... A girl in Dhaka - A girl everywhere in the world ...

Lately i had re-situated myself in the metro city Dhaka , my home city - the city where i was born, raised and taught the itsy-bitsy deals of life. I have earned myself a average job as in a communication executive which is feeding my mind nicely - i have taken over my family responsibilities which often suits my madness to the infinity. 

5-days a week - starting every Sunday to Thursday - i travel from home to office via public bus transportation in within the city. some mornings are too fine to have a 25min max. journey to office. some mornings are too hectic when Dhaka traffic shows its true colors of chaos, crowd and indiscipline of cars and cars and cars. Moreover, i despise it at times as i enter office late - i get out late - i reach home late and i feel late in my thinking and mind as well. But this is how Dhaka is ! The most densely populated city in the world perhaps one of the worst cities to live within. 

Sometimes in the evening - it takes me hours to just get into a transport - may it be a bus or CNG - as in Dhaka, time seems to be the most precious treasure to almost everyone at the same time - no one is ready to spend 2 min to cross the over-bridge - no one is ready to let the next car cut down before them ... all simply rush and rush. Accidents, incidents all happen and still no one care a shit to wait - to be patient - to follow the traffic rules. 

Well, that's how i have seen Dhaka as per past 25 years. 

I have stayed in Kuala Lumpur for about 2 years - and yes they have got some remarkable manners in case of following traffic rules and maintaining ques and honoring the passer-by people around them; also the traffic rules are quite strict and no they don't have traffic police in roads. Rather they have got the cameras and speed detectors and toll stations and automatic traffic systems to help out the people around.

Comparable to Dhaka - I would give more appreciation to KL streets and roads and lanes and their structures and safety issues. But if i am given option ride the Dhaka street or KL one - i will always choose Dhaka.

In Dhaka, its quite tough for a girl to travel along - as it takes illegitimate touches of strangers in the bus throughout the journey - u have to go through x-ray looks of men around you round the clock - no matter what shape or skin or age you are. U cant travel alone after 10 to 10:30 pm max in the city. Even if you are in the private car - unless your glass is black - you cant hide yourself out from those nasty looks and remarks. To get inside a bus is like a triumph of delivery to me - people will jump over you without paying much concern of your womanly body and mostly they would simply do it for fun. 

Unfortunately, its shameful but true 95% men wont sacrifice their seats even when a lady or girl is standing in the bus ... and that's how Dhaka is. In case, you are wearing a pant or jeans or some western outfit - you are being eye-raped by at-least 5 men around you. Am i talking too much shit about men in Dhaka? C'mon that's the reality which i go through at least 3 days a week.

To be able to travel through such calamities everyday - is more of a fight being repeated over and over. 

Some days i feel like crying - some days i simply stay silent - some days are full of discomfort and disgusted emotions and mostly Its part of daily life where i have to held my head strong - my facial expressions unchanged. I simply follow one statement - people giving you nasty looks doesn't make you nasty !

If you know how to travel in Dhaka using the public transports and yet be not scared of using it again and again - you can travel alone anywhere in the world ... trust me ! Self - guarantee !

I love Dhaka , despite of the worse living conditions i always do - like when we love someone we accept their flaws and keep loving them. Dhaka is becoming impossible to bear day by day - mentality of people are becoming empty and troublesome - poverty is rising high and life is becoming complicated ... but isn't that how life becomes? ups and downs - good stuff and then bad stuff and then again good stuff and keeps on repeating over and over - circle of life?

... Being Regular ...

Writing ...

Well i do call myself a creative writer which is semi-true - i write academic papers for my masters - i write official required papers for my professional outputs - i post severe emotional Facebook statuses for my friends and public followers - i even write up my opinions on different issues both important and non-important one's ... but the habit of writing freely for just nothing has left me in past few years.
I keep coming back to blogger.com - i always decide 'from now on i will be writing at-least once or twice a week about nothing in particular - rather about anything that crosses my mind and i want to talk about. Unfortunately it never happened as per i thought.
I do often write in my mind - yes I do - i think overloaded-ly about stuff and people i see - i don's see. I want to see - i don't want to see. I imagine - i day dream - i conceptualize about things that has happened or never happened to me.
I am very expressive and self-centered in case of my own gut-feelings - good or bad - right or wrong - i say it - some cases without holding much conviction about it. I try not to hurt people at the same time i am too keen to say the honest opinion to them - which rather makes me the evil-being to them mostly. Can't help it ! Actually, i never had the notion of being one self and pretending to be another. I go by moments. I go by odd chances in life. What if tomorrow never comes for me?
I am awkwardly confused about how people terms me - i am not bothered about how good or bad i am to them but i do care whether they are getting me right or wrong. now that's complicated. even if i am being bad i want people to understand that. who wants it? weird me :D
I am loudly soft spoken - bit juggled up between emotions and reality bites. Emotions are something which keep changing shapes in my mind and my life- reality is something which stays static at the end of the day. Having all other variables unchanged or changed - i stick to own way of perceiving things - i do what i feel is necessary to do - though often i do what my heart wants me to do.
I am not a head-person in case of personal life. I am a complete nut-shell in case of dealing with humor and joke. on top of it i am kinda dumb and stupid-some ... but i like myself.
Hey i am kinda self-criticizing myself on the very 1st day of work in Bangladesh after 2 and half straight years. not bad huh!

Life is all about moving on - unless you are dead ! I dont like being stuck - i dont like being settled in one place for a longer period.
Does it mean i lack in having focus? No... i believe i am too unpredictable to be in one situation. I love changes. i love being through changes. I like it when situations change around and we keep on shifting our tracks from one to another. I am worried of being drawn into one direction. I am more comfortable in being driven to different directions. new phases - new experiences. 

Do i lack commitment or stability? what is commitment? to do things with proper concern and till the end of period. I follow it - i stick to the plan till the end - i do my work whatever it is till the very end of completion - its just that i dont take it as in my only job. I feel the urge and thirst for more and more challenges. whats next? whats more worse? whats coming which i dont see? how to bend myself to the outmost? out to push myself out of the boundary each time situation requires it?
what is stability? to be consistent in moving on and on - being in one proper role or position isnt stability for me - to be able to have the same level of dedication towards fighting or coping or dealing with life is stability for me. because life is very uncertain - and its supposed to be like that. you cant say tomorrow you will wake up in the same bed - same place as you did today. if you do - congratulations ! if you don't - don't worry its normal. 

Home - where i belong !what do i have in home? a mother who is constantly nagging and bugging me to be home as early as i can ...
but also the mother for whom my existence matters. who cares whether i am home or not - eaten or not. slept or not. what i am wearing. what i am doing locked inside the room ... yes - that matters more than half of life to me. for this women i have the urge to be someone - something so that she can smile. otherwise i am not a person who wants to go back home - a constant stable point where everything remains unchanged. 

what else? good to be back home ... good to be remain how i am or how i have become. Life is easy - we are complicated. Let's not have pre-occupied ideas of how to do what when and where - because honey the more you will plan the more you will get worked up as not everything goes as in you want ... taking control over life is ok - but destiny awaits and that's pretty much uncontrollable. 

Cheers ! 

Soi 

11:40 am (BD)

... March 7th till July 7th ...

Abba is gone Forever ! 

Its been straight 4 months - and Abba is gone forever (RIP March 7th 2014)... how was he ? how is he now? does he sees us time to time? how did it all happen? Questions arrive to often in mind - answers are so many ... its painful and hard to bear the emptiness - i feel awfully as in a orphan and now i know my relationship with him when he is nomore ...

I came back to Dhaka 2 months ready ... back home - nothing has changed - same old chaos and same old conflicts - newer issues to cry over - i wonder why we don't change thinking about his demise? I look at the mirror and find myself drooling over the mistakes i have done so far ... and i find i stand nowhere ... no one to look up to - no job - no master degree - no friends to cling tight into - to love_life to dwell within ... i find myself completely numb and laying like a stone at times - nothing or noone touches me anymore. Is this what my father intended of me? No. Is this i wanted to become of myself ? Not at all.

At times there are tears rolling over cheeks and i don't know why am i crying - at times there are moments when i feel something is crushing hard on top of my chest and i can't find the thing myself ... at times there are sadness and grief of seeing myself like this and i don't know doing what would heal my soul ... i look at my mother and my sisters and i find enormous level of disappointment - pain - suffering in their lives ... I pray and pray thinking next day would be different - but i cant remember last time i saw them happy all-together. 

I ended my 1.5 year old relationship within a month - just out of hype of being free from prejudices and bindings of pressures over my soul and mind - what was it like? it was a sweet healthy relationship underneath having great mishaps and diseases ... a relationship which had a image of adjustment and torments going over with - as time passes by i realized it was a good feeling not to be in it anymore ... it gave me freedom to analyze over my family issues and understand my stands in them - i was not being lectured or guided or told what to do and what to not - i am once again free to perform my own mistakes and take blame for it - i am free to do my own thinking and not be ashamed of it - though i have been wonderfully well-criticized for my decision to end this relationship out of nowhere but at the end of the day i feel good - atleast less pressured and less burdened with life ... 

All relations aren't like fairy tales and comes with happy ending ! 

There comes relations where you try and try and see your partner pick on you to change and change for betterment - and still it gives you a lot of burden deep down inside making u feel u are worthless and no matter how much u do - the basic roots of being will never change - despite of whether its religious beliefs or social norms - but God has created u in different ways - and you keep taking in and taking in - that feeling of imperfection keeps eating u inside and u loose all the good course to try further - u become shallow and emptier inside - u become greedy for freedom of being - u don't stand on being right or wrong anymore and the bitterness of pressures and ultra-intensive love affair takes out your confidence of being what at the very 1st place of falling in love you were - You just explode !

Its specially easier to explode when you have that space and control over your surrounding where you are actually ... it wasn't pre-planned or anything that i brought in mind from KL - but i guess it happened so fast and accurately because we were in different countries - if i was still in KL - maybe we would still be together - suffocating and making ourselves suffer... looking at the good deeds one cannot pass their lifetime with the other one - atleast he wasn't like that - so i guess i had to turn into someone like him and give it the final ending - am i sorry about it ? no - i am content because it happened finally and I wish him all the best !

What's in another degree ? nothing anymore !

I enrolled for Masters because my father wanted me to do it ... I spent my 2 years in KL because My father wanted me to stay out of Bangladesh - I left Bangladesh because i had a very good reason ... now i regret it all - i ran away because i couldn't face my pain -  Abba helped me ran away because he didn't wanted me to be in pain - but what did i do ? I didn't finish my masters yet - i became unhealthy - more physically vulnerable and i am back into doing nothing - now I can't even ask anyone to let me stay and not ask me to go back ...

Its more like a dead-end now - knowing its a dead-end still have to move further and trust me - its a never-ending journey - taking a U-turn and ending where i started from - too tired of walking on the same path over and over - people say i wanted and did these all by myself - even i say yes i ruined it myself - why ? because i love life and i love for living ! if i start changing tomorrow the same people would blame for being other-way and me will be again taking a U-tern ...  so my understanding of all combines to its all about nothing and still everything and this is actual life ... u laugh u cry - u break down - u build up - more or less - sooner or later we all go with the same phase - i talk about it you don't - so u do criticize me and i adore you for your perfect picture :P 

Moving on is NOT tougher anymore ...

moving on isn't tougher anymore or something to think over and over - its more like a daily routine now - no matter what happens move on - whether its death or new life - move on ... its a failure or achievement move on ... just keep breathing - just keep rolling ur eyelashes and smiling for ownself - because life is very uncertain - and truth is supposed to be harsh - u gotta have all the energy to deal with life and people in it - u can't just sit back and wonder things will be falling into their own places - something u gotta fix yourself - some the Almighty will fix for you - unless its your final moment you gotta roll the dice and play along ... how and why its for you to decide and choose!