....I am done with Life...

In next 16 days i am going to 25...i know it will make me look mature and aged enough to be a grown-up. i never wanted to live long...in my childhood..i wasn't afraid of living long...i just never had the vision of living long and becoming something very famous or being ambitious..i was a normal kid i believe...very shy and polite and sober i guess. as time passed by i kept on changing my inner-skin to heart and soul... and in 10years if span i became such a tiny animal of a kind...who feared living and also at the time loved it more than anything.

people changes due to course of time ... depending on environmental, social, economical, personal etc. variables around them plus happening to them. i changed according to the mistakes i conducted and misdeeds i counted in people. i grew up in a family where being happy is like monsoon weather...appears 3-4 months a year. yes... unforgettably each year was more or less similar. parents fighting, sisters making the family headlines, i being more n more into the inside-home shell. i did open up n grew up into a fine-outspoken angel to the outer world...but at home i became more more to myself. i always felt the necessity to hug someone and cry endlessly but i never had or nor i have today someone who can hold me up that tight.

its a tough feeling...strange maybe...but its true. i am that much lonely in my life. i have got fortunately bunch of good people as in my best buddies and still none of them are that someone. maybe i never tried or saw whether its possible or not. i think as time passed by and i became this different inner-soul inside i kinda lost that feeling of necessity. peculiar me!

as i was saying i never thought of having a long life. now i do pray that may i never live longer. i am done with all i could be in life. i know there are so many things and places and people and feelings and love is still left to endure-experience-adventure ... but still i feel no passion. i feel no breath. i feel terribly-deeply dissatisfied and done with everything. i feel such bitterness in myself an i often do think i was born as in a human as in a mistake. pardon me - Allah... but its true. i am a human born with a tiny head and heart which doesn't partake such small amount of guilt-sorrow-tear in life. and to prove my-own-self wrong i don't feel any necessity either.

i wonder as time passed by why do necessities keep on vanishing from my head? i think of suicides often and trust me that seems the easiest short-cut to hell. i know when i'll be in hell i will be complaining as same as i am doing right now. but i wont be able to figure out any short-cut from there. and my soul and heart wont be treated or act as in a human anymore. i mostly feel i am stuck in this world and i feel no shame in saying that i am a failure.

I am talking shit cause i am a shit...worthless...who doesn't want to take care of own-self. definitely i wasn't and won't be able to take care of any other soul.

i am going to turn 25 and already it seems to much for me. i am tired of my birth..my own smell...my own breathing, my own concepts and lies to own-self... that at the end it all will come round.

i am planning...yes planning to dispatch my soul some other place. when and how not fixed yet. but the necessity is rising high. and one thing i learned the most in life when something is needed in life...fulfill it as soon as possible since the necessity might run out. LoL. Adios..

92 things

Name: Soi Neyamat
Age: 24

Birthdate: October 4th
Present address: Dhaka



WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. last beverage = umm..chocolet milk

2. last phone call = dont remember

3. last text message = Last 6hr no network in ma cell
4. last song you listened to = Charecter Dheela from Ready(movie)
5. last time you cried = last Fazr prayer i said...

HAVE YOU EVER :

6. dated someone twice = yes
7. been cheated on = yes
8. kissed someone & regretted it = yes

9. lost someone special = yes
10. been depressed = yes
11. been drunk and threw up = yes


LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS :

12. Black
13. Red
14. Blue

LAST YEAR (2010), HAVE YOU :

15. Made a new friend/s = yes
16. Fallen out of love = kinda
17. Laughed until you cried = yes
18. Met someone who changed you = no
19. Found out who your true friends were = yes
20. Found out someone was talking about you= all the time

21. Kissed anyone on your FB friend's list = yeap ma X..bt currently he is outta ma fb list


GENERAL :

22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life = 80%

24. Do you have any pets = no
25. Do you want to change your name = surname - yes
26. What did you do for your last birthday = out wid frnds

27. What time did you wake up today = 8:54 pm lol
28. What were you doing at midnight last night = watching Glee

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = to finish up 40years and die peacefully without any kids or hubbyz

30. Last time you saw your Mother = 4hr ago

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life = my relationships

32. What are you listening to right now = nothing
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? = nop
34. What's getting on your nerves right now = the mobile networks are turned off due to tomorrows strike in the city

37. Nickname = Soi
38. Relationship Status = Happily SingLe..:D:D
39. Zodiac sign = libra
40. He or She = me?? tomboy...lol
41. Elementary = Moghbazar
42. High School = Moghbazar
43. College = Women University
44. Hair color = black and bit brownish shades maybe
45. Long or short = short
46. Height = 5'4 n half
47. Do you have a crush on someone? = hurr
48. What do you like about yourself? = I am honest...I am wise and I am impartial and I am very very ruDe and crazily selfish..:D :D

49. Piercings = ears and nose
50. Tattoos = I wish to get One..someday maybe...

51. Righty or lefty = righty.

FIRSTS :


52. First surgery = ummm...ummmm...:??

53. First piercing =when i was 3-4...:D :D
54. First best friend = a guy called mahtab...i wonder where he is now
55. First sport you joined = never had the body to fit in sports

56. First vacation= kolkata

58. First pair of trainers = dnt remember

RIGHT NOW :

59. Eating = nothing
60. Drinking = water
61. I'm about to = go for a shower

62. Listening to = Yahoo 13
63. Waiting for = nothing...not a single thing


FUTURE :

64. Want kids? = no
65. Get Married?= no
66. Career? = NGO or Embassy

WHICH IS BETTER :

67. Lips or eyes = both :P :P
68. Hugs or kisses= depends on the person...:P :P
69. Shorter or taller = taller
70. Older or Younger = older
71. Romantic or spontaneous = spontaneous.
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = being nice ... no tummy or army preferableness.
73. Sensitive or loud = LOUD

74. Hook-up or relationship = Hook-ups...hehe
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = trouble-maker and prob-solver ...hehe


HAVE YOU EVER :

76. Kissed a stranger = yes
77. Drank hard liquor = yes
78. Lost glasses/contacts = no

80. Broke someone's heart = yes maybe

81. Had your own heart broken = uncountably
82. Been arrested = not yet
83. Turned someone down = yes
84. Cried when someone died = yes
85. Fallen for a friend = all the time!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN :

86. Yourself = more than anything after ALLAH!
87. Miracles = sometimes

88. Love at first sight = happened to me though
89. Heaven = yes
90. Santa Claus = nope

91. Kiss on the first date = maybe
92. Angels = Yep

One of ma fev poems so far....

For I am the first and the last
I am the venerated and the despised
I am the prostitute and the saint
I am the wife and the virgin
I am the mother and the daughter
I am in the arms of my mother
I am barren and my children are many
I am the married woman and the spinster
I am the woman who gives birth and she
who never procreated
I am the wife and the husband
And it was my man who created med
I am mother of my father
I am the sister of my husband
And he is my rejected son
Always respect me
For I am the shameful and the magnificent one
-
Hymn to Isis or third century BC,
discovered in Nag Hammadi
-

...Confession to Sisterhood...

Sisterhood is a strong bondage to bear...gratitude to our mis-fated family..
we are 3 hell-of sisters...we are keen to closwness during our downs and individualistic in our ups in different segments of lifetime journeys..
Thanks to our fabulously inconsiderate parents more or less each of us have seen great deal of life already.
The elder one eventualy is the childish and most creative one in sense of beads, colour, fashion and design clothing.
The middle one is best at everything from brain to beauty, in social-family-working life and mainly the victim of our parents crucial counter-parting selfishness;
and me the last one... most stubborn, careless, aggressive and silent member in the family- mostly drowned in own world and forgetting the rest and only doing what i want almost each moment of my life.

I love my sisters...despite of their dominence and bossing my ass around without any reason, more than my honking parents and that is because i have learned more and earned more from these two siblings than anyone in life.I have always been lucky to be my sisters sharing pal to their secret-keeping girlfriend..i am good in keeping their secrets and guarding those with all faith i treasure.

recently one thing dwells aroung my mind most is...whenever something is wrong or bothering me i have never speak it out into them. it amazes me and kinda also
makes me regret...they have done everything that i could be grateful of and be patient and loving to them but still i cant open myself up to them as they do.
we dint grow up alltogether but there is always some invinsible thread alinging us in the same or more-ever fimilier direction. and at the age of 24, i wonder howcome
at times i want them to just be there and still not let them inside my heart? is it me with some restrictions?

we have been through alot...i envy them for being so strong and practical. i praise them to be beautiful and so lavishingly gorgeous.
i thank them for giving me the best nephew and nieces someone can ever have. i wish them all the good thing in life even it costs my luck.

but talking to them about the issues i wanna talk about dosnt come up my mouth.

as i have decided to take up bloging seriously once again...

I would start writing to for them...

Currently what i have hidden from you is that i did submit my full intern-report lately. So because of that my grade isnt yet published which is resulting my inability to get my temporary certificate and i am being such ignorent. i promise it will take more of a week as i only missed by two letters to university officials lately. I swear ill fix this in no time and please dont ask me or talk to me about it. I know it was a wrong move but i cant help being such careless due to my low-headed stubborness.

I just wanted to confess something to you and this is the only thing that i did hide in recent times.


I am sorry i coudnt be as open as you are to me...

I am sorry at times i become too selfish to take any responsibility...

but i do support you and believe in you more than our parents...

and no metter how low i fall...you...my sister's will always be my sweet-hearts..cause in
true means you both raised me...not those two good-for-nothing person.


p.s - this confession doesnt mean that i am at your service and will do what you ask me to do...
naah...i aint that foolish :D :D ...