convince myself that it’s because you got tired of me.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m too much. I will depend on you. I need attention, much more than other people. I’ll talk to you in metaphors and make you one. I’ll write poems about you and opening up my skin at 2 A.M.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I couldn’t stand you coming home to find me on the bathroom floor shaking and crying, with blood spilling from my wrists. I couldn’t stand seeing the disappointment in your eyes.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I will pour everything I’ve left of me into you, every bit of love, until I have nothing to give. Until I become completely empty.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m scared that my sadness is contagious.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I will replay your sweet words in my head when I hate myself so much that I want to die. Your words will be the only thing that make me stay.
Don’t fall in love with me.
You will live in fear. You won’t be able to leave me, because you’d know if you did, I wouldn’t have anything to live for.
Don’t fall in love with me.
Before I met you, there wasn’t a single person who could’ve made me stay. You’re my reason now.
Don’t fall in love with me.
Because I will fall in love with you.

- by (yet) unknown writer

What Is Love ?

love is every morning when i wake up thinking i am next to him and i feel profoundly safe. 
love is every kiss i put on him and i feel i am close to life - to earth. 
love is every time i land in his arms and i feel i am home. 
love is every day i go to work and i wish to see him when i finish. love is every meal that i have and reminds me whether he has eaten or not. 
love is when i get angry and sad - and i feel i will not talk to him but then i end up touching him slowly in tears and in pain. 
love is when i can't stop telling him how my day was. 
love is when i wear something and wish him to tell me i look good. 
love is when i hope he would call me and tell me he misses me. 
love is each time he smiles at me and i get loads of butterflies in my stomach. 
love is every love story which reminds me of ours. 
love is any breaking point when i loose myself, i feel weak and lonely. 
love is any boiling point when i feel extremely heated up wanting to be with him in every possible way i can. 
love is what i feel for his friends and family - pure and honest; whether i like them or not. Yet how they have become part of my life.
love is how we don't agree and even when we disagree we remain partners- in wellness and in sickness, in harmony and in chaos. 
love is what makes me cry and laugh to think and not to think. 
love is when i love him and he loves me. 
love is beyond signs on a piece of paper or approval from elders. 
love is everything that makes me feel, sense, to understand, not to understand, numbly dumb, dominantly stupid; loudly active, prominently sad;love is when We Love, in goodness and in badness.

...difference between I Want You and I Need You...

As I grow, I learn. My desires from a relationship have changed over the course of time. Now I no longer want someone who says they would be with me forever, and I no longer want someone who says they would never leave me. I am not looking for someone who is always neatly dressed up, or wears shiny shoes, or has an amazing sense of humour or has great guitar playing skills. I am not looking for someone who has the false sense of love, and thinks that love is finding that one perfect person, or someone who is trying to check items off their list while they search for "the one". I want someone who understands that "the one" is a fairy tale, and though fairy tales do happen in real life, they take much more work than the Cinderella finding her prince charming by walking into a party. Every fairy tale ends with "happily ever after", I want someone who realizes that the "happily ever afters" are a lot of hard work. As I grow, I have learnt that the physical traits matter less and less and loyalty and undivided attention are the most important traits in a relationship. I don't want someone who sugar coats everything, and never gets angry at anything. I want someone who is raw, and real, and tells me how it really is. I am more interested in someone who realizes that sometimes life happens and sometimes things don't work out. I want to be able to make a conversation with them, for four hours straight, and not feel bored, and not feel unwanted and not feel like they are not listening. I want someone who wants to know how my day was, always. As I grow, I have learnt that privacy is important, and there is only so much time that we all have on this earth and only so many people that we can spend it with. I want someone who wants to spend their time with me as much as I want to spend time with them, any less is just not good enough. I want someone who admits that they really like my company rather than playing games, alas, modern dating, games have become the norm, and I don't have time or patience to play along. As I grow, I have learnt, that I am complete by myself, and I don't need anyone to define my existence, but you can make me so much better. I want to be stronger with you, and grow with you, together, and individually. To tell you the truth - no, I don't need you - but I really want you. And all of this, that you realize that we are two very different people, and that we are just starting to know each other, and that we might not work out, and everything else about our relationship, makes me think that this might actually work, that we've got a pretty good shot. - Shivee Chauhan

“The letter had been crumpled up and tossed onto the grate. It had burned all around the edges, so the names at the top and bottom had gone up in smoke. But there was enough of the bold black scrawl to reveal that it had indeed been a love letter. And as Hannah read the singed and half-destroyed parchment, she was forced to turn away to hide the trembling of her hand.

—should warn you that this letter will not be eloquent. However, it will be sincere, especially in light of the fact that you will never read it. I have felt these words like a weight in my chest, until I find myself amazed that a heart can go on beating under such a burden.

I love you. I love you desperately, violently, tenderly, completely. I want you in ways that I know you would find shocking. My love, you don't belong with a man like me. In the past I've done things you wouldn't approve of, and I've done them ten times over. I have led a life of immoderate sin. As it turns out, I'm just as immoderate in love. Worse, in fact.

I want to kiss every soft place of you, make you blush and faint, pleasure you until you weep, and dry every tear with my lips. If you only knew how I crave the taste of you. I want to take you in my hands and mouth and feast on you. I want to drink wine and honey from you.

I want you under me. On your back.I want to talk with you forever. I want to remember every word you've ever said to me.


If only I could visit you as a foreigner goes into a new country, learn the language of you, wander past all borders into every private and secret place, I would stay forever. I would become a citizen of you.

You would say it's too soon to feel this way. You would ask how I could be so certain. But some things can't be measured by time. Ask me an hour from now. Ask me a month from now. A year, ten years, a lifetime. The way I love you will outlast every calendar, clock, and every toll of every bell that will ever be cast. If only you—

And there it stopped.”

― Lisa Kleypas, A Wallflower Christmas

... March 7th till July 7th ...

Abba is gone Forever ! 

Its been straight 4 months - and Abba is gone forever (RIP March 7th 2014)... how was he ? how is he now? does he sees us time to time? how did it all happen? Questions arrive to often in mind - answers are so many ... its painful and hard to bear the emptiness - i feel awfully as in a orphan and now i know my relationship with him when he is nomore ...

I came back to Dhaka 2 months ready ... back home - nothing has changed - same old chaos and same old conflicts - newer issues to cry over - i wonder why we don't change thinking about his demise? I look at the mirror and find myself drooling over the mistakes i have done so far ... and i find i stand nowhere ... no one to look up to - no job - no master degree - no friends to cling tight into - to love_life to dwell within ... i find myself completely numb and laying like a stone at times - nothing or noone touches me anymore. Is this what my father intended of me? No. Is this i wanted to become of myself ? Not at all.

At times there are tears rolling over cheeks and i don't know why am i crying - at times there are moments when i feel something is crushing hard on top of my chest and i can't find the thing myself ... at times there are sadness and grief of seeing myself like this and i don't know doing what would heal my soul ... i look at my mother and my sisters and i find enormous level of disappointment - pain - suffering in their lives ... I pray and pray thinking next day would be different - but i cant remember last time i saw them happy all-together. 

I ended my 1.5 year old relationship within a month - just out of hype of being free from prejudices and bindings of pressures over my soul and mind - what was it like? it was a sweet healthy relationship underneath having great mishaps and diseases ... a relationship which had a image of adjustment and torments going over with - as time passes by i realized it was a good feeling not to be in it anymore ... it gave me freedom to analyze over my family issues and understand my stands in them - i was not being lectured or guided or told what to do and what to not - i am once again free to perform my own mistakes and take blame for it - i am free to do my own thinking and not be ashamed of it - though i have been wonderfully well-criticized for my decision to end this relationship out of nowhere but at the end of the day i feel good - atleast less pressured and less burdened with life ... 

All relations aren't like fairy tales and comes with happy ending ! 

There comes relations where you try and try and see your partner pick on you to change and change for betterment - and still it gives you a lot of burden deep down inside making u feel u are worthless and no matter how much u do - the basic roots of being will never change - despite of whether its religious beliefs or social norms - but God has created u in different ways - and you keep taking in and taking in - that feeling of imperfection keeps eating u inside and u loose all the good course to try further - u become shallow and emptier inside - u become greedy for freedom of being - u don't stand on being right or wrong anymore and the bitterness of pressures and ultra-intensive love affair takes out your confidence of being what at the very 1st place of falling in love you were - You just explode !

Its specially easier to explode when you have that space and control over your surrounding where you are actually ... it wasn't pre-planned or anything that i brought in mind from KL - but i guess it happened so fast and accurately because we were in different countries - if i was still in KL - maybe we would still be together - suffocating and making ourselves suffer... looking at the good deeds one cannot pass their lifetime with the other one - atleast he wasn't like that - so i guess i had to turn into someone like him and give it the final ending - am i sorry about it ? no - i am content because it happened finally and I wish him all the best !

What's in another degree ? nothing anymore !

I enrolled for Masters because my father wanted me to do it ... I spent my 2 years in KL because My father wanted me to stay out of Bangladesh - I left Bangladesh because i had a very good reason ... now i regret it all - i ran away because i couldn't face my pain -  Abba helped me ran away because he didn't wanted me to be in pain - but what did i do ? I didn't finish my masters yet - i became unhealthy - more physically vulnerable and i am back into doing nothing - now I can't even ask anyone to let me stay and not ask me to go back ...

Its more like a dead-end now - knowing its a dead-end still have to move further and trust me - its a never-ending journey - taking a U-turn and ending where i started from - too tired of walking on the same path over and over - people say i wanted and did these all by myself - even i say yes i ruined it myself - why ? because i love life and i love for living ! if i start changing tomorrow the same people would blame for being other-way and me will be again taking a U-tern ...  so my understanding of all combines to its all about nothing and still everything and this is actual life ... u laugh u cry - u break down - u build up - more or less - sooner or later we all go with the same phase - i talk about it you don't - so u do criticize me and i adore you for your perfect picture :P 

Moving on is NOT tougher anymore ...

moving on isn't tougher anymore or something to think over and over - its more like a daily routine now - no matter what happens move on - whether its death or new life - move on ... its a failure or achievement move on ... just keep breathing - just keep rolling ur eyelashes and smiling for ownself - because life is very uncertain - and truth is supposed to be harsh - u gotta have all the energy to deal with life and people in it - u can't just sit back and wonder things will be falling into their own places - something u gotta fix yourself - some the Almighty will fix for you - unless its your final moment you gotta roll the dice and play along ... how and why its for you to decide and choose! 

...Ramadan Days...

Alhamdulilah ... I am still alive - healthy and peacefully (kind of) spending my this year's ramadan back home with my family and friends and being in the same city as in him :D

I am mostly a power-attention-care freak woman with absence of clear manners and justified activities. I do things which i wish to do without any concern to prior convictions that i might have to face or overcome. I am me - good and bad -ugly and sad - mostly smiling without reason ... whore-minded (named by a very close person to me) ... lol .. provocative-less active-quite possessive-huge temperamental and slight jealous kind of species ... duh - I am a human and I am not wise or worth risking your life for but I am good in helping you life get of risk for sure.

Ramadan to me is of limitations from obvious lust-pleasure-luxury-hatred-sick thinkings-dirty imaginations-seductive allocations of actions-envy-slothful intentions... it is to share-to help-to benefit others each way possible. Am I a pure fasting-holder? no comments to that ! 

I have fallen so low - that even my passion of getting up is lost at times. I have given reasons to people to hate me - not to want me - not to be with me. I have proved even I can loose control over relationships and my visions has changed. My ethics have advanced ... and my viewpoints are on diversion of changing directions. This year of 2012 - surely is a turning point in the book of my storyline - I am growing up real fast and real bad - I have got envious aggregation towards not-having-what-I-want ... I aint that sweet innocent girl any-more who used to cry slow and weep silently and say nothing to anyone - I shout - I scream - I insist - I provoke - I indulge - I protest - I resist - I sin - I make mistakes. 

I proud - I burn - I curse and most of all I ruin ! 

I think on my own concern more - I understand the clever dirty connections more - I value truth more - I live upto others expectations less and happily I get hurt more and more easily now-a-days. 

I don't know is it because I live a complete different me - back there in KL ? 

Or is it because I have experiences few new era's of life in past 6months?

People has changed alot around me - funny - it was always me who believed in change and when it happened to people i love - i coudnt take it ... i still can't maybe - but I am trying...after-all i am breathing still and time is moving on .. have to act prompt and smart or else tata-bye bye zindegi! whew!

love is more like a passion yes ! i love being in love - and no i will never change for sure ... i will dream about things which will never happen to me - i will want men who will never need me - i will need situations which will actually never occur in sense. 

I am on my way to 26 - but I still act as in some teen on her way to meeting her first cruse :D thanx to the men - who still can make me feel in such way - I am entirely grateful to you .

Moreover I am kind of being adoptive in case of family-matters ... I guess diplomatic would be the exact word... hmmm - going well Soi ! 

Friends - fixing my direction off to making them secondary priority of my life ...

Focus - havn't been able to set straight foot on it yet - but working hard - real hard ... 

Last but not the least - Have regained my faith of rejoicing my own mood after couple of years i guess ! yes - i have managed to be steady and happy even of feeling enormous pain somewhere down there inside of my soul - Bravo ! 

Uncertainties - a wide warming welcome ! 

Life - lets Play Fair-Safe-Big! 

Love Soi!