Don’t fall in love with me

Don’t fall in love with me.
There are days when I get sad without a reason and I just stare at the ceiling with tears streaming down my face.
Don’t fall in love with me.
On those days, I don’t talk to anyone. I just bury myself in my bed and think about how I became this mess of sadness.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I will become attached to you and I will cry myself to sleep if you don’t text me good night before you go to sleep and I will convince myself that it’s because you got tired of me.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m too much. I will depend on you. I need attention, much more than other people. I’ll talk to you in metaphors and make you one. I’ll write poems about you and opening up my skin at 2 A.M.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I couldn’t stand you coming home to find me on the bathroom floor shaking and crying, with blood spilling from my wrists. I couldn’t stand seeing the disappointment in your eyes.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I will pour everything I’ve left of me into you, every bit of love, until I have nothing to give. Until I become completely empty.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m scared that my sadness is contagious.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I will replay your sweet words in my head when I hate myself so much that I want to die. Your words will be the only thing that make me stay.
Don’t fall in love with me.
You will live in fear. You won’t be able to leave me, because you’d know if you did, I wouldn’t have anything to live for.
Don’t fall in love with me.
Before I met you, there wasn’t a single person who could’ve made me stay. You’re my reason now.
Don’t fall in love with me.
Because I will fall in love with you.

- by (yet) unknown writer

... March 7th till July 7th ...

Abba is gone Forever ! 

Its been straight 4 months - and Abba is gone forever (RIP March 7th 2014)... how was he ? how is he now? does he sees us time to time? how did it all happen? Questions arrive to often in mind - answers are so many ... its painful and hard to bear the emptiness - i feel awfully as in a orphan and now i know my relationship with him when he is nomore ...

I came back to Dhaka 2 months ready ... back home - nothing has changed - same old chaos and same old conflicts - newer issues to cry over - i wonder why we don't change thinking about his demise? I look at the mirror and find myself drooling over the mistakes i have done so far ... and i find i stand nowhere ... no one to look up to - no job - no master degree - no friends to cling tight into - to love_life to dwell within ... i find myself completely numb and laying like a stone at times - nothing or noone touches me anymore. Is this what my father intended of me? No. Is this i wanted to become of myself ? Not at all.

At times there are tears rolling over cheeks and i don't know why am i crying - at times there are moments when i feel something is crushing hard on top of my chest and i can't find the thing myself ... at times there are sadness and grief of seeing myself like this and i don't know doing what would heal my soul ... i look at my mother and my sisters and i find enormous level of disappointment - pain - suffering in their lives ... I pray and pray thinking next day would be different - but i cant remember last time i saw them happy all-together. 

I ended my 1.5 year old relationship within a month - just out of hype of being free from prejudices and bindings of pressures over my soul and mind - what was it like? it was a sweet healthy relationship underneath having great mishaps and diseases ... a relationship which had a image of adjustment and torments going over with - as time passes by i realized it was a good feeling not to be in it anymore ... it gave me freedom to analyze over my family issues and understand my stands in them - i was not being lectured or guided or told what to do and what to not - i am once again free to perform my own mistakes and take blame for it - i am free to do my own thinking and not be ashamed of it - though i have been wonderfully well-criticized for my decision to end this relationship out of nowhere but at the end of the day i feel good - atleast less pressured and less burdened with life ... 

All relations aren't like fairy tales and comes with happy ending ! 

There comes relations where you try and try and see your partner pick on you to change and change for betterment - and still it gives you a lot of burden deep down inside making u feel u are worthless and no matter how much u do - the basic roots of being will never change - despite of whether its religious beliefs or social norms - but God has created u in different ways - and you keep taking in and taking in - that feeling of imperfection keeps eating u inside and u loose all the good course to try further - u become shallow and emptier inside - u become greedy for freedom of being - u don't stand on being right or wrong anymore and the bitterness of pressures and ultra-intensive love affair takes out your confidence of being what at the very 1st place of falling in love you were - You just explode !

Its specially easier to explode when you have that space and control over your surrounding where you are actually ... it wasn't pre-planned or anything that i brought in mind from KL - but i guess it happened so fast and accurately because we were in different countries - if i was still in KL - maybe we would still be together - suffocating and making ourselves suffer... looking at the good deeds one cannot pass their lifetime with the other one - atleast he wasn't like that - so i guess i had to turn into someone like him and give it the final ending - am i sorry about it ? no - i am content because it happened finally and I wish him all the best !

What's in another degree ? nothing anymore !

I enrolled for Masters because my father wanted me to do it ... I spent my 2 years in KL because My father wanted me to stay out of Bangladesh - I left Bangladesh because i had a very good reason ... now i regret it all - i ran away because i couldn't face my pain -  Abba helped me ran away because he didn't wanted me to be in pain - but what did i do ? I didn't finish my masters yet - i became unhealthy - more physically vulnerable and i am back into doing nothing - now I can't even ask anyone to let me stay and not ask me to go back ...

Its more like a dead-end now - knowing its a dead-end still have to move further and trust me - its a never-ending journey - taking a U-turn and ending where i started from - too tired of walking on the same path over and over - people say i wanted and did these all by myself - even i say yes i ruined it myself - why ? because i love life and i love for living ! if i start changing tomorrow the same people would blame for being other-way and me will be again taking a U-tern ...  so my understanding of all combines to its all about nothing and still everything and this is actual life ... u laugh u cry - u break down - u build up - more or less - sooner or later we all go with the same phase - i talk about it you don't - so u do criticize me and i adore you for your perfect picture :P 

Moving on is NOT tougher anymore ...

moving on isn't tougher anymore or something to think over and over - its more like a daily routine now - no matter what happens move on - whether its death or new life - move on ... its a failure or achievement move on ... just keep breathing - just keep rolling ur eyelashes and smiling for ownself - because life is very uncertain - and truth is supposed to be harsh - u gotta have all the energy to deal with life and people in it - u can't just sit back and wonder things will be falling into their own places - something u gotta fix yourself - some the Almighty will fix for you - unless its your final moment you gotta roll the dice and play along ... how and why its for you to decide and choose! 

...Ramadan Days...

Alhamdulilah ... I am still alive - healthy and peacefully (kind of) spending my this year's ramadan back home with my family and friends and being in the same city as in him :D

I am mostly a power-attention-care freak woman with absence of clear manners and justified activities. I do things which i wish to do without any concern to prior convictions that i might have to face or overcome. I am me - good and bad -ugly and sad - mostly smiling without reason ... whore-minded (named by a very close person to me) ... lol .. provocative-less active-quite possessive-huge temperamental and slight jealous kind of species ... duh - I am a human and I am not wise or worth risking your life for but I am good in helping you life get of risk for sure.

Ramadan to me is of limitations from obvious lust-pleasure-luxury-hatred-sick thinkings-dirty imaginations-seductive allocations of actions-envy-slothful intentions... it is to share-to help-to benefit others each way possible. Am I a pure fasting-holder? no comments to that ! 

I have fallen so low - that even my passion of getting up is lost at times. I have given reasons to people to hate me - not to want me - not to be with me. I have proved even I can loose control over relationships and my visions has changed. My ethics have advanced ... and my viewpoints are on diversion of changing directions. This year of 2012 - surely is a turning point in the book of my storyline - I am growing up real fast and real bad - I have got envious aggregation towards not-having-what-I-want ... I aint that sweet innocent girl any-more who used to cry slow and weep silently and say nothing to anyone - I shout - I scream - I insist - I provoke - I indulge - I protest - I resist - I sin - I make mistakes. 

I proud - I burn - I curse and most of all I ruin ! 

I think on my own concern more - I understand the clever dirty connections more - I value truth more - I live upto others expectations less and happily I get hurt more and more easily now-a-days. 

I don't know is it because I live a complete different me - back there in KL ? 

Or is it because I have experiences few new era's of life in past 6months?

People has changed alot around me - funny - it was always me who believed in change and when it happened to people i love - i coudnt take it ... i still can't maybe - but I am trying...after-all i am breathing still and time is moving on .. have to act prompt and smart or else tata-bye bye zindegi! whew!

love is more like a passion yes ! i love being in love - and no i will never change for sure ... i will dream about things which will never happen to me - i will want men who will never need me - i will need situations which will actually never occur in sense. 

I am on my way to 26 - but I still act as in some teen on her way to meeting her first cruse :D thanx to the men - who still can make me feel in such way - I am entirely grateful to you .

Moreover I am kind of being adoptive in case of family-matters ... I guess diplomatic would be the exact word... hmmm - going well Soi ! 

Friends - fixing my direction off to making them secondary priority of my life ...

Focus - havn't been able to set straight foot on it yet - but working hard - real hard ... 

Last but not the least - Have regained my faith of rejoicing my own mood after couple of years i guess ! yes - i have managed to be steady and happy even of feeling enormous pain somewhere down there inside of my soul - Bravo ! 

Uncertainties - a wide warming welcome ! 

Life - lets Play Fair-Safe-Big! 

Love Soi!