... Back in Bangaladesh ...

When I left Bangladesh ... four months back .. I knew loads of things will change but I feared the most that people will change - and yes ! people did !

I am back in Dhaka for 2 and half months - for my summer vacation and its just been 2 weeks ... I already feel awful . Few of best buddies aren't there as they used to be ... Parents are loving me more ... sisters are more caring .. and I feel like a guest in my home. Sigh - as they and I both know will be leaving again I guess its more adjusted that way.

My parents are on good terms - Alhamdulilah .. and each time I look at them I feel blessed. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't leave BD would it be some worse? all the things which were to be fixed could have been fixed even if I din't. I don't know - I don't wanna know anymore.


I have become more and more critical and self-centred ... its hard to keep my mood swings in control - or to just take jokes as in jokes. I believe I am getting older at heart - it doesn't matter how loud still I still laugh or how jolly-go-happy I act - deep within I feel a tired soul which is constantly crying out for a final end.


there are moments still left - when I am happy around home and friends - but as the night starts I fall and fall deep within my complicatedness and I freak out thinking what will happen to me in next few years.


I live a uncertain life - I feel uncertainties all around me - what am I doing why am I doing ... I don't have single clues at times ... I am more and more scattered ... there are moments when I stick to my pretentious self and say to myself - Its ok to fail. I moreover find a way to tame myself with such silly myths of life - attitudes of self-denial of self-mistakes have taken me nowhere better. I think alot these days - various issues - my past - my present - my future ... and I know the more I think I will go down.

I am standing in stage of life - when the self-interest of correction is dead ... the self-adjustment of accepting the world as it is and to move along with it is more of a curse ... my confidence level is finished and my dreams are all gone ... nowhere there is nothing .. I am more of a burden to myself .. and still I wake up - I laugh - I cry - I get angry and I get devastated - I again start a fresh - I again fall - and I stand up . I don't know how much more I can walk along - but as in a Human - I keep walking towards unknown ... No, I don't expect people to understand me anymore - as I am like a open book and still hard to read.
I have adjusted myself with the notion of - this is how things will be or maybe worse - who care's? I might not have to go all the way - so be prepared for it. what is valuable today might not be tomorrow - what I cherish today might hate it tomorrow and what I am not having today will not ask for in future ...
Contradictions and confusions are surrounding me tight and I am giving in this time - as I am tired of Myself and I have nothing left to try for - I will do what I have to do - I wont care what I want anymore.