....I am done with Life...

In next 16 days i am going to 25...i know it will make me look mature and aged enough to be a grown-up. i never wanted to live long...in my childhood..i wasn't afraid of living long...i just never had the vision of living long and becoming something very famous or being ambitious..i was a normal kid i believe...very shy and polite and sober i guess. as time passed by i kept on changing my inner-skin to heart and soul... and in 10years if span i became such a tiny animal of a kind...who feared living and also at the time loved it more than anything.

people changes due to course of time ... depending on environmental, social, economical, personal etc. variables around them plus happening to them. i changed according to the mistakes i conducted and misdeeds i counted in people. i grew up in a family where being happy is like monsoon weather...appears 3-4 months a year. yes... unforgettably each year was more or less similar. parents fighting, sisters making the family headlines, i being more n more into the inside-home shell. i did open up n grew up into a fine-outspoken angel to the outer world...but at home i became more more to myself. i always felt the necessity to hug someone and cry endlessly but i never had or nor i have today someone who can hold me up that tight.

its a tough feeling...strange maybe...but its true. i am that much lonely in my life. i have got fortunately bunch of good people as in my best buddies and still none of them are that someone. maybe i never tried or saw whether its possible or not. i think as time passed by and i became this different inner-soul inside i kinda lost that feeling of necessity. peculiar me!

as i was saying i never thought of having a long life. now i do pray that may i never live longer. i am done with all i could be in life. i know there are so many things and places and people and feelings and love is still left to endure-experience-adventure ... but still i feel no passion. i feel no breath. i feel terribly-deeply dissatisfied and done with everything. i feel such bitterness in myself an i often do think i was born as in a human as in a mistake. pardon me - Allah... but its true. i am a human born with a tiny head and heart which doesn't partake such small amount of guilt-sorrow-tear in life. and to prove my-own-self wrong i don't feel any necessity either.

i wonder as time passed by why do necessities keep on vanishing from my head? i think of suicides often and trust me that seems the easiest short-cut to hell. i know when i'll be in hell i will be complaining as same as i am doing right now. but i wont be able to figure out any short-cut from there. and my soul and heart wont be treated or act as in a human anymore. i mostly feel i am stuck in this world and i feel no shame in saying that i am a failure.

I am talking shit cause i am a shit...worthless...who doesn't want to take care of own-self. definitely i wasn't and won't be able to take care of any other soul.

i am going to turn 25 and already it seems to much for me. i am tired of my birth..my own smell...my own breathing, my own concepts and lies to own-self... that at the end it all will come round.

i am planning...yes planning to dispatch my soul some other place. when and how not fixed yet. but the necessity is rising high. and one thing i learned the most in life when something is needed in life...fulfill it as soon as possible since the necessity might run out. LoL. Adios..