... Depression and Soi ...

বিষণ্ণতায় ভোগা ব্যাপারটা আমার কাছে প্যান্ডোরার বাক্সের মত। মানে সামনেই বা হাতে নিয়ে বসে আছি...দেখছি ভেতরে কি থাকতে পারে তাও আন্দাজ আছে কিন্তু খুলতে পারি না। বছরের পর বছর একটাই বাক্স নিয়ে পড়ে থাকি যখন তখন। ১-২-৩ দিন। অন্ধকার আর আমি, শুন্যতা আর আমি, মনে হয় এরপর জীবনের আর কিছু নাই। জীবনের শেষ বিন্দুতে দাড়িয়ে আছি।

নিজেকে নিয়ে অসহায় ফিল করবার যে কি প্যারা তা এসময় বোঝা যায়। নিজের সাথে নিজের দ্বন্দ্ব চলে, এট্যাক - কাউন্টার এট্যাক ... আইডেন্টটিটি ক্রাইসিস এ ভুগি খুব।

আমি আমার হারানো সেই সইকে নিয়ে খুব কষ্ট পাই তখন, সেই সই যে সবকিছু করতে পারতো ... সব মানে তার কাছে ইমপসিবল বলে কিছু ছিল না, তার কাছে এত মায়া ছিল না, পিছুটান ছিল না...ত চিন্তা ছিল না। ও শুধু করে ফেলতো আর জীবন ছুটে চলতো...সি কুড সারভাইভ উইথ অর উইথআউট এনিথিং।

মানসিক বিষন্নতার মধ্যে দিয়ে যাওয়ার সময় আমার শারীরিক আলস্য কাজ করে খুব। মনে হয় সারাদিন বিছানায় থাকব, বা একভাবে বসে থাকব। শরীর ম্যাজ-ম্যাজানি, জয়েন্টে ব্যাথা... আলো সহ্য হয় না। খিদা লাগে না...সিগারেটটাও মনে হয় অসহ্য। মানে নিঃশ্বাস নেওয়াটাই পেইন তখন। মাথার উপর মনে হয় একচিলতে কালো মেঘ ঝুলছে সবটাসময়।

কন্সটেন্টলি বুক ভেঙে যেতে থাকার ফিলিং, ভেতরটাকে কিছু একটার খেয়ে নেওয়ার ফিলিং :S এবং ইউ কান্ট জাস্ট স্টপ ইট!

কে আমি? কেন আজকের অবস্থানে আমি? কি চেয়েছিলাম, যা পাচ্ছি তাই? মানে এই ধরনের প্রশ্ন হুদাই আজাইরা মাথায় বাড়ি মারবে আর আমি পড়ে যেতে থাকি ইন টু দিস ব্ল্যাক হোল ... মানে আমার অতীত, বর্তমান বা ভবিষতের মধ্যে আমি কোন ডিফার করতে পারি না।

নিজের পরিচয় বা পরিচিতি সবকিছু নিয়েই যখন সংশয় তখন কিছু একটা খুজে পাওয়া যায় যা নষ্ট হয়নি, শেষ হইয়ে যায়নি। সেইটা কোন স্মৃতি বা কোন পারসোনালীটি ট্রেইট বা কিছু একটা হলেও হতে পারে - আমি ঠিক বুঝতে পারি না -মানে সেই প্যান্ডোরার বাক্সের মত। কিন্তু ফিল করতে শুরু করি আর নিজে নিজেকে টানতে থাকি ... রোজ দিন আমি চিৎকার করি কিন্তু তার প্রতিধ্বনি শুনা যায় না। খালি হতে হতে ভেতরটা শামুকের খোলস হয়ে যায় কিন্তু এর পরে এতে কি আসবে জানি না।

এমনটা আমার সাথে আগেও হয়েছে। আমি আমার জীবনের এক বিরতির মধ্যে বসবাস করছি। আমি কাজ ছেড়েছি, অনেক মানুষের সাথে মেলামেশা ছেড়েছি ... কথা বন্ধ করেছি ... আমি এখন হাতে গোনা কিছু মানুষের সাথে কথা বলি। যাও বা বলি তাও খুব ইনকনসিস্টেন্ট। কাছের মানুষদের সাথে কথা বলতেই হয় আদারওয়াইজ অস্তিত্তটুকু হারিয়ে ফেলব। ডিপ্রেশন এর সময় একলা থাকাটা খুব মারাত্মক বিশেষ করে যদি পাস্ট হিস্টরিতে ঘন ঘন সুইসাইডাল এটেম্পট থাকে। আমার কেস হিস্ট্রি একটাই এটেম্পট বহন করছে আর এখন তেমন তিব্র সুইসাইডাল টেন্ডেন্সি কাজ করে না। উলটা নিজের মৃত্যুভাবনায় নিজে কেদে ফেলি - কারন ডিপ্রেশনে আমার অন্যতম উপলব্ধি আমি মরে গেলে কেউ আমার জন্য কাঁদবে না বেশিদিন- ওই কুলখানি পর্যন্তই তারপর যার যার জীবন আবার তার তার। আব্বাকে মিস করি এসময় - কারন আমি জানি আব্বা থাকলে আব্বা সারাজীবন আমাকে স্মৃতিতে, অনুভূতিতে বাঁচিয়ে রাখতো ... যেমন দাদীর ছোট ছোট ব্যাপারগুলা আব্বা কি পরম আগ্রহে আর আদরে আমাদের বলতো আর দুঃখ করতো।

শেষ এমনটা হয়েছিল সেই ২০১১ তে। তখন খুব কম সময় ছিল ব্যপারটা ৫-৬ মাস এর মত। এবার ২০১৬ তে এসে ৮ মাস পেরিয়ে ৯ মাস চলছে।

সো ফার আমার ৩০ বছর জীবনের সবচেয়ে বড় ব্রেক বা বিরতির মধ্যে দিয়ে যাচ্ছি... এক অসীম শুন্য সময় - রোজ আমি নিজেকে নিয়ে ভাবছি ... বুঝার চেষ্টা করছি। সেলফ গ্রোথ আর নিজেকে নতুনভাবে ঢেলে সাজানোর জন্য ভেবেছিলাম একটু ছুটিতে যাব। কিন্তু আরাম করবার আগেই পড়ে গেলাম বিশাল এক অন্ধকূপে। নিজেকে নিজে দেখি না এত অন্ধকার। দম আটকে আসে মাঝে মাঝে কিন্তু তাও বলি এইতো আর একটু। এখনই শেষ হয়ে যাবে। জানি না আর কতদিন থাকব এইভাবে ... কিন্তু আমি অপেক্ষা করছি। হয়তো আবার আরেকবার নিজেকে নতুনভাবে গড়ে নিতে পারব। নতুন স্বপ্ন, নতুন উদ্দেশ্য, নতুন কিছু পাওয়ার বা করবার ইচ্ছা পেয়ে যাব। ১মাস হতে পারে , ১০ মাস হতে পারে বা আরও ১ বছর বা বেশি লাগতে পারে - আমি আসলে জানি না ... জানতেও চাই না... আমি শুধু জানি আমার এই জাদূর বাক্স হয় খুলে যাবে বা আমি কিছুদিনের জন্যে একে হারিয়ে ফেলব। আবার আমি উঠে দাড়াব..আবার তৈরি হব পরবর্তী বিরতির জন্য।

আমরা যারা ক্রনিক ডিপ্রেশনে ভুগি - আমাদের জীবনে এই পরিস্থিতি বার বার ঘুরে ফিরে আসবেই ... আমরা একে কন্ট্রল করতে পারি, কম বেশি করতে পারি...কিন্তু একবারেই শিকড় গুঁড়িয়ে ফেলতে পারা সম্ভব নয়। কাজেই হাল ছেড়ে দিবেন না ... আর একটু, একটু অপেক্ষা করুন.. এ যাত্রায় রক্ষা পেয়ে যাবেন ... কষ্ট হচ্ছে হয় জানি ... কিন্তু এইটুকু পার হতে পারলেই আপনি পাবেন নতুন দিনের নতুন আলো ...

যতদিন আছে নিঃশ্বাস করিতে হইবে প্রানেরও আঁশ ...

Don't stop breathing People. Don't stop breathing Soi.

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Don’t fall in love with me

Don’t fall in love with me.
There are days when I get sad without a reason and I just stare at the ceiling with tears streaming down my face.
Don’t fall in love with me.
On those days, I don’t talk to anyone. I just bury myself in my bed and think about how I became this mess of sadness.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I will become attached to you and I will cry myself to sleep if you don’t text me good night before you go to sleep and I will convince myself that it’s because you got tired of me.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m too much. I will depend on you. I need attention, much more than other people. I’ll talk to you in metaphors and make you one. I’ll write poems about you and opening up my skin at 2 A.M.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I couldn’t stand you coming home to find me on the bathroom floor shaking and crying, with blood spilling from my wrists. I couldn’t stand seeing the disappointment in your eyes.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I will pour everything I’ve left of me into you, every bit of love, until I have nothing to give. Until I become completely empty.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I’m scared that my sadness is contagious.
Don’t fall in love with me.
I will replay your sweet words in my head when I hate myself so much that I want to die. Your words will be the only thing that make me stay.
Don’t fall in love with me.
You will live in fear. You won’t be able to leave me, because you’d know if you did, I wouldn’t have anything to live for.
Don’t fall in love with me.
Before I met you, there wasn’t a single person who could’ve made me stay. You’re my reason now.
Don’t fall in love with me.
Because I will fall in love with you.

- by (yet) unknown writer

To let go is to forgive, the moment you can forgive who or what or why or how - you are ready to let go - to start over!

We often get hurt by people, their lies, their attitudes, their simple tiny misconceptions regarding us. it feels sad to see people we cherish the most, are so radical in making us feel down on ourselves. 

Such times you feel angry, you feel stupid, you scream, you explain over and over or you naturally get inside a shell - crying on your own. Some wounds are forever. Some are too bad to hold onto. As time passes by - we learn to deal with those hurts, we pretend we are over those, even we actually manage to get over at times as well.

But do we really forgive those people? do we forget those moments?

Rather we change ourselves, make ourselves stronger and stronger, hard to access, emotionally unavailable for that particular person or group of people. if someone hurts you - that happens for 2 reason in my observation. Either you give them the access or they are complete assholes. Well, both ways you are the one who's in pain! 

Furthermore, though it's always a temporary situation but it f'cking tears you apart even if its for a moment. so what??? yeap that's the magical 2 words - my trick to overcome hurtful situations. 

Every single time I get hurt by someone close or distant, i look at myself - hate my crying face and shout out inside "So WhaT?" 

I mean my heart is not only for bouncing and dancing - its also for aching and pouncing sorrows duh! Am i being too generous ? No, Soi is hardly generous towards people who hurts her. when i ask and find out it doesn't stop me from daily life functioning, whew i am blessed. why it doesn't ? because i got other stuff to take care of. My maa, my job, my friends, myself wow. And slowly bit by bit I brighten up. 

Life is full of uncertain possibilities and too short to waste over people who are not worth your tears, your heartbreaks, your time to act sad and dark. 

Whenever someone leaves you rather then counting what you are loosing - count what you are left with afterwards. 

Whenever someone makes a messy comment on your being, rather then sobbing over the criticism, smile at the amount of concern you managed to create at the 1st place. 

Whenever you feel hurt and the whole world starts to shake up in your vision, close your eyes and remember the faces, repeat the faiths that made you whatever you are already. 

People supposedly are to hurt people. You must be thinking that this girl is crazy and too strong to say all these. Trust me - i am as weak, emotional and stupid as you are. Even I have pretty hard times in letting go of people, of moments, of memories. For me to let go is to forgive. And i do forgive people the moment i find the definite answer to So what! 

Life is not easy. C'mon who said it would be? its supposed to be twisted, complicated and requires great deal of effort from each of us in our respective ways. More or less, we all do have to survive, whether we like it or not.

Being hurt doesn't make you a looser - rather it proves you have got a heart and it beats to every beat it recognizes.
Don't just quit because you dint match up to some other persons standard of life.
Quit only when it makes you conflict with your own standard of living.
Change for yourself - be stronger to survive for yourself - not because someone else told you, you are imperfect.
And if you are as much as in love with own self as i am - don't bother about being sad.
Just don't make it your 24/7 routine.
Laugh when you want to. Cry when you feel like.
It proves you are a human, a normal one.

Forgive when you know, you are better then holding grudges and making a fuss.
Let go of the unnecessary pains in you life, to your soul - your soul is what you should survive for.

Give it your full-length of care - unless death persists, your soul will never betray you. 

... March 7th till July 7th ...

Abba is gone Forever ! 

Its been straight 4 months - and Abba is gone forever (RIP March 7th 2014)... how was he ? how is he now? does he sees us time to time? how did it all happen? Questions arrive to often in mind - answers are so many ... its painful and hard to bear the emptiness - i feel awfully as in a orphan and now i know my relationship with him when he is nomore ...

I came back to Dhaka 2 months ready ... back home - nothing has changed - same old chaos and same old conflicts - newer issues to cry over - i wonder why we don't change thinking about his demise? I look at the mirror and find myself drooling over the mistakes i have done so far ... and i find i stand nowhere ... no one to look up to - no job - no master degree - no friends to cling tight into - to love_life to dwell within ... i find myself completely numb and laying like a stone at times - nothing or noone touches me anymore. Is this what my father intended of me? No. Is this i wanted to become of myself ? Not at all.

At times there are tears rolling over cheeks and i don't know why am i crying - at times there are moments when i feel something is crushing hard on top of my chest and i can't find the thing myself ... at times there are sadness and grief of seeing myself like this and i don't know doing what would heal my soul ... i look at my mother and my sisters and i find enormous level of disappointment - pain - suffering in their lives ... I pray and pray thinking next day would be different - but i cant remember last time i saw them happy all-together. 

I ended my 1.5 year old relationship within a month - just out of hype of being free from prejudices and bindings of pressures over my soul and mind - what was it like? it was a sweet healthy relationship underneath having great mishaps and diseases ... a relationship which had a image of adjustment and torments going over with - as time passes by i realized it was a good feeling not to be in it anymore ... it gave me freedom to analyze over my family issues and understand my stands in them - i was not being lectured or guided or told what to do and what to not - i am once again free to perform my own mistakes and take blame for it - i am free to do my own thinking and not be ashamed of it - though i have been wonderfully well-criticized for my decision to end this relationship out of nowhere but at the end of the day i feel good - atleast less pressured and less burdened with life ... 

All relations aren't like fairy tales and comes with happy ending ! 

There comes relations where you try and try and see your partner pick on you to change and change for betterment - and still it gives you a lot of burden deep down inside making u feel u are worthless and no matter how much u do - the basic roots of being will never change - despite of whether its religious beliefs or social norms - but God has created u in different ways - and you keep taking in and taking in - that feeling of imperfection keeps eating u inside and u loose all the good course to try further - u become shallow and emptier inside - u become greedy for freedom of being - u don't stand on being right or wrong anymore and the bitterness of pressures and ultra-intensive love affair takes out your confidence of being what at the very 1st place of falling in love you were - You just explode !

Its specially easier to explode when you have that space and control over your surrounding where you are actually ... it wasn't pre-planned or anything that i brought in mind from KL - but i guess it happened so fast and accurately because we were in different countries - if i was still in KL - maybe we would still be together - suffocating and making ourselves suffer... looking at the good deeds one cannot pass their lifetime with the other one - atleast he wasn't like that - so i guess i had to turn into someone like him and give it the final ending - am i sorry about it ? no - i am content because it happened finally and I wish him all the best !

What's in another degree ? nothing anymore !

I enrolled for Masters because my father wanted me to do it ... I spent my 2 years in KL because My father wanted me to stay out of Bangladesh - I left Bangladesh because i had a very good reason ... now i regret it all - i ran away because i couldn't face my pain -  Abba helped me ran away because he didn't wanted me to be in pain - but what did i do ? I didn't finish my masters yet - i became unhealthy - more physically vulnerable and i am back into doing nothing - now I can't even ask anyone to let me stay and not ask me to go back ...

Its more like a dead-end now - knowing its a dead-end still have to move further and trust me - its a never-ending journey - taking a U-turn and ending where i started from - too tired of walking on the same path over and over - people say i wanted and did these all by myself - even i say yes i ruined it myself - why ? because i love life and i love for living ! if i start changing tomorrow the same people would blame for being other-way and me will be again taking a U-tern ...  so my understanding of all combines to its all about nothing and still everything and this is actual life ... u laugh u cry - u break down - u build up - more or less - sooner or later we all go with the same phase - i talk about it you don't - so u do criticize me and i adore you for your perfect picture :P 

Moving on is NOT tougher anymore ...

moving on isn't tougher anymore or something to think over and over - its more like a daily routine now - no matter what happens move on - whether its death or new life - move on ... its a failure or achievement move on ... just keep breathing - just keep rolling ur eyelashes and smiling for ownself - because life is very uncertain - and truth is supposed to be harsh - u gotta have all the energy to deal with life and people in it - u can't just sit back and wonder things will be falling into their own places - something u gotta fix yourself - some the Almighty will fix for you - unless its your final moment you gotta roll the dice and play along ... how and why its for you to decide and choose! 

...Ramadan Days...

Alhamdulilah ... I am still alive - healthy and peacefully (kind of) spending my this year's ramadan back home with my family and friends and being in the same city as in him :D

I am mostly a power-attention-care freak woman with absence of clear manners and justified activities. I do things which i wish to do without any concern to prior convictions that i might have to face or overcome. I am me - good and bad -ugly and sad - mostly smiling without reason ... whore-minded (named by a very close person to me) ... lol .. provocative-less active-quite possessive-huge temperamental and slight jealous kind of species ... duh - I am a human and I am not wise or worth risking your life for but I am good in helping you life get of risk for sure.

Ramadan to me is of limitations from obvious lust-pleasure-luxury-hatred-sick thinkings-dirty imaginations-seductive allocations of actions-envy-slothful intentions... it is to share-to help-to benefit others each way possible. Am I a pure fasting-holder? no comments to that ! 

I have fallen so low - that even my passion of getting up is lost at times. I have given reasons to people to hate me - not to want me - not to be with me. I have proved even I can loose control over relationships and my visions has changed. My ethics have advanced ... and my viewpoints are on diversion of changing directions. This year of 2012 - surely is a turning point in the book of my storyline - I am growing up real fast and real bad - I have got envious aggregation towards not-having-what-I-want ... I aint that sweet innocent girl any-more who used to cry slow and weep silently and say nothing to anyone - I shout - I scream - I insist - I provoke - I indulge - I protest - I resist - I sin - I make mistakes. 

I proud - I burn - I curse and most of all I ruin ! 

I think on my own concern more - I understand the clever dirty connections more - I value truth more - I live upto others expectations less and happily I get hurt more and more easily now-a-days. 

I don't know is it because I live a complete different me - back there in KL ? 

Or is it because I have experiences few new era's of life in past 6months?

People has changed alot around me - funny - it was always me who believed in change and when it happened to people i love - i coudnt take it ... i still can't maybe - but I am trying...after-all i am breathing still and time is moving on .. have to act prompt and smart or else tata-bye bye zindegi! whew!

love is more like a passion yes ! i love being in love - and no i will never change for sure ... i will dream about things which will never happen to me - i will want men who will never need me - i will need situations which will actually never occur in sense. 

I am on my way to 26 - but I still act as in some teen on her way to meeting her first cruse :D thanx to the men - who still can make me feel in such way - I am entirely grateful to you .

Moreover I am kind of being adoptive in case of family-matters ... I guess diplomatic would be the exact word... hmmm - going well Soi ! 

Friends - fixing my direction off to making them secondary priority of my life ...

Focus - havn't been able to set straight foot on it yet - but working hard - real hard ... 

Last but not the least - Have regained my faith of rejoicing my own mood after couple of years i guess ! yes - i have managed to be steady and happy even of feeling enormous pain somewhere down there inside of my soul - Bravo ! 

Uncertainties - a wide warming welcome ! 

Life - lets Play Fair-Safe-Big! 

Love Soi!

... another day another fight ...

aww.. yes ... I am still breathing :D today while sleeping for a while I felt I am back in my home and could my mother shouting... well she has a loud voice and back home i used wake up hearing her most days. but no... someone in the dorm corridor was shouting.. sigh i miss u amma ... one of the prettiest ladies i have ever seen :P

Well... here is a sunny day in KL today but the sky is making huge music - meaning the thunder sounds, seems its going to rain soon ... did I ever said that UMA nature made me fell in love with nature actually? Yes... after Cox's ... Its UMA - the place i love the most in the world. I am not much of a traveller or a nature lover - but I adore watching the beauties of trees and bushes and empty roads and highland-marks here... Staring at the empty environment full of greenery makes me go green LOL..

aah... its our Bengali New Year next week and we the Bengali students are hosting a event on the night of 13th :D :D and I am going to sing with my tune-less dramatic horrible voice in it... being a foreigner is a blessing at times .. no-matter how bad i perform I will wont be cursed ! more I will get sympathy and as most wont understand what we will be singing so less critics ! ahahaha... OK... I have got a class to catch in 2 hours.. I just finished up my one-entire week vacation and I am feeling like I don't want to go. I sleep alot less than I used to in BD... maybe max 4-6hours normally and sometimes by miracle 8hours max. at-least once a week. I believe when I will go back to BD in my vacation i will first sleep a whole week 12-16 hours and then do other works... oh no... its raining ... gosh ! I hate carrying the umbrella!!! huh! So, as I am unwillingly on my way to spend the rest of the days with my class or whatever - I wish all a very good day and May Allah bless us with safety ... p.s - life isn't always that we want it to be...its upto us whether we can be the way life requires us to be .. Cheers!

Officialy Once agaiN I am singLe...

but 1st time in life not ready to mingLe... lol .. after-all whatever happens ... happens for good.. lately i felt its better to stay alone ... than to be with someone and still feel lonely ... and it made me terrible to force someone to keep loving me...and my ultimate realization is LoVe isnt about being together all the time ...it also means being apart and still praying for the betterment of the person we love... tada ! Soi Is Acting Like a Grown-UP .. congratulations Soi ! Ok... I am back after so many months... let me give some info on myself ... weLL ... I am currently in Kuala-Lumpur .. doing my masters in Development Studies ... exact 2 months away from Bangladesh .. I am content .. had rough pitches lately .. and Yes Hell Yea I am moving On...

By now You know .. I am a contradictory person with my emotional-vague-obsessed self-deduction ! I am 25+ and I sometimes still manage to act like sweet 16...lol I am crazy and my own Favorited-selfish BraT! I miss my country-friends-family more than ever .. and life here in KL isnt worse ... I mean yea its bad at times .. But I am learning to stick to it as time is passing by.

Life here is nothing like Bangladesh ... sometimes i feel as if i am some kinda alien here ... sometimes others are to me. But life is always moving on .. on and on ... Now when I did i fell in love again?? just a month ... as I am a universal lover ... and i Love being in Love .. it just happened.. let me tell you - when you love someone - never expect that they will love you the same way you do.. its all about being patient .. attraction .. trust .. compromises and understanding ...

 as just in a month he has made me forgotten about my mistakes..scars..past memories which used to haunt me down to hell .. and as far as his concern ... doesn't matter what i feel... strange huh?? Einsteinian statement refers to if you don't believe in mysteries or magic's that means you aint alive ... I have always gone to Love .. but this time love came to me.. and it faded itself from the other person .. and forcing someone to be in love with you - aah no - that's something Soi is never comfortable with .. but I did that !!!because Love sets you free .. when in need .. it shows you how compassionately you can love someone and at the same time you cant have him .. so I guess Once more as always - Allah Is Doing What is right for ME... what else??? I have decided to be regularly writing from now on ... though i cant write but i will honestly give it another try... why ??? because I want to .. duh ! lol.. Its never too late to accept own lacking... minding own limitations and still be happy about what we are ... cheers!