... brainstorming thoughts of the present ...

After couple of months break in writing - in past few days - i have been writing on my mind thoughts that i couldn't finish - so i am back with bit of brainstorming issues that i do wonder about these days ... 

# SLEEP ! 

sleep is such a habit which does make me feel tiring - deosnt matter i sleep less or more - i hardly have a fresh feeling and its alarming ! when a person is happy - or maybe atleast satisfaction is there in mind - the sleep is supposed to be pleasurable ... to different people the pursuit of happiness is different - to me mostly its a good sleep ! If i am able to sleep sound and tight - I am content ! sigh - i am back with sleeping problems and it does make me worries often ! i am not into sleeping pills and pills are never a permanent solution to sleeping disorder - my own realization !

# RelationshiP !

being with someone is surely a happy moment - whether its ur father or your boyfriend ... your nieces or or ur friends ... each relation is valuable in terms of passionate devotion ... but at the end of the day - the best relation of all is the relation with ur creator and with urself ... the clarity and purity of own conscience is eventually the key to stay human ... how much of that am i getting? hmm - confusion and dissatisfaction ! 

# silence within soul ! 

i have become reaction-less - i was though before - but now it worries me ... i am observant of things happening around - still my senses have come to this what-so-ever state - where i have become this self-obsessed creature with less to want from the world and others ... self -obsession is nothing new in my case - but being silent is something i am worried about !

# Friends do Change ! 

whether its me or someone else - as time passes by the feelings do change - in negative-ness of miss-communication or from the positivism of betterment for the future - acceptance of the practical enhancement of reality . some do accept that and ignores the changes and pretend being same balancing the conjugational process of life-living-career-ambitions-family extensions-facebook bla bla ! some never accepts it and complains about it - and fails to balance in-between and is left out all alone ! 

# its ok to be faulty and wrong but not worth being called superlative !

i am a person of justified mistakes - well i am not proud of that but i do take pride in it ! when people points at me saying i am this i am that - i should correct and i should stop - i ask myself - why dont i think like that for myself? is it because i lack the level of understanding of right and wrong? is it because i have evil within my soul and a bad person? what am i ? stupid dumb who doesnt want ownself to see happy? whats wrong in being stupid? isnt this what was written in my destiny? i made mistakes and god made me paid for them - and still theres more to pay for - what if i choose that for myself? this does occur into great deal in me ! every coin has 2 faces ... in my opinion every issue has different meaning to explain to explore to conclude.  

to be continued next week !

... the taste of failure ...

how does the failure taste ?? 

would it be suitable to call the current feelings failure or breaking down?

a month ago - i heard from a very pro-active person of my person telling me - I will never succeed in relationships - because i am too self-obsessed ... and ignorant of others feelings ... i am selfish in such manner that nothing or no-one seems to work out with me ... 

when did i said i am not that? i always do admit and accept that I love myself the most ... to me it matters the most on terms of personal relationships - what i can give and can't .. being bold and stubborn has always been my kind of attitude ... and now I do have a attitude problem ... 

because of what its quite easy to leave me because if you cant stand me - even i don't bother. 

I have left home - staying without friends ... life has been quite strange to me - bit happiness is something which never stays longer in my end. i have seen in past few months that i am not worth it to stand ... people often gets it hard to put up with me - and no i don't blame their wits regarding such intolerance. 

i am greedy of the fact that i am what i have become and i don't compromise on the facts of i believe i am made of ... I am bad - dirty - witty - irritatingly impossible - but i am mine ... people talks about pain that i give them - i talk of the insecure-imbalanced present they give me. i am not adorable enough to adore - then why stick to me for the time-being as per your level of tolerance? do i beg you to do so? 

i know i am in-capable of making changes - because i have seen - it takes less then moments to leave me - leaving me has been always easier - as i dont force people to grab me in neither i entitle others to be with me. not every person on earth is given the power to create - to build - to bond ... its my incapabilities - and no i dont hate myself for that.

I always say i am crazy - because that is what i am. 

whatever my previous actions were or how i came so far - i did become such profound egoistic.

failure - another failure - its not nice to hear that i am incapable of relationships.

i don't feel guilty or ashamed - i just don't feel fine inside - it tears me apart - still i wont change myself - because its not worth it - the person who intends to stick - sticks no matter what. 

i am imperfect - and i accept myself as i am ... 

i have lost so many things and people for that ...

i am ready to loose more. 

i know i will. 

still i will be what i will be. 

...realizations...

those of us - who desire and dream of working for people - development of this mother earth and correcting the so called unfair norms of human behaviour - for us its like a prayer which we bear inside - we want it so bad that we mostly forget - dealing with humans are the toughest job on earth - as its the humans who neglect own welfare - whether that's physical and mental - people with no literacy of pride and respect - of being and the feeling of meaning something to this earth - no matter how much you speak for them - they will be the one backstabbing you - and the ones you will be fighting ! they will laugh at u like hyenas - still we keep believing people will change - people does - but in the process it takes ur heart apart and with slight fall of hurt - u might become a hyena yourself ... whom to blame?
another scenario you cry - you scream - u feel stupid and sad - because u fight for people and they show u the thumb finger down as in a failure of ur soul - but still the prayer becomes stronger - as you take the journey along the way - keep trusting people - at one moment the backstabbing and back-biting doesn't bother u anymore ... because u know u did what needed to be done - rest becomes history of success or failure - doesn't count...
To those people who back-stabs - no matter how much u disrespect ur own pride - U can never change me from being nice to you ...
To those who endangers others pride and respect - f'ck you in every moment of ur life ... today ur doing it to others - tomorrow time will take a full circle and will kick u back at ur ass ....
Peace !

... Nor I belong there - Neither I belong here ...

Its been 2 weeks that I am back in KL ... Nop - this time I am not missing myself - I am more broken and shattered - away from family in real terms - friends are there as always being missed .. but I am calm somehow ... few more days - to reach my 27th year ... and finally I believe I have outgrown into a fine lady - with loads of mistakes and lot less left to loose.

In last 3 months in Bangladesh - I have learned few things - no matter what happens nothing is merely essential to stop own faith from growing ... no matter how people treats you always keep the good things in memory and forget the bitterness for own mental health ... family - friends are worth being prioritized but more than that own capability building is important to choose the right people to be prioritized . It was more like a guilt-trip regarding wasting last few years on unsolved relationships and worthless emotional break-downs. I am back to my old self - but with advanced level of coping up abilities with own complicatedness. I don't blame myself any more for not getting anything or loosing whatever was meant to be lost . I am more into accepting the fate and luck - the lacking that I had in my efforts towards my life - people - love - dreams - hopes - living - health and everything. 

I am back to non-committed me ... and I am still holding onto patience and breathing ... I now do understand what-when-how-where to stop and start ... the game of manipulation is well-understood and the pace of ups-and-downs is bit more clearer to me. I am not yet focused to what I need to achieve in life but I am thinking freely - I am exploring different situations with neutral visions and yes I am learning to learn. 

I am taking things lightly for the first time in life I guess. I taking men-parents-friends-love-sadness lightly. I don't feel embarrassed for being a dramaqueen or no i don't call myself stupid anymore for silly mistakes. I am not scared or worried of a new problem - nor I am exhausted of existing situation. I am more into accepting life as it is coming and not in the state of asking for reasons anymore - because I realized it doesn't matter how one thing happens - i have faith in the fact that it happens because its meant to happen. 

I don't feel lonely despite of being alone - I do cry at times for myself - but not because I am unwanted everywhere but because at the end of the day I really want myself to be something - for myself - so that I can look at my face in the mirror and not hate what I see there. 

life can be so beautiful in one second and become ugly on the other - so can we - but the bitterness we hold inside is really what we need to let go. Dreams break in lack of concrete devotion - hopes shatter in lack of strong pillars of faith and we get hurt because we allow ourselves to be hurt . 

a strong observation - when we take a person seriously in this age of technology and innovation - the global world of opportunity and competition -  of facebook and smart phones - free mixing and crave for uncommitted-open-relationships and extreme level of sexual involvements - feelings are the least thing which gets noticed. The more its applied to be in touch - the more the attraction disappears. The more we get - the more we want - the more we want - the more we look for. Those we wait more - we become like waiters for lifetime - its the era of doing-as-per-requirement - more or less and you will be doomed. if you give more you will be criticized - you give less you will be replaced. The balance of being loved and loving is becoming so distant in most cases of us - that we are taking more of frustration-anger-tensions-irritation inside us and leaving the good things aside. there's is so much more discover in life - as we are gifted with time and passion - which others crave for and still not getting enough of it - and we let go of it by storing the bitterness of unwanted results and sufferings.

In my 27 years of life (almost) ... I have understood one fact very clear - nomatter how hard things get or how low I become - I will never stop moving - even if I know there's dead-end further ... more obstacles to face - more worse to become - I will break into pieces and gather myself on my own. Because I am meant to try for myself - make laughter and create love out of myself. I have many things to do - good or bad which time will decide and endeavour more tears to shed. I am unpredictable - crazy - impulsive but my karma was-is-will be mine. I will be punished and appreciated for my own account - and for forgiveness I am to bow to one entity  - My Allah - my creator ... 

Very heavy words - but from the bottom of real me - I am not afraid of the fact of going to bad all alone and waking up all alone - I am just starting over each day - as its meant to be ... I am my own light and darkness and I intend to make others happy so that I can be happy at the end of each brand new day ... 

My sins are mine and my heart is with me - no - its doesnt belong to someone worthless anymore ... and yes - I am in some cases a looser and winner - but it doesn't matter to me anymore - as far as I am alive _ I am fully satisfied with my self ... 

<3 b="b" soi="soi">

 

Best Tips for Self-Improvement – Ways of Self-Improvement

As I don't invariably find yourself handling to place all the tips below directly into training, I really do produce a large effort to take action daily. It is a listing of the best suggestions to enhancing your lifestyle. It just takes slightly daily and you may notice wonderful modifications. You can increase your personal suggestions to your comments ought to.

1. Don’t Put things off

This really is a single We have a problem with a whole lot within my personal lifestyle. It has recently been a fantastic problem for me personally when i home based, however investing in this career has truly reduced the problem to avoid placing issues away as well as manage my well being. The sensation right after finishing a job you'll typically delay is a superb top and definitely a lot much healthier 1 compared to a few of the additional levels inside our lifestyles. Once you set one thing away, you might be getting oneself in to time-debt. You spend your debt again and also typically you get needing to do this at most bothersome period. Simply by delaying composing articles for that website, for instance, My partner and i wind up being forced to compose 1 with Several through the night once i would prefer to end up being viewing a show inside them for hours a glass or two! Your daily life will end up much more arranged in the event you adhere to this particular guideline.

2. Dont panic for targets – Live for the Now

Databases with this dynamics more often than not inform you to create and also create objectives. My goal is to let you know the alternative. A really smart psychotherapist when explained when you place a target, and get that, you might be frequently still having a clear experience as the objective isn't everything you believed it might be. It doesn't only not necessarily fulfill, an individual undoubtedly wind up missing a great deal existence simply by trying to succeed in one thing down the road. Having said that, We don’t feel you need to overlook the potential : it's well worth getting an idea of the items you should eventually accomplish -- yet don’t concentrate your entire vitality about setting it up. An illustration of this the main difference is: I've a objective to reside Italy. My partner and i devote Ten years wanting to conserve all of my funds in order to acheive in which aim. A very good fictitious example of this can be found in the film American Beauty.

3. Dont be afraid of fears, Face it

Each day you want to do one thing a person don’t might like to do -- or even really feel not comfortable carrying out. This particular may differ inside levels for everybody, however all of us have tiny problems we could commence with. For instance, you might not navigate to the health club as you worry everybody considering an individual -- take action anyhow! Right away you'll be much more certain that a person get rid of worries completely and may proceed to the subsequent worry : possibly even one thing greater. Residing any courageous lifestyle offers you any self-assurance which is obvious in order to other people. Rather than creating partitions about ourself, you should be shredding these lower.

4. Break the Chain

For those who have plenty of styles in your lifetime, attempt busting all of them -- make a move diverse every single day. Let’s point out you generally purchase exactly the same food at the typical Fri night time bistro. Test something different this kind of Comes to an end? You don't only arrive at expand your own encounters regarding lifestyle, an individual open several gates for future years. Recently I might by no means take in china meals or perhaps sea food. Then I chose which i would likely check it out. Fish has become certainly one of the best meals and that i would certainly dislike being without them. Simply because I stumbled upon i adore British as well as Oriental meals, I'm able to take in in almost any cafe I would like. In which initial step additionally meant I'm right now ready to try out completely any kind of meals.

5. Accept the things you can’t Change

Any time one thing negative occur in our everyday life, we attempt to correct these or perhaps modify all of them. However we sometimes can’t. Frequently this particular qualified prospects all of us to invest hrs moping and also dropping into despression symptoms. When you can be acknowledge what you can not modify -- you'll be a significantly more happy individual. Approval of those circumstances additionally we can begin getting a approach to deal considerably faster. For example, you may realize that you have only $10 left in your bank account that has to last the next 2 weeks. Instead of getting down about it, accept that you have no money and work out a way to survive on that amount.

...Ramadan Days...

Alhamdulilah ... I am still alive - healthy and peacefully (kind of) spending my this year's ramadan back home with my family and friends and being in the same city as in him :D

I am mostly a power-attention-care freak woman with absence of clear manners and justified activities. I do things which i wish to do without any concern to prior convictions that i might have to face or overcome. I am me - good and bad -ugly and sad - mostly smiling without reason ... whore-minded (named by a very close person to me) ... lol .. provocative-less active-quite possessive-huge temperamental and slight jealous kind of species ... duh - I am a human and I am not wise or worth risking your life for but I am good in helping you life get of risk for sure.

Ramadan to me is of limitations from obvious lust-pleasure-luxury-hatred-sick thinkings-dirty imaginations-seductive allocations of actions-envy-slothful intentions... it is to share-to help-to benefit others each way possible. Am I a pure fasting-holder? no comments to that ! 

I have fallen so low - that even my passion of getting up is lost at times. I have given reasons to people to hate me - not to want me - not to be with me. I have proved even I can loose control over relationships and my visions has changed. My ethics have advanced ... and my viewpoints are on diversion of changing directions. This year of 2012 - surely is a turning point in the book of my storyline - I am growing up real fast and real bad - I have got envious aggregation towards not-having-what-I-want ... I aint that sweet innocent girl any-more who used to cry slow and weep silently and say nothing to anyone - I shout - I scream - I insist - I provoke - I indulge - I protest - I resist - I sin - I make mistakes. 

I proud - I burn - I curse and most of all I ruin ! 

I think on my own concern more - I understand the clever dirty connections more - I value truth more - I live upto others expectations less and happily I get hurt more and more easily now-a-days. 

I don't know is it because I live a complete different me - back there in KL ? 

Or is it because I have experiences few new era's of life in past 6months?

People has changed alot around me - funny - it was always me who believed in change and when it happened to people i love - i coudnt take it ... i still can't maybe - but I am trying...after-all i am breathing still and time is moving on .. have to act prompt and smart or else tata-bye bye zindegi! whew!

love is more like a passion yes ! i love being in love - and no i will never change for sure ... i will dream about things which will never happen to me - i will want men who will never need me - i will need situations which will actually never occur in sense. 

I am on my way to 26 - but I still act as in some teen on her way to meeting her first cruse :D thanx to the men - who still can make me feel in such way - I am entirely grateful to you .

Moreover I am kind of being adoptive in case of family-matters ... I guess diplomatic would be the exact word... hmmm - going well Soi ! 

Friends - fixing my direction off to making them secondary priority of my life ...

Focus - havn't been able to set straight foot on it yet - but working hard - real hard ... 

Last but not the least - Have regained my faith of rejoicing my own mood after couple of years i guess ! yes - i have managed to be steady and happy even of feeling enormous pain somewhere down there inside of my soul - Bravo ! 

Uncertainties - a wide warming welcome ! 

Life - lets Play Fair-Safe-Big! 

Love Soi!

... Back in Bangaladesh ...

When I left Bangladesh ... four months back .. I knew loads of things will change but I feared the most that people will change - and yes ! people did !

I am back in Dhaka for 2 and half months - for my summer vacation and its just been 2 weeks ... I already feel awful . Few of best buddies aren't there as they used to be ... Parents are loving me more ... sisters are more caring .. and I feel like a guest in my home. Sigh - as they and I both know will be leaving again I guess its more adjusted that way.

My parents are on good terms - Alhamdulilah .. and each time I look at them I feel blessed. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't leave BD would it be some worse? all the things which were to be fixed could have been fixed even if I din't. I don't know - I don't wanna know anymore.


I have become more and more critical and self-centred ... its hard to keep my mood swings in control - or to just take jokes as in jokes. I believe I am getting older at heart - it doesn't matter how loud still I still laugh or how jolly-go-happy I act - deep within I feel a tired soul which is constantly crying out for a final end.


there are moments still left - when I am happy around home and friends - but as the night starts I fall and fall deep within my complicatedness and I freak out thinking what will happen to me in next few years.


I live a uncertain life - I feel uncertainties all around me - what am I doing why am I doing ... I don't have single clues at times ... I am more and more scattered ... there are moments when I stick to my pretentious self and say to myself - Its ok to fail. I moreover find a way to tame myself with such silly myths of life - attitudes of self-denial of self-mistakes have taken me nowhere better. I think alot these days - various issues - my past - my present - my future ... and I know the more I think I will go down.

I am standing in stage of life - when the self-interest of correction is dead ... the self-adjustment of accepting the world as it is and to move along with it is more of a curse ... my confidence level is finished and my dreams are all gone ... nowhere there is nothing .. I am more of a burden to myself .. and still I wake up - I laugh - I cry - I get angry and I get devastated - I again start a fresh - I again fall - and I stand up . I don't know how much more I can walk along - but as in a Human - I keep walking towards unknown ... No, I don't expect people to understand me anymore - as I am like a open book and still hard to read.
I have adjusted myself with the notion of - this is how things will be or maybe worse - who care's? I might not have to go all the way - so be prepared for it. what is valuable today might not be tomorrow - what I cherish today might hate it tomorrow and what I am not having today will not ask for in future ...
Contradictions and confusions are surrounding me tight and I am giving in this time - as I am tired of Myself and I have nothing left to try for - I will do what I have to do - I wont care what I want anymore.

... Breath of Life ...

I was looking for a breath of life

For a little touch of heavenly light

But all the choirs in my head say, no

To get a dream of life again

A little vision of the sight at the end

But all the choirs in my head say, no


But I would need one more touch

Another taste of heavenly rush

And I believe, I believe it so oh oh oh

And I would need one more touch


Another taste of divine rush


And I believe, I believe it so oh oh oh


Who's side am I on? Who's side am I?


And the feel of it rushes through me


From my heart down to my legs


But the room is so quiet, oh oh oh


And although I was losing my mind


It was a call that was so sublime


But the room is so quiet, oh oh oh


I was looking for a breath of life


A little touch of heavenly light


But all the choirs in my head say, no oh oh


To get a dream of life again


A little vision of the sight at the end


But all the choirs in my head say, no oh oh


It's a long way and it's come from paper


And I always say, We should be together


I can see the look, because this song has ended


And if you are gone, I will not be long


And I started to heart it again but this time it wasn't you


And the room is so quiet


And my heart is the heart of a life


For the devil to dance again


And the room is too quiet


I was looking for the breath of a life


A little touch of a heavenly life


But all the choirs in my head say No

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ROtBbOcdFxo

... Habits ...

Your habit is to play with my heart and break it more n more 

my habit is to pick the pieces and bring them together and be your toy again & again..  

Life goes on .. but for some people some habits remain still at the same point ..  gosh ... i wonder when will i grow old and be out of such habits ... Allah bless me!

Satyamev Jayate ... My story of Sexual Abuse at the age of 11 ..

Satyamev Jayate ... the best show which moves me and makes me shiver into tears ... each and every moment I see through .. in my entire 25 years ...

I have been through hell .. so many sin's .. so many losing .. so many in-appropriate situations... with different levels of living ... different phases of life so far... But after watching today's show .. as I have burst out into tears .. I believe .. I am so blessed and fortunate .. and in comparison to such accidents in life to such innocent kids .. nothing is sad in my life ...

As per the definition, I also fall under the child sexual abuse - Yes .. I was forcefully forced into kissing a guy of 55 that time - touches in my private parts - I was 11 years old.. it happened to my 5-6 times - he is a Pakistani friend of my father ... they share a friendship of like 40 years. It stopped just the way it is said in the show - I told the person whom I thought of as in my bodyguard in those years .. My sister ... and yes I ran away from him after that ... for years ... Alhamdulilah ...

My feelings - hmmm.. In those days, I was mature - thanx to watching movie's - I knew kiss was a special thing - not to have just with anyone - so I knew it was wrong - first time it was weird - confusing - I was scared - after that I knew I dint deserve that ... and I had to fight for myself.. smart kid - yes i was smart - and sensible about my being a girl-child and my private parts. I felt such amount of disgrace and hatred on myself - i was scared with the same level of fear - as depicted in the show - no one will trust me - it took me till the last time to burst out into tears in my sisters washroom - holding her tight and just tell her - He kissed me .. and thankfully my sister understood and asked me to stay away from him ... and I did.. as he used to visit us once or twice a year - he is this rich - big shot - owner of a airline company in Pakistan ... business partner to my father in those days ... no .. never told parents about it - and yes i forgot about it due to course of time ...

where he is now - I don't know or care ...

what I feel about it now - it wasn't my fault - it was that bloody bustards sick filthy mentality - his illness - yes i term him as in a ill-mental person ... and i do forgive him .. because I know Allah will punish him or maybe Allah has punished him already. 

my request to all - please be there for your child - or any child in your family - or any child you know - your brothers or sisters - be their faith as they think of you ... need you. 

I agree - no child lies about such incident - because we hardly talk to children about such issues - or built up such awareness in them .. we like to keep things secret and hidden .. we mostly don't even give them the access to talk to us anything they want to...such a pity to my homeland.

In Bangladesh - I strongly believe - there are millions of similar cases - and people wont even have guts like Amir khan or reliance or star in my country to make a show or even think of such concept - ever ... Bangladesh is country where 5-8 year olds even commit suicide due to eve teasing .. where people to freak about religion and social taboos - busy giving f'ck about social intrusion and images ... we are too spineless to even think its happening around us. if searched ... hundred of cases ... thousands of people in all ages will be found in the same hell - once been there at least . I am not writing on the basis of statistics or not having empirical evidences in hand - don't need to .. I know its happening .. it has happened .. it will happen. 

desire - strong inspiration - must make a workshop like this when I get back to home - to the kids in my family. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hY8CyTeegrM

please do listen to you child when he/she asks you to .. please talk to them and let them know what in them is not to be touched by others ... make them understand they can put faith in you and you are their ultimate bodyguards - as you give birth to them - you give them the breath to live - be responsible for it ...

those who have been through it - hats off to you - be strong .. be bold .. be loving to yourself - you dint choose that - and now when its over - be born again in your own solidarity - own light of faith - you have said no or been saved - you are fortunate - share it - help others ...

those who are undergoing it - get yourself together - forget what others will go through - how people or relationships may suffer - speak out .. stand out for yourself - at least try - go for help - be your own help if possible. 

and for the mother-fuckers who does these sin - may you burn in hell ! 

SaybaL

What Is Child Sexual Abuse?

At the extreme end of the spectrum, sexual abuse includes sexual intercourse or its deviations. Yet all offences that involve sexually touching a child, as well as non-touching offenses and sexual exploitation, are just as harmful and devastating to a child’s well-being.

Touching sexual offenses include:

• Fondling;
• Making a child touch an adult’s sexual organs; and
• Penetrating a child’s vagina or anus no matter how slight with a penis or any object that doesn’t have a valid medical purpose.

Non-touching sexual offenses include:

• Engaging in indecent exposure or exhibitionism;
• Exposing children to pornographic material;
• Deliberately exposing a child to the act of sexual intercourse; and
• Masturbating in front of a child.

Sexual exploitation can include:

• Engaging a child or soliciting a child for the purposes of prostitution; and
• Using a child to film, photograph or model pornography.

These definitions are broad. In most states, the legal definition of child molestation is an act of a person—adult or child—who forces, coerces or threatens a child to have any form of sexual contact or to engage in any type of sexual activity at the perpetrator’s direction.

What Are the Effects of Child Sexual Abuse?

The effects of sexual abuse extend far beyond childhood. Sexual abuse robs children of their childhood and creates a loss of trust, feelings of guilt and self-abusive behavior. It can lead to antisocial behavior, depression, identity confusion, loss of selfesteem and other serious emotional problems. It can also lead to difficulty with intimate relationships later in life. The sexual victimization of children is ethically and morally wrong.

Proving Sexual Abuse

When sexual abuse occurs the child victim may be the only witness and the child’s statements may be the only evidence. In such cases, the central issue sometimes becomes whether the child’s statements can be trusted. Some child welfare experts feel that children never lie about sexual abuse and that their statements must always be believed. According to Douglas Besharov in The Future of Children (1994), “Potential reporters are not expected to determine the truth of a child’s statements. As a general rule, therefore, all doubts should be resolved in favor of making a report.” He continues, “A child who describes being sexually abused should be reported unless there is clear reason to disbelieve the statement.”

Child sexual abuse cases can be very difficult to prove largely because cases where definitive, objective evidence exists are the exception rather than the rule. The first indicators of sexual abuse may not be physical, but rather behavioral changes or abnormalities. Unfortunately, because it can be so difficult to accept that sexual abuse may be occurring,the adult may misinterpret the signals and feel that the child is merely being disobedient or insolent.

The reaction to the disclosure of abuse then becomes disbelief and rejection of the child’s statements.

Sexual abuse is usually discovered in one of two ways:

• Direct disclosure (e.g., the victim, victim’s family member or parent seeking help makes a statement)
• Indirect methods (e.g., someone witnesses the abuse to the child, the child contracts a sexually transmitted disease or the child becomes pregnant)

Sometimes the child may be so traumatized by sexual abuse that years pass before he or she is able to understand or talk about what happened. In these cases, adult survivors of sexual abuse may come forward for the first time in their 40s or 50s and divulge the horror of their experiences.

What Should You Look for If You Suspect Sexual Abuse?

Children who are sexually abused may exhibit behavioral changes, based on their age.

Children up to age 3 may exhibit:

• Fear or excessive crying
• Vomiting
• Feeding problems
• Bowel problems
• Sleep disturbances
• Failure to thrive

Children ages 2 to 9 may exhibit:

• Fear of particular people, places or activities
• Regression to earlier behaviors such as bed wetting or stranger anxiety
• Victimization of others
• Excessive masturbation
• Feelings of shame or guilt
• Nightmares or sleep disturbances
• Withdrawal from family or friends
• Fear of attack recurring
• Eating disturbances

Symptoms of sexual abuse in older children and adolescents include:

• Depression
• Nightmares or sleep disturbances
• Poor school performance
• Promiscuity
• Substance abuse
• Aggression
• Running away from home
• Fear of attack recurring
• Eating disturbances
• Early pregnancy or marriage
• Suicidal gestures
• Anger about being forced into situation beyond one’s control
• Pseudo-mature behaviors

What Can You Do?

Protect your children. Teach your children what appropriate sexual behavior is and when to say “no” if someone tries to touch sexual parts of their bodies or touch them in any way that makes them feel uncomfortable. Also, observe your children when they interact with others to see if they are hesitant or particularly uncomfortable around certain adults. It is critical to provide adequate supervision for your children and only leave them in the care of individuals whom you deem safe.

Support child abuse victims. Children need to know that they can speak openly to a trusted adult and that they will be believed. Children who are victims of sexual abuse should always be reassured that they are not responsible for what has happened to them. Offer encouragement for victims by supporting organizations that help victims of incest or by simply reassuring victims of sexual abuse that they should not feel shame or guilt. It is important to understand that troubled families can be helped and that everyone can play a part in the process.

Teach others about child abuse. Help make others aware of sexual abuse by arranging for knowledgeable guest speakers to present to your organizations or groups. Encourage your local school board to establish programs to educate both teachers and students about the problem.

Report, report, report. If you suspect sexual abuse and believe a child to be in imminent danger, report it to the local child protective services agency (often called “social services” or “human services”) in your county or state. Professionals who work with children are required by law to report reasonable suspicion of abuse or neglect. Furthermore, in 20 states, citizens who suspect abuse or neglect are required to report it. “Reasonable suspicion” based on objective evidence, which could be firsthand observation or statements made by a parent or child, is all that is needed to report. Remember that you may be the only person in a position to help a child who is being sexually abused.

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda

I want you to know

one thing.


You know how this is:

if I look

at the crystal moon, at the red branch

of the slow autumn at my window,

if I touch

near the fire

the impalpable ash

or the wrinkled body of the log,

everything carries me to you,

as if everything that exists,

aromas, light, metals,

were little boats

that sail

toward those isles of yours that wait for me.


Well, now,

if little by little you stop loving me

I shall stop loving you little by little.





If suddenly

you forget me

do not look for me,

for I shall already have forgotten you.





If you think it long and mad,

the wind of banners

that passes through my life,

and you decide

to leave me at the shore

of the heart where I have roots,

remember

that on that day,

at that hour,

I shall lift my arms

and my roots will set off

to seek another land.





But

if each day,

each hour,

you feel that you are destined for me

with implacable sweetness,

if each day a flower

climbs up to your lips to seek me,

ah my love, ah my own,

in me all that fire is repeated,

in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,

my love feeds on your love, beloved,

and as long as you live it will be in your arms

without leaving mine

Celebrating “Pohela Boishak 1419” and Bringing Bengali Culture Live on Stage: by University Malaya Bengali Students Community!

“Esho hein Boishakh Esho Esho “ -a song which almost every Bengali by heart bears to sing out loud even with the weakest voice, on every resplendent first day of Bengali New Year, and we the Bengali students of University Malaya, ( Kuala-lumpur, Malaysia) are proudly enriched with such strong feeling as-well. It’s the feeling which day-to-day reminds us of where we come from & actually belong, the basis of our true cultural roots to our own expression of belonging – originality – individuality – to Bangladesh. To us, the history of “Pohela Boishakh” or the first day of the first month of the each Bengali year, that we recall is - Under the Mughals, agricultural taxes were collected according to the Hijri calendar. As the Hijri calendar was not a purely lunar calendar, it didn’t not match with the harvest seasons. Due to what the farmers back than were struggling to pay taxes out of season. So, The Mughal Emperor Akbar to simplify the tax-collection process ordered a reform of the calendar. Therefore, Fatehullah Shirazi, a renowned scholar and astronomer, formulated the Bengali year on the basis of the Hijri lunar and Hindu solar calendars. The new Fasli San (agricultural year) was introduced on 10/11 March 1584, but was dated from Akbar's ascension to the throne in 1556. The New Year subsequently became known as Bônggabdo or Bengali year. Though, Celebrations of “Pohela Boishakh” started from Akbar's reign. It was customary to clear up all dues on the last day of the year. On the next day, or the first day of the New Year, landlords would entertain their tenants with sweets. On this occasion there used to be fairs and other festivities. In due course the occasion has become part of domestic and social life, and turned into a day of merriment for Bangladeshi people. The main event of the day was to open a “halkhata” or new book of accounts and say goodbye to old dues. (Internet) As I recently moved in to Kuala-lumpur to do my post-graduation, I was already going through a sturdy despair as I thought I wouldn’t be able to celebrate this year’s “Pohela Boishakh” or even feel for it the way I felt all these year back in my home-country. As in Bangladesh, it means Ramna Botomul, Street Paintings, Colors of Liveliness and Joy depicting through Rallies, Concerts, Traditional Bengali foods – dressing – events everywhere; People despite of their religious-social-linguistic differences all coming onto one ground for a day to be identical in their own terms of celebration and festivity. As like as me, there are hundreds here away from home - friends and family, juggling through the heavy study outlines & foreign culture scenarios, caught in between mid-semester study pressure & urge for even going back to Bangladesh for one day only to be part of the outstanding fete of existence. But due to our educational limitations and certain personal bindings we couldn’t. So, some of us decided to bring Bangladesh to us when we can’t go to her. As a result, we succeeded both organizing and performing in the name of “Pohela Boishakh Celebrating Night” ourselves- in-front of almost 400 local & international people of University Malaya & outside the campus audiences on the very 13th April evening by going live on stage with the pure Bengali Folk-Singing, Dancing, Game-shows related to our language, Fashion-show and solid breathtaking Band-Song Performances in just twenty-five days of initiative-planning, strong efforts towards effective promotions, rehearsals, publicizing face-to-face information’s from person-to-person and the necessary fund raising tasks.

Despite of Belonging to diverse departments, staying in altered places – mostly holding different social-mental-educational backgrounds – we all bonded with one conjoint element – we are Bengalis and no matter how far we are , we belong to Bangladesh at the end of each day of our lives. I know it sounds bit dramatic and maybe a bit exaggeration, but that is honestly what we feel. Living here is nothing comparable to the life in Bangladesh. Maybe, we are not suffering from the un-stable price-hikes or the messy political disputes, the continues load-shedding, hectic traffic jams, the day-to-day tension arising regarding security of citizens etc. but we miss our country in each possible way we can. Because every time we place our steps on this ground we know it’s not ours – and I strongly believe every true Bangladeshi who stays abroad feels as exact as we do. For us, the event was a way of re-connecting ourselves and doing all that we can do to reveal the true colors of our culture – and in such process we thank the entire UM officials, Faculties and Admins for respecting our festival and allowing us to hold the event inside the premise and supporting us with the proper permissions and auditorium facilities. As the event started out with Quran recitation by Ruhul Amin and the theme song of “Pohela Boishakh” sang by Birbal, Raquib, Delta, Rashik, Osru, Khairul & me followed by the speeches from the chief guests - Naseruddin Solaiman, Assistant Registrar (International Students Center – ISC of UM), Soud Rahman, Director (GSA- Sweet Dreams Travel &Tours Sdn Bhd, Show Sponsor), S. M. Anisul Haque, Counsellor (Bangladesh High Commission, KL) & Ehsan Soodmand, President (University Malaya Int. Students Association – UMISA). Most amusingly all the speeches had one particular statement – “it seems suddenly the auditorium is all about Bangladeshi atmosphere and we are in some event of Bangladesh in itself”. With the vibrant Hosting of Osru and Rashik, the event than was followed by a gorgeous dance number by Delta, an unplugged medley of Famous folk songs such as Shadher Lau, Ghate Lagaiya Dinga, Ektara Bajaiyo Na, Tomar Ghore Boshot Kore (Birbal, Raquib, Rashik, Me), an interesting game show on the Bengali alphabets based on entirely the international participants from the audiences hosted by Rasikh and Rafat. Fascinatingly, the fashion show choreographed by Farhad was executed on the ramp by five foreign lovely female students (Boyeon Moon – Korea, Liu Shuoyi –China, Meerim Omorova–Kyrghistan, Zhenishgul Istanbekova–Kyrghistan, Ajar Nurdinova– Kyrghistan) of UM all dressed in traditional saree’s in different Bengali ways escorted with five of the male-organizers. We also had a Malaysian Post-grad Student Vikki, who managed perfectly to sing the famous – “Manobono Biharini” as like as any Bengali singer as part of the show which was an enormous attainment. Finally, there were two band performances – in which not only Birbal, Khairul & Raquib who rocked the stages with the famous Bengali band songs of all times but also remarkably the Bengali Student of MMU (Multi-Media University) performed vividly as-well in their own terms of celebration and respect to the “Pohela Boishakh”. All the audiences were treated with traditional delicious Khuchuri- Begun Bhaji- Ilish Mach Bhaja” as in the food menu was made by us, the organizers to keep a clear relevance to Deshi specialties – which became complete appreciation and liking of the night among the audiences both Bengali and Foreigners. And throughout the event it was Sakib, Saiful, Parisa, Dinky (IIUM), Rafat (MMU), Shawkat, Jahid, Kawsar etc. who were running back and forth regardless of any sort of tiredness for hours to bring all the performances together backstage and making the show go on-wards till the end without any difficulties. (Hats Off to them. We could perform on stage because you were watching our backs in each-single moment). Also gratitude to the remarkable photography of the entire event done by Hussain Fakrudeen, who is originally from Sri Lanka currently working in KL, for being on his toes the whole evening to picture our special moments. It’s been exact two days after the celebration and so far the response is tremendously inspiring and appreciating. People are already asking when our next New Year celebration is and what we will be planning for it. When we first sat down together for the planning, we were quite keen to even expect less than 150 people as we knew living in abroad, people tends to be more busier with own life and living. But when we opened the event, we found Bengali students of MMU, UKM, Sunway University, the foreign students-teachers along with families, the parents, even the collogues of the post-grad and PhD students in the audience seats. It was just few hours but for us, the organizing committee - it was an experience of lifetime. We are young and we are away from home, we don’t see our families or hug our friends for months, we don’t sit in the roads in the evening anymore to have the “tong dokaner cha” and gossip, we don’t even have fuchka to fill our mouth with, we don’t go to the concerts of Guru’s like James, Ayub Bachchu, Maksud or can’t dance to the beats of bands like Artcell-Aurthohin-shironaamhin-lalon etc. or watch Mila-Fuad-Habib banging the stages with some mind-blowing music pieces where we can tear our voices into…we don’t get to have rickshaw rides all around our respective areas as-well. We weren’t able to shop for the red-white color combination new clothes or have the delightful special sweets on the Nobo-Barsha morning even or standing taste the panta-ilish in the hot weather of different areas of Dhaka city. We even missed the Chayanot-singing presentation at Ramna and “the Mela” at DU area. However, we tried to fulfill such huge incompleteness with our five hour show, where we forgot where we are – we only remembered who we are – and how badly we miss our country. We poured each possible way all that we hold inside towards our culture – mixed them up with verbal or physical efforts and turned the UM Pardana Siswa Auditorium into more like “Pohela Boishakh Moments” in our own maybe imperfect but magical ways. Lastly, I thank my fellow members in the committee – I am blessed to be found by you and to find you, as I feel connected to you through what we mutually hold within ourselves – which is Bangladesh. I am grateful to you for those 25 days of working together and mostly the show – which made me, forgot that how far I am from my country; my loved ones and making it all feel like home again. And to the readers back in home and abroad as in me, especially the youth of our times - Unfortunately most of us try to act like a Bengali for a day and rest of the year act as if some alien in the home grounds by neglecting the language, blaming the difficult living style of Bangladesh, blaming the flaws of social-educational-cultural norms which is more of so-called revolution of freedom of free-mind. Please let’s love-respect- do everything possible for our country – because at the end when you are ever in abroad and true to your roots– when you’ll see there is not much to relate to your original culture you will become devastated even for a very short period of time and you would realize how much have you wasted in picking out the flaws of your birthplace rather than actually recognizing it for its contribution to your existence. Photographs By Hussain Fakruddin (A free-lancer currently working in Kuala lampur from Sri Lanka)

...what goes around it comes around...

Hello there... Good Morning... another new day it is.. hopefully will get something new to learn ... Um mm.. currently i am worried about the earthquakes and tsunami alerts in Indonesia... We had couple ones back in home and 1st time in life I was not laughing of the fact of being moved on the ground, feeling it, saying - La Ilahe Illallahu Muhamdur Rasulallah.. or like asking Amma to stop panicking about it. I never panic of death .. I never get shocked of hearing someone died. I don't know why maybe because i believe even death has a purpose. But yesterday when I heard i went panicking myself... I called back home.. Parents .. sisters .. him . to know that they are safe and sound. Went worried about the babies. things I never did back in BD. But staying apart from things sometimes makes us realize the real value of it. Friends .. Family .. laughter in your own colours .. life. May all be safe everywhere in every home in every situation - in worse, in pain, in death even. sigh! I am a maniac at times. Obnoxiously something struck me these days... I have never cared that the pain of loosing I bear inside gifted to me from others - even I at time ignore it - and try it on others as-well. I complain of giving so much and still not being attended - where as I myself avoided the fact that even I do that to people. I think I am growing up mentally .. I am trying to learn things from the both sides lately. Putting myself into others shoes, when I see people being as lonely and shut-off due to unreasonable attempts of love-seeking- I discover even I cause the reason behind to others. It was always about me- what I am loosing - what I am not getting - what I am being left off from ... I always say it doesn't matter - but deep down inside - I am afraid at times even. Because I know how vague the dialogue is - it does matter - as far as we have hearts everything matters regarding to laughter or tears. I often tend to be this crazy - damn care - rude biatch to others - but when I see people doing that to me - I break into pieces - and I even I do that as-well. But I never try to see that what I go through .. I am also making others go through it.

Life is uncertain - If I ignore one today - I might be ignored as in the one tomorrow. there's no ultimate equation to life - life can be anything at anytime. When I came here 2 months back.. I had this numbness killing inside ... I was like trapped and coudnt let go of what needed to be let go off .. I still am stuck with myself .. but I am trying and yes I had the push all it required to take that extra step and start afresh ... with the newer good things. To forget one shock its not necessary anymore to go for another one...at-least thats whats been my excuse to my mistakes all these years. However, now when I look back I see how stupid i was to think in one-way... I was running from it in the name of moving on.. I never faced it rather I closed the chapter and opened another one - but the book remained the same ... the theme remained the same. A guitar changed my such dumb point-of-view... I always talked of learning how to play a guitar.. but I never tried to go somewhere or to look for the learning stuff for that. I just talked about it. If I could really do what I felt like doing- could really stick to my heart and act according to my mind I would know how to play a guitar and play for myself. I wouldn't had to feel sad of looking at it and not being able to use it. There's so many things in life - good-fun-better ones I think of doing ... but i always pretend to be not-caring-at all so I never take that extra step and to actually earn that exact thing. Unless or until one tries ... none gets anything in this world. and even if without trying you get it - you eventually take it granted.

Now I guess I am learning to understand my imperfection more closing within me and accepting my flaws in true terms. if someone doesn't love me back that is because I am not the right person for that person - normally I would have said .. doesn't matter .. he isn't worth it whereas i should have tried to be the one and show that I was worth it and than it shouldn't;t had mattered. I knew every right path - but i din't follow the instructions to ride it properly - so i ended up moving all around it. Now I know I have to learn playing a guitar as I always wanted it and Inshallah I will do it. I know I have to know how to drive because that is essential - for my own betterment - I know I have to be really nice to people and not behave in a way which had or would cause me pain if I was not treated nice. Forcing isn't my type ... but I always imposed the fact when I din't got what I expected ... but in Life its not meant to be getting all expectations fulfilled. Its more of making executions of those expectations and be better .. be worthy of it. ah... its better to be late rather to never reach there and yes its more of a rebirth of me as all that I knew is more delicate and reasonable and mostly the true-ugly face of reality. Whenever in life - you see someone giving so much even if you can't pay them back - let them know what they have done for you. if you can't accept it ... be able to appreciate it. reject but also respect it. don't have it but don't waste it either. because it takes a lot of guts and soul to be able to give all that you have or even a smaller part of it. Cheers!

... Sleepless In KL ...

aauf...a sleepless night...have a big day to pass. Um... and I miss my room. Its been raining for almost 2hours now. spent the entire night talking to different people and I enjoyed it. Life isn't that bad you know ... more on that believing to survival efforts and breathing on own terms is worth living such hell of a life. Though I am feeling very sleepy...but I cant.. I feel like not going to the class today .. maybe I will skip it. I just wanna spend the day talking and talking. someone told me in FB - Happiness is good health and a bad (short) memory..the most unhappy mind is one that happens to think the most...that takes life too seriously, at its basest... and he told me - "perhaps u let urself be moved by anything that happens around, cry over anything that doesn’t go by ur line of thinking or expectation…but I think that one becomes happy only when one starts to expect less from life, from people who matter and who who do not…" ... he is just a FB friend... and i replied with - I am ok this way amr happy thakte valo lage naa u kno i get bored when everything happens my way i get bored of laughing and smiling i get bored of having a perfect life i like problems I am more content such way.. attention seeker.. drama queen.. getting sympathy of others and he came up with that's the truest confession he heard or whatever - ahahaha.. but its true.. maybe lately my incompleteness and self-lacking criteria has made me act like such... what to do ?? leave me or live without me.. its takes alot to stick to someone like me who is unstable & unpredictable in life. when where why my heart falls and breaks I don't keep track of it.. sometimes I wonder from why has Allah gifted me with such charm of loving so easily and demanding such hugely and giving such less.. once one of my x's told me that I love torturing myself and others and I enjoy that. and I think I do. now that makes me a bad person. now what to do? leave me or live with me.. I am already created and established that way... very confusing?? I guess its the dizziness. well - Inshallah may the day be good.. and all be safe.. I think I will write another one today ... as I am too tired to concentrate on actually what i intended to write ... :( cheers!

... another day another fight ...

aww.. yes ... I am still breathing :D today while sleeping for a while I felt I am back in my home and could my mother shouting... well she has a loud voice and back home i used wake up hearing her most days. but no... someone in the dorm corridor was shouting.. sigh i miss u amma ... one of the prettiest ladies i have ever seen :P

Well... here is a sunny day in KL today but the sky is making huge music - meaning the thunder sounds, seems its going to rain soon ... did I ever said that UMA nature made me fell in love with nature actually? Yes... after Cox's ... Its UMA - the place i love the most in the world. I am not much of a traveller or a nature lover - but I adore watching the beauties of trees and bushes and empty roads and highland-marks here... Staring at the empty environment full of greenery makes me go green LOL..

aah... its our Bengali New Year next week and we the Bengali students are hosting a event on the night of 13th :D :D and I am going to sing with my tune-less dramatic horrible voice in it... being a foreigner is a blessing at times .. no-matter how bad i perform I will wont be cursed ! more I will get sympathy and as most wont understand what we will be singing so less critics ! ahahaha... OK... I have got a class to catch in 2 hours.. I just finished up my one-entire week vacation and I am feeling like I don't want to go. I sleep alot less than I used to in BD... maybe max 4-6hours normally and sometimes by miracle 8hours max. at-least once a week. I believe when I will go back to BD in my vacation i will first sleep a whole week 12-16 hours and then do other works... oh no... its raining ... gosh ! I hate carrying the umbrella!!! huh! So, as I am unwillingly on my way to spend the rest of the days with my class or whatever - I wish all a very good day and May Allah bless us with safety ... p.s - life isn't always that we want it to be...its upto us whether we can be the way life requires us to be .. Cheers!

Officialy Once agaiN I am singLe...

but 1st time in life not ready to mingLe... lol .. after-all whatever happens ... happens for good.. lately i felt its better to stay alone ... than to be with someone and still feel lonely ... and it made me terrible to force someone to keep loving me...and my ultimate realization is LoVe isnt about being together all the time ...it also means being apart and still praying for the betterment of the person we love... tada ! Soi Is Acting Like a Grown-UP .. congratulations Soi ! Ok... I am back after so many months... let me give some info on myself ... weLL ... I am currently in Kuala-Lumpur .. doing my masters in Development Studies ... exact 2 months away from Bangladesh .. I am content .. had rough pitches lately .. and Yes Hell Yea I am moving On...

By now You know .. I am a contradictory person with my emotional-vague-obsessed self-deduction ! I am 25+ and I sometimes still manage to act like sweet 16...lol I am crazy and my own Favorited-selfish BraT! I miss my country-friends-family more than ever .. and life here in KL isnt worse ... I mean yea its bad at times .. But I am learning to stick to it as time is passing by.

Life here is nothing like Bangladesh ... sometimes i feel as if i am some kinda alien here ... sometimes others are to me. But life is always moving on .. on and on ... Now when I did i fell in love again?? just a month ... as I am a universal lover ... and i Love being in Love .. it just happened.. let me tell you - when you love someone - never expect that they will love you the same way you do.. its all about being patient .. attraction .. trust .. compromises and understanding ...

 as just in a month he has made me forgotten about my mistakes..scars..past memories which used to haunt me down to hell .. and as far as his concern ... doesn't matter what i feel... strange huh?? Einsteinian statement refers to if you don't believe in mysteries or magic's that means you aint alive ... I have always gone to Love .. but this time love came to me.. and it faded itself from the other person .. and forcing someone to be in love with you - aah no - that's something Soi is never comfortable with .. but I did that !!!because Love sets you free .. when in need .. it shows you how compassionately you can love someone and at the same time you cant have him .. so I guess Once more as always - Allah Is Doing What is right for ME... what else??? I have decided to be regularly writing from now on ... though i cant write but i will honestly give it another try... why ??? because I want to .. duh ! lol.. Its never too late to accept own lacking... minding own limitations and still be happy about what we are ... cheers!