Writing ...Well i do call myself a creative writer which is semi-true - i write academic papers for my masters - i write official required papers for my professional outputs - i post severe emotional Facebook statuses for my friends and public followers - i even write up my opinions on different issues both important and non-important one's ... but the habit of writing freely for just nothing has left me in past few years.
I keep coming back to blogger.com - i always decide 'from now on i will be writing at-least once or twice a week about nothing in particular - rather about anything that crosses my mind and i want to talk about. Unfortunately it never happened as per i thought.
I do often write in my mind - yes I do - i think overloaded-ly about stuff and people i see - i don's see. I want to see - i don't want to see. I imagine - i day dream - i conceptualize about things that has happened or never happened to me.
I am very expressive and self-centered in case of my own gut-feelings - good or bad - right or wrong - i say it - some cases without holding much conviction about it. I try not to hurt people at the same time i am too keen to say the honest opinion to them - which rather makes me the evil-being to them mostly. Can't help it ! Actually, i never had the notion of being one self and pretending to be another. I go by moments. I go by odd chances in life. What if tomorrow never comes for me?
I am awkwardly confused about how people terms me - i am not bothered about how good or bad i am to them but i do care whether they are getting me right or wrong. now that's complicated. even if i am being bad i want people to understand that. who wants it? weird me :D
I am loudly soft spoken - bit juggled up between emotions and reality bites. Emotions are something which keep changing shapes in my mind and my life- reality is something which stays static at the end of the day. Having all other variables unchanged or changed - i stick to own way of perceiving things - i do what i feel is necessary to do - though often i do what my heart wants me to do.
I am not a head-person in case of personal life. I am a complete nut-shell in case of dealing with humor and joke. on top of it i am kinda dumb and stupid-some ... but i like myself.
Hey i am kinda self-criticizing myself on the very 1st day of work in Bangladesh after 2 and half straight years. not bad huh!
Life is all about moving on - unless you are dead ! I dont like being stuck - i dont like being settled in one place for a longer period.
Does it mean i lack in having focus? No... i believe i am too unpredictable to be in one situation. I love changes. i love being through changes. I like it when situations change around and we keep on shifting our tracks from one to another. I am worried of being drawn into one direction. I am more comfortable in being driven to different directions. new phases - new experiences.
Do i lack commitment or stability? what is commitment? to do things with proper concern and till the end of period. I follow it - i stick to the plan till the end - i do my work whatever it is till the very end of completion - its just that i dont take it as in my only job. I feel the urge and thirst for more and more challenges. whats next? whats more worse? whats coming which i dont see? how to bend myself to the outmost? out to push myself out of the boundary each time situation requires it?
what is stability? to be consistent in moving on and on - being in one proper role or position isnt stability for me - to be able to have the same level of dedication towards fighting or coping or dealing with life is stability for me. because life is very uncertain - and its supposed to be like that. you cant say tomorrow you will wake up in the same bed - same place as you did today. if you do - congratulations ! if you don't - don't worry its normal.
Home - where i belong !what do i have in home? a mother who is constantly nagging and bugging me to be home as early as i can ...
but also the mother for whom my existence matters. who cares whether i am home or not - eaten or not. slept or not. what i am wearing. what i am doing locked inside the room ... yes - that matters more than half of life to me. for this women i have the urge to be someone - something so that she can smile. otherwise i am not a person who wants to go back home - a constant stable point where everything remains unchanged.
what else? good to be back home ... good to be remain how i am or how i have become. Life is easy - we are complicated. Let's not have pre-occupied ideas of how to do what when and where - because honey the more you will plan the more you will get worked up as not everything goes as in you want ... taking control over life is ok - but destiny awaits and that's pretty much uncontrollable.
Cheers !
Soi
11:40 am (BD)
