No matter what, do what you gotta do!

It is hard to keep rolling at times. 

It is difficult to feel empty inside and still smile as if nothing is wrong. 

It is terrible to wake up every 2-3 hrs and find yourself alone, scared everynight - as if living a nightmare everyday. 

It is awful not to have a sense of belongingnes, as if you do not exist anywhere, or to anyone. 

It is tiring to constantly remind yourself that it is okay not to be okay. 

We mostly live a life, that leads us nowhere, leaves us with nobody. Its like a dead end at times, you keep going and going and you reach nowhere. All of sudden - end of road. And you feel helpless and hopeless as you never knew or reached your destination. 

It is heartbreaking to see yourself in the mirror, as if you are looking at some stranger. Do you know me? Do I know you? You question yourself. It is like deja vu - you do not really remember how you have become, what you have become. 

Still you live through everyday. You smile, you laugh. You keep rolling. You get tired and angry at yourself. You pinch yourself to snap out of it. Sometimes you succeed, mostly you fail. You cry endlessly as if you have lost a closed one - actually you keep loosing yourself. Even If it gets worse, YOU still keep breathing. 

Life is hard, keep trying harder.                 

... Depression and Soi ...

বিষণ্ণতায় ভোগা ব্যাপারটা আমার কাছে প্যান্ডোরার বাক্সের মত। মানে সামনেই বা হাতে নিয়ে বসে আছি...দেখছি ভেতরে কি থাকতে পারে তাও আন্দাজ আছে কিন্তু খুলতে পারি না। বছরের পর বছর একটাই বাক্স নিয়ে পড়ে থাকি যখন তখন। ১-২-৩ দিন। অন্ধকার আর আমি, শুন্যতা আর আমি, মনে হয় এরপর জীবনের আর কিছু নাই। জীবনের শেষ বিন্দুতে দাড়িয়ে আছি।

নিজেকে নিয়ে অসহায় ফিল করবার যে কি প্যারা তা এসময় বোঝা যায়। নিজের সাথে নিজের দ্বন্দ্ব চলে, এট্যাক - কাউন্টার এট্যাক ... আইডেন্টটিটি ক্রাইসিস এ ভুগি খুব।

আমি আমার হারানো সেই সইকে নিয়ে খুব কষ্ট পাই তখন, সেই সই যে সবকিছু করতে পারতো ... সব মানে তার কাছে ইমপসিবল বলে কিছু ছিল না, তার কাছে এত মায়া ছিল না, পিছুটান ছিল না...ত চিন্তা ছিল না। ও শুধু করে ফেলতো আর জীবন ছুটে চলতো...সি কুড সারভাইভ উইথ অর উইথআউট এনিথিং।

মানসিক বিষন্নতার মধ্যে দিয়ে যাওয়ার সময় আমার শারীরিক আলস্য কাজ করে খুব। মনে হয় সারাদিন বিছানায় থাকব, বা একভাবে বসে থাকব। শরীর ম্যাজ-ম্যাজানি, জয়েন্টে ব্যাথা... আলো সহ্য হয় না। খিদা লাগে না...সিগারেটটাও মনে হয় অসহ্য। মানে নিঃশ্বাস নেওয়াটাই পেইন তখন। মাথার উপর মনে হয় একচিলতে কালো মেঘ ঝুলছে সবটাসময়।

কন্সটেন্টলি বুক ভেঙে যেতে থাকার ফিলিং, ভেতরটাকে কিছু একটার খেয়ে নেওয়ার ফিলিং :S এবং ইউ কান্ট জাস্ট স্টপ ইট!

কে আমি? কেন আজকের অবস্থানে আমি? কি চেয়েছিলাম, যা পাচ্ছি তাই? মানে এই ধরনের প্রশ্ন হুদাই আজাইরা মাথায় বাড়ি মারবে আর আমি পড়ে যেতে থাকি ইন টু দিস ব্ল্যাক হোল ... মানে আমার অতীত, বর্তমান বা ভবিষতের মধ্যে আমি কোন ডিফার করতে পারি না।

নিজের পরিচয় বা পরিচিতি সবকিছু নিয়েই যখন সংশয় তখন কিছু একটা খুজে পাওয়া যায় যা নষ্ট হয়নি, শেষ হইয়ে যায়নি। সেইটা কোন স্মৃতি বা কোন পারসোনালীটি ট্রেইট বা কিছু একটা হলেও হতে পারে - আমি ঠিক বুঝতে পারি না -মানে সেই প্যান্ডোরার বাক্সের মত। কিন্তু ফিল করতে শুরু করি আর নিজে নিজেকে টানতে থাকি ... রোজ দিন আমি চিৎকার করি কিন্তু তার প্রতিধ্বনি শুনা যায় না। খালি হতে হতে ভেতরটা শামুকের খোলস হয়ে যায় কিন্তু এর পরে এতে কি আসবে জানি না।

এমনটা আমার সাথে আগেও হয়েছে। আমি আমার জীবনের এক বিরতির মধ্যে বসবাস করছি। আমি কাজ ছেড়েছি, অনেক মানুষের সাথে মেলামেশা ছেড়েছি ... কথা বন্ধ করেছি ... আমি এখন হাতে গোনা কিছু মানুষের সাথে কথা বলি। যাও বা বলি তাও খুব ইনকনসিস্টেন্ট। কাছের মানুষদের সাথে কথা বলতেই হয় আদারওয়াইজ অস্তিত্তটুকু হারিয়ে ফেলব। ডিপ্রেশন এর সময় একলা থাকাটা খুব মারাত্মক বিশেষ করে যদি পাস্ট হিস্টরিতে ঘন ঘন সুইসাইডাল এটেম্পট থাকে। আমার কেস হিস্ট্রি একটাই এটেম্পট বহন করছে আর এখন তেমন তিব্র সুইসাইডাল টেন্ডেন্সি কাজ করে না। উলটা নিজের মৃত্যুভাবনায় নিজে কেদে ফেলি - কারন ডিপ্রেশনে আমার অন্যতম উপলব্ধি আমি মরে গেলে কেউ আমার জন্য কাঁদবে না বেশিদিন- ওই কুলখানি পর্যন্তই তারপর যার যার জীবন আবার তার তার। আব্বাকে মিস করি এসময় - কারন আমি জানি আব্বা থাকলে আব্বা সারাজীবন আমাকে স্মৃতিতে, অনুভূতিতে বাঁচিয়ে রাখতো ... যেমন দাদীর ছোট ছোট ব্যাপারগুলা আব্বা কি পরম আগ্রহে আর আদরে আমাদের বলতো আর দুঃখ করতো।

শেষ এমনটা হয়েছিল সেই ২০১১ তে। তখন খুব কম সময় ছিল ব্যপারটা ৫-৬ মাস এর মত। এবার ২০১৬ তে এসে ৮ মাস পেরিয়ে ৯ মাস চলছে।

সো ফার আমার ৩০ বছর জীবনের সবচেয়ে বড় ব্রেক বা বিরতির মধ্যে দিয়ে যাচ্ছি... এক অসীম শুন্য সময় - রোজ আমি নিজেকে নিয়ে ভাবছি ... বুঝার চেষ্টা করছি। সেলফ গ্রোথ আর নিজেকে নতুনভাবে ঢেলে সাজানোর জন্য ভেবেছিলাম একটু ছুটিতে যাব। কিন্তু আরাম করবার আগেই পড়ে গেলাম বিশাল এক অন্ধকূপে। নিজেকে নিজে দেখি না এত অন্ধকার। দম আটকে আসে মাঝে মাঝে কিন্তু তাও বলি এইতো আর একটু। এখনই শেষ হয়ে যাবে। জানি না আর কতদিন থাকব এইভাবে ... কিন্তু আমি অপেক্ষা করছি। হয়তো আবার আরেকবার নিজেকে নতুনভাবে গড়ে নিতে পারব। নতুন স্বপ্ন, নতুন উদ্দেশ্য, নতুন কিছু পাওয়ার বা করবার ইচ্ছা পেয়ে যাব। ১মাস হতে পারে , ১০ মাস হতে পারে বা আরও ১ বছর বা বেশি লাগতে পারে - আমি আসলে জানি না ... জানতেও চাই না... আমি শুধু জানি আমার এই জাদূর বাক্স হয় খুলে যাবে বা আমি কিছুদিনের জন্যে একে হারিয়ে ফেলব। আবার আমি উঠে দাড়াব..আবার তৈরি হব পরবর্তী বিরতির জন্য।

আমরা যারা ক্রনিক ডিপ্রেশনে ভুগি - আমাদের জীবনে এই পরিস্থিতি বার বার ঘুরে ফিরে আসবেই ... আমরা একে কন্ট্রল করতে পারি, কম বেশি করতে পারি...কিন্তু একবারেই শিকড় গুঁড়িয়ে ফেলতে পারা সম্ভব নয়। কাজেই হাল ছেড়ে দিবেন না ... আর একটু, একটু অপেক্ষা করুন.. এ যাত্রায় রক্ষা পেয়ে যাবেন ... কষ্ট হচ্ছে হয় জানি ... কিন্তু এইটুকু পার হতে পারলেই আপনি পাবেন নতুন দিনের নতুন আলো ...

যতদিন আছে নিঃশ্বাস করিতে হইবে প্রানেরও আঁশ ...

Don't stop breathing People. Don't stop breathing Soi.

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... Things i also want to tell my daughter ...

1. When her boyfriend sticks his tongue down your throat, do not kiss back. Push him away, then swallow down the bile that’s threatening to spill out of your soft lips. Take off, run, and never look back. Some boys like to play dangerous games; but darling, you are not a toy.

2. The boy next door with the tanned skin and earthy brown eyes will whisper beautiful things to you. Sad things, loving things, things that will make blood rush to your cheeks in raging streams. Don’t believe the words that tumble out of his mouth baby; most people never really mean what they say. But that’s life, and it’ll be okay.

3. Be strong, be bold, be unafraid of the world and all the people in it. Always, always speak your mind and pounce to action when injustice creeps up on you. Challenge him when he questions you, hurl facts and opinions like darts until he recedes with shame. Whenever you feel rage and anger spreading like wildfire through your heart, speak up. Your words matter. You matter.

4. You are beautiful. You have always been beautiful, and you need to believe that you are. Even if the magazines don’t appreciate your wide hips or your glowing brown skin; dark and soft like honey, learn how to love yourself. This body is the only home you’ll have in this lifetime, so my darling, learn how to embrace every scar, freckle and mole. You are made out of the same atoms that formed Frida Kahlo and Picasso. You are art and you need to have faith in that.

5. It’s okay to eat dinner on your own. Or lunch. Or breakfast for that matter. There is no shame in solitude. Go to a quaint cafe; and observe the sights and sounds around you. Take note of the smell of fresh coffee hanging hot and heavy in the air. You are by yourself and free to be who you really are.  It is a lovely feeling. Revel in it, my love. When you finally leave, you will realize that you’ve just learned how to be okay on your own.

6. If someday you wake up and start to see the world in grey, please, please come to me first. I will hold you and we’ll take a long drive to nowhere with your favorite mix-tape playing in the car. I will remind you that the only way out is through, and that the demons in your mind are most definitely not stronger than you. I will tell you how much this world needs you so it can heal, how staying alive is a much better deal. I will tell you that I love you, then kiss your forehead, and promise to do everything I can, until your universe stops playing out in shades of blue.

Six Valuable Things I will Tell My Daughter Before She Grows Into a Woman from ArtParasites by Thushena Ganesh

Link : http://www.artparasites.com/six-valuable-things-i-will-tell-my-daughter-before-she-grows-into-a-woman/  

Don’t fall in love with me

Don’t fall in love with me.
There are days when I get sad without a reason and I just stare at the ceiling with tears streaming down my face.
Don’t fall in love with me.
On those days, I don’t talk to anyone. I just bury myself in my bed and think about how I became this mess of sadness.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I will become attached to you and I will cry myself to sleep if you don’t text me good night before you go to sleep and I will convince myself that it’s because you got tired of me.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m too much. I will depend on you. I need attention, much more than other people. I’ll talk to you in metaphors and make you one. I’ll write poems about you and opening up my skin at 2 A.M.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I couldn’t stand you coming home to find me on the bathroom floor shaking and crying, with blood spilling from my wrists. I couldn’t stand seeing the disappointment in your eyes.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I will pour everything I’ve left of me into you, every bit of love, until I have nothing to give. Until I become completely empty.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m scared that my sadness is contagious.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I will replay your sweet words in my head when I hate myself so much that I want to die. Your words will be the only thing that make me stay.
Don’t fall in love with me.
You will live in fear. You won’t be able to leave me, because you’d know if you did, I wouldn’t have anything to live for.
Don’t fall in love with me.
Before I met you, there wasn’t a single person who could’ve made me stay. You’re my reason now.
Don’t fall in love with me.
Because I will fall in love with you.

- by (yet) unknown writer

What Is Love ?

love is every morning when i wake up thinking i am next to him and i feel profoundly safe. 
love is every kiss i put on him and i feel i am close to life - to earth. 
love is every time i land in his arms and i feel i am home. 
love is every day i go to work and i wish to see him when i finish. love is every meal that i have and reminds me whether he has eaten or not. 
love is when i get angry and sad - and i feel i will not talk to him but then i end up touching him slowly in tears and in pain. 
love is when i can't stop telling him how my day was. 
love is when i wear something and wish him to tell me i look good. 
love is when i hope he would call me and tell me he misses me. 
love is each time he smiles at me and i get loads of butterflies in my stomach. 
love is every love story which reminds me of ours. 
love is any breaking point when i loose myself, i feel weak and lonely. 
love is any boiling point when i feel extremely heated up wanting to be with him in every possible way i can. 
love is what i feel for his friends and family - pure and honest; whether i like them or not. Yet how they have become part of my life.
love is how we don't agree and even when we disagree we remain partners- in wellness and in sickness, in harmony and in chaos. 
love is what makes me cry and laugh to think and not to think. 
love is when i love him and he loves me. 
love is beyond signs on a piece of paper or approval from elders. 
love is everything that makes me feel, sense, to understand, not to understand, numbly dumb, dominantly stupid; loudly active, prominently sad;love is when We Love, in goodness and in badness.

“The letter had been crumpled up and tossed onto the grate. It had burned all around the edges, so the names at the top and bottom had gone up in smoke. But there was enough of the bold black scrawl to reveal that it had indeed been a love letter. And as Hannah read the singed and half-destroyed parchment, she was forced to turn away to hide the trembling of her hand.

—should warn you that this letter will not be eloquent. However, it will be sincere, especially in light of the fact that you will never read it. I have felt these words like a weight in my chest, until I find myself amazed that a heart can go on beating under such a burden.

I love you. I love you desperately, violently, tenderly, completely. I want you in ways that I know you would find shocking. My love, you don't belong with a man like me. In the past I've done things you wouldn't approve of, and I've done them ten times over. I have led a life of immoderate sin. As it turns out, I'm just as immoderate in love. Worse, in fact.

I want to kiss every soft place of you, make you blush and faint, pleasure you until you weep, and dry every tear with my lips. If you only knew how I crave the taste of you. I want to take you in my hands and mouth and feast on you. I want to drink wine and honey from you.

I want you under me. On your back.I want to talk with you forever. I want to remember every word you've ever said to me.


If only I could visit you as a foreigner goes into a new country, learn the language of you, wander past all borders into every private and secret place, I would stay forever. I would become a citizen of you.

You would say it's too soon to feel this way. You would ask how I could be so certain. But some things can't be measured by time. Ask me an hour from now. Ask me a month from now. A year, ten years, a lifetime. The way I love you will outlast every calendar, clock, and every toll of every bell that will ever be cast. If only you—

And there it stopped.”

― Lisa Kleypas, A Wallflower Christmas

To let go is to forgive, the moment you can forgive who or what or why or how - you are ready to let go - to start over!

We often get hurt by people, their lies, their attitudes, their simple tiny misconceptions regarding us. it feels sad to see people we cherish the most, are so radical in making us feel down on ourselves. 

Such times you feel angry, you feel stupid, you scream, you explain over and over or you naturally get inside a shell - crying on your own. Some wounds are forever. Some are too bad to hold onto. As time passes by - we learn to deal with those hurts, we pretend we are over those, even we actually manage to get over at times as well.

But do we really forgive those people? do we forget those moments?

Rather we change ourselves, make ourselves stronger and stronger, hard to access, emotionally unavailable for that particular person or group of people. if someone hurts you - that happens for 2 reason in my observation. Either you give them the access or they are complete assholes. Well, both ways you are the one who's in pain! 

Furthermore, though it's always a temporary situation but it f'cking tears you apart even if its for a moment. so what??? yeap that's the magical 2 words - my trick to overcome hurtful situations. 

Every single time I get hurt by someone close or distant, i look at myself - hate my crying face and shout out inside "So WhaT?" 

I mean my heart is not only for bouncing and dancing - its also for aching and pouncing sorrows duh! Am i being too generous ? No, Soi is hardly generous towards people who hurts her. when i ask and find out it doesn't stop me from daily life functioning, whew i am blessed. why it doesn't ? because i got other stuff to take care of. My maa, my job, my friends, myself wow. And slowly bit by bit I brighten up. 

Life is full of uncertain possibilities and too short to waste over people who are not worth your tears, your heartbreaks, your time to act sad and dark. 

Whenever someone leaves you rather then counting what you are loosing - count what you are left with afterwards. 

Whenever someone makes a messy comment on your being, rather then sobbing over the criticism, smile at the amount of concern you managed to create at the 1st place. 

Whenever you feel hurt and the whole world starts to shake up in your vision, close your eyes and remember the faces, repeat the faiths that made you whatever you are already. 

People supposedly are to hurt people. You must be thinking that this girl is crazy and too strong to say all these. Trust me - i am as weak, emotional and stupid as you are. Even I have pretty hard times in letting go of people, of moments, of memories. For me to let go is to forgive. And i do forgive people the moment i find the definite answer to So what! 

Life is not easy. C'mon who said it would be? its supposed to be twisted, complicated and requires great deal of effort from each of us in our respective ways. More or less, we all do have to survive, whether we like it or not.

Being hurt doesn't make you a looser - rather it proves you have got a heart and it beats to every beat it recognizes.
Don't just quit because you dint match up to some other persons standard of life.
Quit only when it makes you conflict with your own standard of living.
Change for yourself - be stronger to survive for yourself - not because someone else told you, you are imperfect.
And if you are as much as in love with own self as i am - don't bother about being sad.
Just don't make it your 24/7 routine.
Laugh when you want to. Cry when you feel like.
It proves you are a human, a normal one.

Forgive when you know, you are better then holding grudges and making a fuss.
Let go of the unnecessary pains in you life, to your soul - your soul is what you should survive for.

Give it your full-length of care - unless death persists, your soul will never betray you. 

... Being Regular ...

Writing ...

Well i do call myself a creative writer which is semi-true - i write academic papers for my masters - i write official required papers for my professional outputs - i post severe emotional Facebook statuses for my friends and public followers - i even write up my opinions on different issues both important and non-important one's ... but the habit of writing freely for just nothing has left me in past few years.
I keep coming back to blogger.com - i always decide 'from now on i will be writing at-least once or twice a week about nothing in particular - rather about anything that crosses my mind and i want to talk about. Unfortunately it never happened as per i thought.
I do often write in my mind - yes I do - i think overloaded-ly about stuff and people i see - i don's see. I want to see - i don't want to see. I imagine - i day dream - i conceptualize about things that has happened or never happened to me.
I am very expressive and self-centered in case of my own gut-feelings - good or bad - right or wrong - i say it - some cases without holding much conviction about it. I try not to hurt people at the same time i am too keen to say the honest opinion to them - which rather makes me the evil-being to them mostly. Can't help it ! Actually, i never had the notion of being one self and pretending to be another. I go by moments. I go by odd chances in life. What if tomorrow never comes for me?
I am awkwardly confused about how people terms me - i am not bothered about how good or bad i am to them but i do care whether they are getting me right or wrong. now that's complicated. even if i am being bad i want people to understand that. who wants it? weird me :D
I am loudly soft spoken - bit juggled up between emotions and reality bites. Emotions are something which keep changing shapes in my mind and my life- reality is something which stays static at the end of the day. Having all other variables unchanged or changed - i stick to own way of perceiving things - i do what i feel is necessary to do - though often i do what my heart wants me to do.
I am not a head-person in case of personal life. I am a complete nut-shell in case of dealing with humor and joke. on top of it i am kinda dumb and stupid-some ... but i like myself.
Hey i am kinda self-criticizing myself on the very 1st day of work in Bangladesh after 2 and half straight years. not bad huh!

Life is all about moving on - unless you are dead ! I dont like being stuck - i dont like being settled in one place for a longer period.
Does it mean i lack in having focus? No... i believe i am too unpredictable to be in one situation. I love changes. i love being through changes. I like it when situations change around and we keep on shifting our tracks from one to another. I am worried of being drawn into one direction. I am more comfortable in being driven to different directions. new phases - new experiences. 

Do i lack commitment or stability? what is commitment? to do things with proper concern and till the end of period. I follow it - i stick to the plan till the end - i do my work whatever it is till the very end of completion - its just that i dont take it as in my only job. I feel the urge and thirst for more and more challenges. whats next? whats more worse? whats coming which i dont see? how to bend myself to the outmost? out to push myself out of the boundary each time situation requires it?
what is stability? to be consistent in moving on and on - being in one proper role or position isnt stability for me - to be able to have the same level of dedication towards fighting or coping or dealing with life is stability for me. because life is very uncertain - and its supposed to be like that. you cant say tomorrow you will wake up in the same bed - same place as you did today. if you do - congratulations ! if you don't - don't worry its normal. 

Home - where i belong !what do i have in home? a mother who is constantly nagging and bugging me to be home as early as i can ...
but also the mother for whom my existence matters. who cares whether i am home or not - eaten or not. slept or not. what i am wearing. what i am doing locked inside the room ... yes - that matters more than half of life to me. for this women i have the urge to be someone - something so that she can smile. otherwise i am not a person who wants to go back home - a constant stable point where everything remains unchanged. 

what else? good to be back home ... good to be remain how i am or how i have become. Life is easy - we are complicated. Let's not have pre-occupied ideas of how to do what when and where - because honey the more you will plan the more you will get worked up as not everything goes as in you want ... taking control over life is ok - but destiny awaits and that's pretty much uncontrollable. 

Cheers ! 

Soi 

11:40 am (BD)

... March 7th till July 7th ...

Abba is gone Forever ! 

Its been straight 4 months - and Abba is gone forever (RIP March 7th 2014)... how was he ? how is he now? does he sees us time to time? how did it all happen? Questions arrive to often in mind - answers are so many ... its painful and hard to bear the emptiness - i feel awfully as in a orphan and now i know my relationship with him when he is nomore ...

I came back to Dhaka 2 months ready ... back home - nothing has changed - same old chaos and same old conflicts - newer issues to cry over - i wonder why we don't change thinking about his demise? I look at the mirror and find myself drooling over the mistakes i have done so far ... and i find i stand nowhere ... no one to look up to - no job - no master degree - no friends to cling tight into - to love_life to dwell within ... i find myself completely numb and laying like a stone at times - nothing or noone touches me anymore. Is this what my father intended of me? No. Is this i wanted to become of myself ? Not at all.

At times there are tears rolling over cheeks and i don't know why am i crying - at times there are moments when i feel something is crushing hard on top of my chest and i can't find the thing myself ... at times there are sadness and grief of seeing myself like this and i don't know doing what would heal my soul ... i look at my mother and my sisters and i find enormous level of disappointment - pain - suffering in their lives ... I pray and pray thinking next day would be different - but i cant remember last time i saw them happy all-together. 

I ended my 1.5 year old relationship within a month - just out of hype of being free from prejudices and bindings of pressures over my soul and mind - what was it like? it was a sweet healthy relationship underneath having great mishaps and diseases ... a relationship which had a image of adjustment and torments going over with - as time passes by i realized it was a good feeling not to be in it anymore ... it gave me freedom to analyze over my family issues and understand my stands in them - i was not being lectured or guided or told what to do and what to not - i am once again free to perform my own mistakes and take blame for it - i am free to do my own thinking and not be ashamed of it - though i have been wonderfully well-criticized for my decision to end this relationship out of nowhere but at the end of the day i feel good - atleast less pressured and less burdened with life ... 

All relations aren't like fairy tales and comes with happy ending ! 

There comes relations where you try and try and see your partner pick on you to change and change for betterment - and still it gives you a lot of burden deep down inside making u feel u are worthless and no matter how much u do - the basic roots of being will never change - despite of whether its religious beliefs or social norms - but God has created u in different ways - and you keep taking in and taking in - that feeling of imperfection keeps eating u inside and u loose all the good course to try further - u become shallow and emptier inside - u become greedy for freedom of being - u don't stand on being right or wrong anymore and the bitterness of pressures and ultra-intensive love affair takes out your confidence of being what at the very 1st place of falling in love you were - You just explode !

Its specially easier to explode when you have that space and control over your surrounding where you are actually ... it wasn't pre-planned or anything that i brought in mind from KL - but i guess it happened so fast and accurately because we were in different countries - if i was still in KL - maybe we would still be together - suffocating and making ourselves suffer... looking at the good deeds one cannot pass their lifetime with the other one - atleast he wasn't like that - so i guess i had to turn into someone like him and give it the final ending - am i sorry about it ? no - i am content because it happened finally and I wish him all the best !

What's in another degree ? nothing anymore !

I enrolled for Masters because my father wanted me to do it ... I spent my 2 years in KL because My father wanted me to stay out of Bangladesh - I left Bangladesh because i had a very good reason ... now i regret it all - i ran away because i couldn't face my pain -  Abba helped me ran away because he didn't wanted me to be in pain - but what did i do ? I didn't finish my masters yet - i became unhealthy - more physically vulnerable and i am back into doing nothing - now I can't even ask anyone to let me stay and not ask me to go back ...

Its more like a dead-end now - knowing its a dead-end still have to move further and trust me - its a never-ending journey - taking a U-turn and ending where i started from - too tired of walking on the same path over and over - people say i wanted and did these all by myself - even i say yes i ruined it myself - why ? because i love life and i love for living ! if i start changing tomorrow the same people would blame for being other-way and me will be again taking a U-tern ...  so my understanding of all combines to its all about nothing and still everything and this is actual life ... u laugh u cry - u break down - u build up - more or less - sooner or later we all go with the same phase - i talk about it you don't - so u do criticize me and i adore you for your perfect picture :P 

Moving on is NOT tougher anymore ...

moving on isn't tougher anymore or something to think over and over - its more like a daily routine now - no matter what happens move on - whether its death or new life - move on ... its a failure or achievement move on ... just keep breathing - just keep rolling ur eyelashes and smiling for ownself - because life is very uncertain - and truth is supposed to be harsh - u gotta have all the energy to deal with life and people in it - u can't just sit back and wonder things will be falling into their own places - something u gotta fix yourself - some the Almighty will fix for you - unless its your final moment you gotta roll the dice and play along ... how and why its for you to decide and choose! 

...realizations...

those of us - who desire and dream of working for people - development of this mother earth and correcting the so called unfair norms of human behaviour - for us its like a prayer which we bear inside - we want it so bad that we mostly forget - dealing with humans are the toughest job on earth - as its the humans who neglect own welfare - whether that's physical and mental - people with no literacy of pride and respect - of being and the feeling of meaning something to this earth - no matter how much you speak for them - they will be the one backstabbing you - and the ones you will be fighting ! they will laugh at u like hyenas - still we keep believing people will change - people does - but in the process it takes ur heart apart and with slight fall of hurt - u might become a hyena yourself ... whom to blame?
another scenario you cry - you scream - u feel stupid and sad - because u fight for people and they show u the thumb finger down as in a failure of ur soul - but still the prayer becomes stronger - as you take the journey along the way - keep trusting people - at one moment the backstabbing and back-biting doesn't bother u anymore ... because u know u did what needed to be done - rest becomes history of success or failure - doesn't count...
To those people who back-stabs - no matter how much u disrespect ur own pride - U can never change me from being nice to you ...
To those who endangers others pride and respect - f'ck you in every moment of ur life ... today ur doing it to others - tomorrow time will take a full circle and will kick u back at ur ass ....
Peace !

... another day another fight ...

aww.. yes ... I am still breathing :D today while sleeping for a while I felt I am back in my home and could my mother shouting... well she has a loud voice and back home i used wake up hearing her most days. but no... someone in the dorm corridor was shouting.. sigh i miss u amma ... one of the prettiest ladies i have ever seen :P

Well... here is a sunny day in KL today but the sky is making huge music - meaning the thunder sounds, seems its going to rain soon ... did I ever said that UMA nature made me fell in love with nature actually? Yes... after Cox's ... Its UMA - the place i love the most in the world. I am not much of a traveller or a nature lover - but I adore watching the beauties of trees and bushes and empty roads and highland-marks here... Staring at the empty environment full of greenery makes me go green LOL..

aah... its our Bengali New Year next week and we the Bengali students are hosting a event on the night of 13th :D :D and I am going to sing with my tune-less dramatic horrible voice in it... being a foreigner is a blessing at times .. no-matter how bad i perform I will wont be cursed ! more I will get sympathy and as most wont understand what we will be singing so less critics ! ahahaha... OK... I have got a class to catch in 2 hours.. I just finished up my one-entire week vacation and I am feeling like I don't want to go. I sleep alot less than I used to in BD... maybe max 4-6hours normally and sometimes by miracle 8hours max. at-least once a week. I believe when I will go back to BD in my vacation i will first sleep a whole week 12-16 hours and then do other works... oh no... its raining ... gosh ! I hate carrying the umbrella!!! huh! So, as I am unwillingly on my way to spend the rest of the days with my class or whatever - I wish all a very good day and May Allah bless us with safety ... p.s - life isn't always that we want it to be...its upto us whether we can be the way life requires us to be .. Cheers!

....I am done with Life...

In next 16 days i am going to 25...i know it will make me look mature and aged enough to be a grown-up. i never wanted to live long...in my childhood..i wasn't afraid of living long...i just never had the vision of living long and becoming something very famous or being ambitious..i was a normal kid i believe...very shy and polite and sober i guess. as time passed by i kept on changing my inner-skin to heart and soul... and in 10years if span i became such a tiny animal of a kind...who feared living and also at the time loved it more than anything.

people changes due to course of time ... depending on environmental, social, economical, personal etc. variables around them plus happening to them. i changed according to the mistakes i conducted and misdeeds i counted in people. i grew up in a family where being happy is like monsoon weather...appears 3-4 months a year. yes... unforgettably each year was more or less similar. parents fighting, sisters making the family headlines, i being more n more into the inside-home shell. i did open up n grew up into a fine-outspoken angel to the outer world...but at home i became more more to myself. i always felt the necessity to hug someone and cry endlessly but i never had or nor i have today someone who can hold me up that tight.

its a tough feeling...strange maybe...but its true. i am that much lonely in my life. i have got fortunately bunch of good people as in my best buddies and still none of them are that someone. maybe i never tried or saw whether its possible or not. i think as time passed by and i became this different inner-soul inside i kinda lost that feeling of necessity. peculiar me!

as i was saying i never thought of having a long life. now i do pray that may i never live longer. i am done with all i could be in life. i know there are so many things and places and people and feelings and love is still left to endure-experience-adventure ... but still i feel no passion. i feel no breath. i feel terribly-deeply dissatisfied and done with everything. i feel such bitterness in myself an i often do think i was born as in a human as in a mistake. pardon me - Allah... but its true. i am a human born with a tiny head and heart which doesn't partake such small amount of guilt-sorrow-tear in life. and to prove my-own-self wrong i don't feel any necessity either.

i wonder as time passed by why do necessities keep on vanishing from my head? i think of suicides often and trust me that seems the easiest short-cut to hell. i know when i'll be in hell i will be complaining as same as i am doing right now. but i wont be able to figure out any short-cut from there. and my soul and heart wont be treated or act as in a human anymore. i mostly feel i am stuck in this world and i feel no shame in saying that i am a failure.

I am talking shit cause i am a shit...worthless...who doesn't want to take care of own-self. definitely i wasn't and won't be able to take care of any other soul.

i am going to turn 25 and already it seems to much for me. i am tired of my birth..my own smell...my own breathing, my own concepts and lies to own-self... that at the end it all will come round.

i am planning...yes planning to dispatch my soul some other place. when and how not fixed yet. but the necessity is rising high. and one thing i learned the most in life when something is needed in life...fulfill it as soon as possible since the necessity might run out. LoL. Adios..