... life as it is ...

From the very early period of years of my life i experienced nights of violence and disagreements between my parents .. nights i used to get scared of - i used to cry and i used to pray to pass on as quick as it can (i bet loads of you are familiar with it at-least once in a while) - sometimes i would end up being the stupid girl twisted in between Abba_Amma er shangsharik chaos - mostly shattered ... shut in my room and curse my life!

... Now at the age of 27, I have realized such nights brought along a new morning as-well ... morning of strength ... the faith i bear the most that no bad situation is permanent and no one can make me feel scared unless I want to be ... prayers was and will be answered sooner or later ... time would pass by and I did move on and I keep moving on !

I ain't anymore the scared - shattered - weak girl who would curse own fate nor do i make myself suffer for someone's lack of temperament !

... Being Continued ...

... Earning is HarD ...

Hell Yea ! I tasted the sweat of own earning for real after i came to KL... working is hard and earning is harder - i never knew i could be hardworking - i always thought i am the lazy bump type - talking and not doing type - but the hardships of living and need for money made me go all the way to earn a legitimate earning and get my own bread ! whether the work is small or big - when you know you are doing with the purpose of serving people it indeed is satisfactory. Being friendly and kind to different people - maintaining bondage within cultures - being patience and most of all standing various perceptions brings you under some level of responsibility. I have see both my flaws and attributes while working as in server-hostess... I have experienced great deal of physical challenge and yes it has made me stronger in terms of will of mind.

... Bangladesh ...

We often complain in our country we dont have this - we dont have that - lacking in everywhere - political turmoils - but the feeling of belonging does and can cost more of what we are ready to loose. It feels awful when you have to worry for a place to sleep or a meal to eat. We are mostly ready to go through hell in order to fulfill our basic needs - but in another territory... but in our homeland we complain and complain - we dont want to compromise. I miss my country - the weather - the similar faces - the festive seasons - the language - the food - the being of being - Malaysia has given me a lot though - still Bangladesh is some place i would always want to be - back in Dhaka there were incidents i never took account of - residing here in KL has made me look into them - to see and trying to realize - not to be ignorant - to be thoughtful of own origin. the sense of belonging in Bangladesh has day by day become mere reflection of something being taken away from me - my family is breaking - my friends are changing - but still i bear this hope of getting back in near future - retain my being for maybe fewer days - but to be back in my originality of culture.


... Food ...

Eating can be fun - and i have forgotten that - i eat to survive - i over-eat out of depression and frustration...i skip meals out of anxiety - but i hardly feel good of eating - i feel clumsy and tired of eating at times - and i miss the food back home. Foods are something which makes u feel complete physically - i feel terrible at  times with the fact that i eat out of nothing. I wish to eat out of joy and desire - i do ask to eat out of own will - but a eating habit which doesnt make me satisfied - sigh - i miss eating for health and desire.

... Marriage ...

Well - it seems like a triggering bullet to me - i dont know sometimes i am too comfy thinking of it sometimes just feel too scared of it - still there should be more time to figure out what it exactly is to me :S :S



... To Be Continued ...

... brainstorming thoughts of the present ...

After couple of months break in writing - in past few days - i have been writing on my mind thoughts that i couldn't finish - so i am back with bit of brainstorming issues that i do wonder about these days ... 

# SLEEP ! 

sleep is such a habit which does make me feel tiring - deosnt matter i sleep less or more - i hardly have a fresh feeling and its alarming ! when a person is happy - or maybe atleast satisfaction is there in mind - the sleep is supposed to be pleasurable ... to different people the pursuit of happiness is different - to me mostly its a good sleep ! If i am able to sleep sound and tight - I am content ! sigh - i am back with sleeping problems and it does make me worries often ! i am not into sleeping pills and pills are never a permanent solution to sleeping disorder - my own realization !

# RelationshiP !

being with someone is surely a happy moment - whether its ur father or your boyfriend ... your nieces or or ur friends ... each relation is valuable in terms of passionate devotion ... but at the end of the day - the best relation of all is the relation with ur creator and with urself ... the clarity and purity of own conscience is eventually the key to stay human ... how much of that am i getting? hmm - confusion and dissatisfaction ! 

# silence within soul ! 

i have become reaction-less - i was though before - but now it worries me ... i am observant of things happening around - still my senses have come to this what-so-ever state - where i have become this self-obsessed creature with less to want from the world and others ... self -obsession is nothing new in my case - but being silent is something i am worried about !

# Friends do Change ! 

whether its me or someone else - as time passes by the feelings do change - in negative-ness of miss-communication or from the positivism of betterment for the future - acceptance of the practical enhancement of reality . some do accept that and ignores the changes and pretend being same balancing the conjugational process of life-living-career-ambitions-family extensions-facebook bla bla ! some never accepts it and complains about it - and fails to balance in-between and is left out all alone ! 

# its ok to be faulty and wrong but not worth being called superlative !

i am a person of justified mistakes - well i am not proud of that but i do take pride in it ! when people points at me saying i am this i am that - i should correct and i should stop - i ask myself - why dont i think like that for myself? is it because i lack the level of understanding of right and wrong? is it because i have evil within my soul and a bad person? what am i ? stupid dumb who doesnt want ownself to see happy? whats wrong in being stupid? isnt this what was written in my destiny? i made mistakes and god made me paid for them - and still theres more to pay for - what if i choose that for myself? this does occur into great deal in me ! every coin has 2 faces ... in my opinion every issue has different meaning to explain to explore to conclude.  

to be continued next week !

... the taste of failure ...

how does the failure taste ?? 

would it be suitable to call the current feelings failure or breaking down?

a month ago - i heard from a very pro-active person of my person telling me - I will never succeed in relationships - because i am too self-obsessed ... and ignorant of others feelings ... i am selfish in such manner that nothing or no-one seems to work out with me ... 

when did i said i am not that? i always do admit and accept that I love myself the most ... to me it matters the most on terms of personal relationships - what i can give and can't .. being bold and stubborn has always been my kind of attitude ... and now I do have a attitude problem ... 

because of what its quite easy to leave me because if you cant stand me - even i don't bother. 

I have left home - staying without friends ... life has been quite strange to me - bit happiness is something which never stays longer in my end. i have seen in past few months that i am not worth it to stand ... people often gets it hard to put up with me - and no i don't blame their wits regarding such intolerance. 

i am greedy of the fact that i am what i have become and i don't compromise on the facts of i believe i am made of ... I am bad - dirty - witty - irritatingly impossible - but i am mine ... people talks about pain that i give them - i talk of the insecure-imbalanced present they give me. i am not adorable enough to adore - then why stick to me for the time-being as per your level of tolerance? do i beg you to do so? 

i know i am in-capable of making changes - because i have seen - it takes less then moments to leave me - leaving me has been always easier - as i dont force people to grab me in neither i entitle others to be with me. not every person on earth is given the power to create - to build - to bond ... its my incapabilities - and no i dont hate myself for that.

I always say i am crazy - because that is what i am. 

whatever my previous actions were or how i came so far - i did become such profound egoistic.

failure - another failure - its not nice to hear that i am incapable of relationships.

i don't feel guilty or ashamed - i just don't feel fine inside - it tears me apart - still i wont change myself - because its not worth it - the person who intends to stick - sticks no matter what. 

i am imperfect - and i accept myself as i am ... 

i have lost so many things and people for that ...

i am ready to loose more. 

i know i will. 

still i will be what i will be. 

...realizations...

those of us - who desire and dream of working for people - development of this mother earth and correcting the so called unfair norms of human behaviour - for us its like a prayer which we bear inside - we want it so bad that we mostly forget - dealing with humans are the toughest job on earth - as its the humans who neglect own welfare - whether that's physical and mental - people with no literacy of pride and respect - of being and the feeling of meaning something to this earth - no matter how much you speak for them - they will be the one backstabbing you - and the ones you will be fighting ! they will laugh at u like hyenas - still we keep believing people will change - people does - but in the process it takes ur heart apart and with slight fall of hurt - u might become a hyena yourself ... whom to blame?
another scenario you cry - you scream - u feel stupid and sad - because u fight for people and they show u the thumb finger down as in a failure of ur soul - but still the prayer becomes stronger - as you take the journey along the way - keep trusting people - at one moment the backstabbing and back-biting doesn't bother u anymore ... because u know u did what needed to be done - rest becomes history of success or failure - doesn't count...
To those people who back-stabs - no matter how much u disrespect ur own pride - U can never change me from being nice to you ...
To those who endangers others pride and respect - f'ck you in every moment of ur life ... today ur doing it to others - tomorrow time will take a full circle and will kick u back at ur ass ....
Peace !