...what goes around it comes around...

Hello there... Good Morning... another new day it is.. hopefully will get something new to learn ... Um mm.. currently i am worried about the earthquakes and tsunami alerts in Indonesia... We had couple ones back in home and 1st time in life I was not laughing of the fact of being moved on the ground, feeling it, saying - La Ilahe Illallahu Muhamdur Rasulallah.. or like asking Amma to stop panicking about it. I never panic of death .. I never get shocked of hearing someone died. I don't know why maybe because i believe even death has a purpose. But yesterday when I heard i went panicking myself... I called back home.. Parents .. sisters .. him . to know that they are safe and sound. Went worried about the babies. things I never did back in BD. But staying apart from things sometimes makes us realize the real value of it. Friends .. Family .. laughter in your own colours .. life. May all be safe everywhere in every home in every situation - in worse, in pain, in death even. sigh! I am a maniac at times. Obnoxiously something struck me these days... I have never cared that the pain of loosing I bear inside gifted to me from others - even I at time ignore it - and try it on others as-well. I complain of giving so much and still not being attended - where as I myself avoided the fact that even I do that to people. I think I am growing up mentally .. I am trying to learn things from the both sides lately. Putting myself into others shoes, when I see people being as lonely and shut-off due to unreasonable attempts of love-seeking- I discover even I cause the reason behind to others. It was always about me- what I am loosing - what I am not getting - what I am being left off from ... I always say it doesn't matter - but deep down inside - I am afraid at times even. Because I know how vague the dialogue is - it does matter - as far as we have hearts everything matters regarding to laughter or tears. I often tend to be this crazy - damn care - rude biatch to others - but when I see people doing that to me - I break into pieces - and I even I do that as-well. But I never try to see that what I go through .. I am also making others go through it.

Life is uncertain - If I ignore one today - I might be ignored as in the one tomorrow. there's no ultimate equation to life - life can be anything at anytime. When I came here 2 months back.. I had this numbness killing inside ... I was like trapped and coudnt let go of what needed to be let go off .. I still am stuck with myself .. but I am trying and yes I had the push all it required to take that extra step and start afresh ... with the newer good things. To forget one shock its not necessary anymore to go for another one...at-least thats whats been my excuse to my mistakes all these years. However, now when I look back I see how stupid i was to think in one-way... I was running from it in the name of moving on.. I never faced it rather I closed the chapter and opened another one - but the book remained the same ... the theme remained the same. A guitar changed my such dumb point-of-view... I always talked of learning how to play a guitar.. but I never tried to go somewhere or to look for the learning stuff for that. I just talked about it. If I could really do what I felt like doing- could really stick to my heart and act according to my mind I would know how to play a guitar and play for myself. I wouldn't had to feel sad of looking at it and not being able to use it. There's so many things in life - good-fun-better ones I think of doing ... but i always pretend to be not-caring-at all so I never take that extra step and to actually earn that exact thing. Unless or until one tries ... none gets anything in this world. and even if without trying you get it - you eventually take it granted.

Now I guess I am learning to understand my imperfection more closing within me and accepting my flaws in true terms. if someone doesn't love me back that is because I am not the right person for that person - normally I would have said .. doesn't matter .. he isn't worth it whereas i should have tried to be the one and show that I was worth it and than it shouldn't;t had mattered. I knew every right path - but i din't follow the instructions to ride it properly - so i ended up moving all around it. Now I know I have to learn playing a guitar as I always wanted it and Inshallah I will do it. I know I have to know how to drive because that is essential - for my own betterment - I know I have to be really nice to people and not behave in a way which had or would cause me pain if I was not treated nice. Forcing isn't my type ... but I always imposed the fact when I din't got what I expected ... but in Life its not meant to be getting all expectations fulfilled. Its more of making executions of those expectations and be better .. be worthy of it. ah... its better to be late rather to never reach there and yes its more of a rebirth of me as all that I knew is more delicate and reasonable and mostly the true-ugly face of reality. Whenever in life - you see someone giving so much even if you can't pay them back - let them know what they have done for you. if you can't accept it ... be able to appreciate it. reject but also respect it. don't have it but don't waste it either. because it takes a lot of guts and soul to be able to give all that you have or even a smaller part of it. Cheers!