What Is Love ?

love is every morning when i wake up thinking i am next to him and i feel profoundly safe. 
love is every kiss i put on him and i feel i am close to life - to earth. 
love is every time i land in his arms and i feel i am home. 
love is every day i go to work and i wish to see him when i finish. love is every meal that i have and reminds me whether he has eaten or not. 
love is when i get angry and sad - and i feel i will not talk to him but then i end up touching him slowly in tears and in pain. 
love is when i can't stop telling him how my day was. 
love is when i wear something and wish him to tell me i look good. 
love is when i hope he would call me and tell me he misses me. 
love is each time he smiles at me and i get loads of butterflies in my stomach. 
love is every love story which reminds me of ours. 
love is any breaking point when i loose myself, i feel weak and lonely. 
love is any boiling point when i feel extremely heated up wanting to be with him in every possible way i can. 
love is what i feel for his friends and family - pure and honest; whether i like them or not. Yet how they have become part of my life.
love is how we don't agree and even when we disagree we remain partners- in wellness and in sickness, in harmony and in chaos. 
love is what makes me cry and laugh to think and not to think. 
love is when i love him and he loves me. 
love is beyond signs on a piece of paper or approval from elders. 
love is everything that makes me feel, sense, to understand, not to understand, numbly dumb, dominantly stupid; loudly active, prominently sad;love is when We Love, in goodness and in badness.

... March 7th till July 7th ...

Abba is gone Forever ! 

Its been straight 4 months - and Abba is gone forever (RIP March 7th 2014)... how was he ? how is he now? does he sees us time to time? how did it all happen? Questions arrive to often in mind - answers are so many ... its painful and hard to bear the emptiness - i feel awfully as in a orphan and now i know my relationship with him when he is nomore ...

I came back to Dhaka 2 months ready ... back home - nothing has changed - same old chaos and same old conflicts - newer issues to cry over - i wonder why we don't change thinking about his demise? I look at the mirror and find myself drooling over the mistakes i have done so far ... and i find i stand nowhere ... no one to look up to - no job - no master degree - no friends to cling tight into - to love_life to dwell within ... i find myself completely numb and laying like a stone at times - nothing or noone touches me anymore. Is this what my father intended of me? No. Is this i wanted to become of myself ? Not at all.

At times there are tears rolling over cheeks and i don't know why am i crying - at times there are moments when i feel something is crushing hard on top of my chest and i can't find the thing myself ... at times there are sadness and grief of seeing myself like this and i don't know doing what would heal my soul ... i look at my mother and my sisters and i find enormous level of disappointment - pain - suffering in their lives ... I pray and pray thinking next day would be different - but i cant remember last time i saw them happy all-together. 

I ended my 1.5 year old relationship within a month - just out of hype of being free from prejudices and bindings of pressures over my soul and mind - what was it like? it was a sweet healthy relationship underneath having great mishaps and diseases ... a relationship which had a image of adjustment and torments going over with - as time passes by i realized it was a good feeling not to be in it anymore ... it gave me freedom to analyze over my family issues and understand my stands in them - i was not being lectured or guided or told what to do and what to not - i am once again free to perform my own mistakes and take blame for it - i am free to do my own thinking and not be ashamed of it - though i have been wonderfully well-criticized for my decision to end this relationship out of nowhere but at the end of the day i feel good - atleast less pressured and less burdened with life ... 

All relations aren't like fairy tales and comes with happy ending ! 

There comes relations where you try and try and see your partner pick on you to change and change for betterment - and still it gives you a lot of burden deep down inside making u feel u are worthless and no matter how much u do - the basic roots of being will never change - despite of whether its religious beliefs or social norms - but God has created u in different ways - and you keep taking in and taking in - that feeling of imperfection keeps eating u inside and u loose all the good course to try further - u become shallow and emptier inside - u become greedy for freedom of being - u don't stand on being right or wrong anymore and the bitterness of pressures and ultra-intensive love affair takes out your confidence of being what at the very 1st place of falling in love you were - You just explode !

Its specially easier to explode when you have that space and control over your surrounding where you are actually ... it wasn't pre-planned or anything that i brought in mind from KL - but i guess it happened so fast and accurately because we were in different countries - if i was still in KL - maybe we would still be together - suffocating and making ourselves suffer... looking at the good deeds one cannot pass their lifetime with the other one - atleast he wasn't like that - so i guess i had to turn into someone like him and give it the final ending - am i sorry about it ? no - i am content because it happened finally and I wish him all the best !

What's in another degree ? nothing anymore !

I enrolled for Masters because my father wanted me to do it ... I spent my 2 years in KL because My father wanted me to stay out of Bangladesh - I left Bangladesh because i had a very good reason ... now i regret it all - i ran away because i couldn't face my pain -  Abba helped me ran away because he didn't wanted me to be in pain - but what did i do ? I didn't finish my masters yet - i became unhealthy - more physically vulnerable and i am back into doing nothing - now I can't even ask anyone to let me stay and not ask me to go back ...

Its more like a dead-end now - knowing its a dead-end still have to move further and trust me - its a never-ending journey - taking a U-turn and ending where i started from - too tired of walking on the same path over and over - people say i wanted and did these all by myself - even i say yes i ruined it myself - why ? because i love life and i love for living ! if i start changing tomorrow the same people would blame for being other-way and me will be again taking a U-tern ...  so my understanding of all combines to its all about nothing and still everything and this is actual life ... u laugh u cry - u break down - u build up - more or less - sooner or later we all go with the same phase - i talk about it you don't - so u do criticize me and i adore you for your perfect picture :P 

Moving on is NOT tougher anymore ...

moving on isn't tougher anymore or something to think over and over - its more like a daily routine now - no matter what happens move on - whether its death or new life - move on ... its a failure or achievement move on ... just keep breathing - just keep rolling ur eyelashes and smiling for ownself - because life is very uncertain - and truth is supposed to be harsh - u gotta have all the energy to deal with life and people in it - u can't just sit back and wonder things will be falling into their own places - something u gotta fix yourself - some the Almighty will fix for you - unless its your final moment you gotta roll the dice and play along ... how and why its for you to decide and choose! 

...realizations...

those of us - who desire and dream of working for people - development of this mother earth and correcting the so called unfair norms of human behaviour - for us its like a prayer which we bear inside - we want it so bad that we mostly forget - dealing with humans are the toughest job on earth - as its the humans who neglect own welfare - whether that's physical and mental - people with no literacy of pride and respect - of being and the feeling of meaning something to this earth - no matter how much you speak for them - they will be the one backstabbing you - and the ones you will be fighting ! they will laugh at u like hyenas - still we keep believing people will change - people does - but in the process it takes ur heart apart and with slight fall of hurt - u might become a hyena yourself ... whom to blame?
another scenario you cry - you scream - u feel stupid and sad - because u fight for people and they show u the thumb finger down as in a failure of ur soul - but still the prayer becomes stronger - as you take the journey along the way - keep trusting people - at one moment the backstabbing and back-biting doesn't bother u anymore ... because u know u did what needed to be done - rest becomes history of success or failure - doesn't count...
To those people who back-stabs - no matter how much u disrespect ur own pride - U can never change me from being nice to you ...
To those who endangers others pride and respect - f'ck you in every moment of ur life ... today ur doing it to others - tomorrow time will take a full circle and will kick u back at ur ass ....
Peace !

... another day another fight ...

aww.. yes ... I am still breathing :D today while sleeping for a while I felt I am back in my home and could my mother shouting... well she has a loud voice and back home i used wake up hearing her most days. but no... someone in the dorm corridor was shouting.. sigh i miss u amma ... one of the prettiest ladies i have ever seen :P

Well... here is a sunny day in KL today but the sky is making huge music - meaning the thunder sounds, seems its going to rain soon ... did I ever said that UMA nature made me fell in love with nature actually? Yes... after Cox's ... Its UMA - the place i love the most in the world. I am not much of a traveller or a nature lover - but I adore watching the beauties of trees and bushes and empty roads and highland-marks here... Staring at the empty environment full of greenery makes me go green LOL..

aah... its our Bengali New Year next week and we the Bengali students are hosting a event on the night of 13th :D :D and I am going to sing with my tune-less dramatic horrible voice in it... being a foreigner is a blessing at times .. no-matter how bad i perform I will wont be cursed ! more I will get sympathy and as most wont understand what we will be singing so less critics ! ahahaha... OK... I have got a class to catch in 2 hours.. I just finished up my one-entire week vacation and I am feeling like I don't want to go. I sleep alot less than I used to in BD... maybe max 4-6hours normally and sometimes by miracle 8hours max. at-least once a week. I believe when I will go back to BD in my vacation i will first sleep a whole week 12-16 hours and then do other works... oh no... its raining ... gosh ! I hate carrying the umbrella!!! huh! So, as I am unwillingly on my way to spend the rest of the days with my class or whatever - I wish all a very good day and May Allah bless us with safety ... p.s - life isn't always that we want it to be...its upto us whether we can be the way life requires us to be .. Cheers!

Officialy Once agaiN I am singLe...

but 1st time in life not ready to mingLe... lol .. after-all whatever happens ... happens for good.. lately i felt its better to stay alone ... than to be with someone and still feel lonely ... and it made me terrible to force someone to keep loving me...and my ultimate realization is LoVe isnt about being together all the time ...it also means being apart and still praying for the betterment of the person we love... tada ! Soi Is Acting Like a Grown-UP .. congratulations Soi ! Ok... I am back after so many months... let me give some info on myself ... weLL ... I am currently in Kuala-Lumpur .. doing my masters in Development Studies ... exact 2 months away from Bangladesh .. I am content .. had rough pitches lately .. and Yes Hell Yea I am moving On...

By now You know .. I am a contradictory person with my emotional-vague-obsessed self-deduction ! I am 25+ and I sometimes still manage to act like sweet 16...lol I am crazy and my own Favorited-selfish BraT! I miss my country-friends-family more than ever .. and life here in KL isnt worse ... I mean yea its bad at times .. But I am learning to stick to it as time is passing by.

Life here is nothing like Bangladesh ... sometimes i feel as if i am some kinda alien here ... sometimes others are to me. But life is always moving on .. on and on ... Now when I did i fell in love again?? just a month ... as I am a universal lover ... and i Love being in Love .. it just happened.. let me tell you - when you love someone - never expect that they will love you the same way you do.. its all about being patient .. attraction .. trust .. compromises and understanding ...

 as just in a month he has made me forgotten about my mistakes..scars..past memories which used to haunt me down to hell .. and as far as his concern ... doesn't matter what i feel... strange huh?? Einsteinian statement refers to if you don't believe in mysteries or magic's that means you aint alive ... I have always gone to Love .. but this time love came to me.. and it faded itself from the other person .. and forcing someone to be in love with you - aah no - that's something Soi is never comfortable with .. but I did that !!!because Love sets you free .. when in need .. it shows you how compassionately you can love someone and at the same time you cant have him .. so I guess Once more as always - Allah Is Doing What is right for ME... what else??? I have decided to be regularly writing from now on ... though i cant write but i will honestly give it another try... why ??? because I want to .. duh ! lol.. Its never too late to accept own lacking... minding own limitations and still be happy about what we are ... cheers!